Wednesday, June 16, 2010

smile and nod

I think we are always in a constant state of learning... there is always a lesson. I have been learning. I am always learning. These past few months the lesson have been life ones... I have been learning a lot about myself. What I am capable of. The power of decisions. Willpower. Courage. Feeling. Fear. Being me.

The inspiration of my post today? Ask me a question... and I'll give you and answer.
How was your day? 'Good'
How was school? 'Fine'
How was your weekend? 'Good'
Whats going on? 'Nothing'

All good questions.
All crappy answers.
They are pretty much lies a lot of the time. But they are the answers that people expect. That's all that most want to hear. That's all people really have time for. Lets face it, do we all have time to listen to everyone's story? Probably not. Would we all be better if perhaps we did this more often? Yep. I think so.

When the question is rephrased. My answers are different. When the question is sincere. My answers are different. When I know someone wants to listen. My answers are different. They are real. I will tell the truth. And when I don't have the words (and this happens a lot). I will stumble through it. And the listener will usually understand. I am not one to often offer up information, the stuff that really matters anyway, easily. I think before I speak (usually), and I guard what I say. If you want to know something. Really know. You probably need to ask. That is just the way it is. I don't know if this is something that will change easily about me. But I'm learning.

Its a calculated risk. To let people know me.

Just smile and nod.

Monday, May 10, 2010

new beginnings.

This new beginning starts with a new job. I accepted a permanent contract last week. It feels GOOD. There is finally, for the first time in 5 years, or quite possibly ever in my life there is some sort of job security. I do not have to look for work next spring if I don't want to. This information is still sort of sinking in. And I waiver between happiness, excitement, fear, and uncertainty. Its weird that I feel fear and uncertainty right now but I do. I worry about what next year will bring, and I hope beyond hope that I like where I'm going, and that I want to stay there... or that the right opportunity for me opens up later should it not be the best place for me... I just hope. In my world of worries and 'what-ifs' (I really need to stop with the what-ifs). I'm tense just trying to process this. I think its somewhat problematic that I always tend to blog when I'm in some sort of overly-reflective mood. Stopping now.

To new beginnings. Letting my joy scream past my fear....

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


New beginnings?
So I had some good conversations with colleagues today. Well. I don't know if good is the perfect word... but they were... um... I don't have the right word, so we'll stick with good.

We were discussing my future.

This happens A LOT.

Every spring for the last 5 years this has happened. It never gets easier. In fact I'm pretty sure it gets harder. The uncertainty is hard for me. Not knowing is hard. The 'what ifs' are hard. I know there are far worse afflictions to have in this world, but this one is big in my world. Quite big in fact.

There were interesting things said... and other people summed it up best: When this sort of thing happens it makes you feel: pushed around, worthless, less than you are, unsure of yourself, un/undervalued..... etc. (yep. that sums it up pretty good). ALSO.

In another conversation. A REALLY good point:
Referring to being shuffled around, etc.:
There comes a point where it is all about conformity. The real and true Heather is lost, because of pressure to be someone that she isn't (yes, I was in the room when she was saying this... like this... I like the way she talks... haha), being in places where it is not truly her, or about her, or the 'best' place for her. Walls go up. Heather is backed against a wall, and at some point she gives up. And is lost. We do not want this to happen. Who is the real Heather? Its hard to know, because she doesn't stay in one place long enough to build those quality relationships, and doesn't want to build them because she is leaving, it is more difficult to see the strengths... because of the constant adjustment....

These people said many true and important things.

I can't believe I am struggling with this again.

So frustrated, angry, upset, lost, and feeling alone in the battle even though people are very supportive and sympathetic to the situation.

This could all be over very very soon, and I hope hope hope that it is. But that is how I feel today. I am super thankful for the people that are fighting for me. And there are people on my side. And they are working hard and are stressed out for me... so for them... I am truly grateful. May their efforts not be in vain.

May this come to a swift and favorable conclusion.

Long ranting and definitely not uplifting post. But I needed to write it down... I'm not even going to read it, I don't think it even makes sense. I don't care right now.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

this life.

To blog or not to blog. This is the question.

On Haiti. Everyone is blogging about Haiti. Everyone is giving to Haiti. Everyone is thinking about this often forgotten about country. I had the opportunity to visit Haiti a number of years ago. We were there for just two weeks. It was long enough to know that Haiti was and is a country in distress. It was in distress before an earthquake. It was the poorest, dirtiest, most culture-shocking place that I have visited. It was oppressive. It was eye-opening. It changed my perspective on the world. It changed how I felt about this life. There was a lot going on when I was there. It was the last place I wanted to be. A friend back home had died in a car accident just before we entered the country. I wanted to be at home. Haiti was not a place for grief. Haiti changed my life. I can't imagine this country in the chaos that it is in. My prayer is that all the help and money that is being raised around the world, will be channeled with wisdom, and that Haiti will truly receive the help that it needs... and perhaps has always needed.

Events like this make me think about my own life. It is pretty insignificant in light of natural disasters. I live a very safe life. In a bubble that I yearn to break out of but struggle with how I can, what the best way for me to do that is. I believe I am where I am supposed to be. Yet I struggle with where I am. It is a complete and total contradiction of belief and feeling.

I am very very lucky.
I am very very blessed.
Sometimes I need a serious wake up call to realize these two facts.
And stop worrying about the stuff that I 'don't have' that I want in this life.

Faith for today.
Hope for tomorrow.


Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Time for a LIST! It has been a while....

1. Today December 22, 3 days till Christmas
2. I'm feeling less 'Christmased Out' than usual after the craziness of school
3. Work is ok. I don't really want to talk about work. So it only gets #3. Its fine.
4. Little monkey niece turned 3... she is amazing.
5. I have baked three different types of Christmas cookies so far and am not sure if anyone will eat them.
6. I spent most of today watching fairly boring daytime television.
7. Despite some boredom the 'holidays' so far have been good, this has been the first dull day.
8. I think these 2 weeks are going to go really really fast...
9. I just went for a walk in the snow with the frosty trees at night. It was beautiful
10. I get overly nostalgic around the holidays.
11. I wonder often what my life would be like IF....
12. The future still scares me. I'd like it to be a good fear.
13. In general I like my life.
14. Despite this I struggle with happiness.
15. There are many things that I want that I fear I will not get and I need to learn to be ok with this.
16. I have plans for change in the 'New Year' not resolutions... but decisions, they have already been made and have been started.
17. I am indecisive to a fault. I annoy myself with this trait.
18. It causes me to miss out on fun things.
19. Relationships change. They just do.
20. I try to stay in the moment, I often get stuck in the past, or get caught up thinking about the future. Inner struggle for sure.
21. My faith is important to me.
22. Church is a painful struggle for me. I don't see this getting easier quickly or painlessly.
23. Despite this I believe in Jesus... and yearn for just a glimpse of His glory.
24. It is truly by GRACE, and that is the heaviest word I know. It wells up my heart.
25. I don't know what I want for Christmas.... and that annoys people that want to buy me something... haha...
26. My apartment feels really small.
27. Always looking for a house.
28. Getting closer all the time... (at least in my head)
29. I am truly thankful for the people and things that I have in this life
30. I hope i never take these things for granted. Though I fear I probably do.
31. Already to 31... woohoo
32. I wish GRACE and PEACE for all this season.
33. He had a different kind of birth.
34. He had a different kind of kingdom.
35. He wore a different kind of crown.
36. He was a different kind of King.
37. May He reign in our hearts.
38. Merry Christmas.

The lost post annoyance....

I could have sworn I wrote a long an eloquent post at some point this fall... in fact I know I did, I guess I didn't publish it cause its not here and I'm annoyed by this... it was about church and my journey with it. I wanted to read it again. It held a lot of truth. But I guess its gone. I don't know. And I don't want to write it again. Not right now anyway.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Christmas Already?

Wow I can't believe the last time I posted was summer... thats craziness....
This fall has gone by really quickly. It has been busy. It has had its ups and downs. It has been a difficult transition to the new job. Yes it is going ok. I feel very torn on building relationships though. It was so difficult to leave my last job, because I invested in people and built relationships with people, and I loved my job... then I was ripped from it... and it hurt. So on some level I feel like if I don't build really strong friendships here that would be ok because I have to leave and that might make leaving easier??? Bizarre world inside my head. It is already going to be hard to leave, and I try not to dwell on that fact, though I wonder where I'm going to end up next year. I hope I get to go somewhere to stay... and that I like it... oi.... this thinking about the what-ifs of the future is getting old.

Otherwise. Life. Hmm. No I haven't found a church. Yes. My relationships with friends have changed. Yes. Relationships within my family have changed. It all just seems so out of my control. There is nothing I can do about any of it and it is hard to stay positive sometimes.

Trying to choose joy.

New post soon.... like really soon.....

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Summer 2009

Is almost over :(
Nothing big or too exciting but it has been a good time overall I guess. I like the relaxing, doing different things and whatever I want. I love that I get summers off. It is one of the greatest things. I've stayed close to home this summer, just a couple little camping outings and the city... though I'd love to travel further... maybe next summer... ugh... thats a long way off. I like to think that 'if I only could... then...' but thats a dumb way to think. I'll still be me no matter where I am. Though a little change of scenery would be nice from time to time.

Work starts again soon, I suppose in some ways it has, I think about it alot and I've been to my classroom starting to get organized... I'm still not 'pumped' for the new year, but I'm hopeful. Or trying to be. So that has to count. I miss my old school and people already, and its going to be strange not to see all my old students on the first day. I think I may actually miss them too.... crazy to think.

Anyway, random non-interesting post.... guess I'm not feelin too insightful today... maybe another day soon. I'll try not to wait 2 months...


The truth is. No.

I feel as if I've never been so lost.

So no. The answer is no.