spring

New beginnings?
So I had some good conversations with colleagues today. Well. I don't know if good is the perfect word... but they were... um... I don't have the right word, so we'll stick with good.

We were discussing my future.

This happens A LOT.

Every spring for the last 5 years this has happened. It never gets easier. In fact I'm pretty sure it gets harder. The uncertainty is hard for me. Not knowing is hard. The 'what ifs' are hard. I know there are far worse afflictions to have in this world, but this one is big in my world. Quite big in fact.

There were interesting things said... and other people summed it up best: When this sort of thing happens it makes you feel: pushed around, worthless, less than you are, unsure of yourself, un/undervalued..... etc. (yep. that sums it up pretty good). ALSO.

In another conversation. A REALLY good point:
Referring to being shuffled around, etc.:
There comes a point where it is all about conformity. The real and true Heather is lost, because of pressure to be someone that she isn't (yes, I was in the room when she was saying this... like this... I like the way she talks... haha), being in places where it is not truly her, or about her, or the 'best' place for her. Walls go up. Heather is backed against a wall, and at some point she gives up. And is lost. We do not want this to happen. Who is the real Heather? Its hard to know, because she doesn't stay in one place long enough to build those quality relationships, and doesn't want to build them because she is leaving, it is more difficult to see the strengths... because of the constant adjustment....

These people said many true and important things.

I can't believe I am struggling with this again.

So frustrated, angry, upset, lost, and feeling alone in the battle even though people are very supportive and sympathetic to the situation.

This could all be over very very soon, and I hope hope hope that it is. But that is how I feel today. I am super thankful for the people that are fighting for me. And there are people on my side. And they are working hard and are stressed out for me... so for them... I am truly grateful. May their efforts not be in vain.

May this come to a swift and favorable conclusion.

Long ranting and definitely not uplifting post. But I needed to write it down... I'm not even going to read it, I don't think it even makes sense. I don't care right now.