Here I Am

smile and nod

2010-06-16T19:58:00.003-05:00

I think we are always in a constant state of learning... there is always a lesson. I have been learning. I am always learning. These past few months the lesson have been life ones... I have been learning a lot about myself. What I am capable of. The power of decisions. Willpower. Courage. Feeling. Fear. Being me.

The inspiration of my post today? Ask me a question... and I'll give you and answer.
How was your day? 'Good'
How was school? 'Fine'
How was your weekend? 'Good'
Whats going on? 'Nothing'

All good questions.
All crappy answers.
They are pretty much lies a lot of the time. But they are the answers that people expect. That's all that most want to hear. That's all people really have time for. Lets face it, do we all have time to listen to everyone's story? Probably not. Would we all be better if perhaps we did this more often? Yep. I think so.

When the question is rephrased. My answers are different. When the question is sincere. My answers are different. When I know someone wants to listen. My answers are different. They are real. I will tell the truth. And when I don't have the words (and this happens a lot). I will stumble through it. And the listener will usually understand. I am not one to often offer up information, the stuff that really matters anyway, easily. I think before I speak (usually), and I guard what I say. If you want to know something. Really know. You probably need to ask. That is just the way it is. I don't know if this is something that will change easily about me. But I'm learning.

Its a calculated risk. To let people know me.

Just smile and nod.

new beginnings.

2010-05-10T20:04:00.002-05:00

This new beginning starts with a new job. I accepted a permanent contract last week. It feels GOOD. There is finally, for the first time in 5 years, or quite possibly ever in my life there is some sort of job security. I do not have to look for work next spring if I don't want to. This information is still sort of sinking in. And I waiver between happiness, excitement, fear, and uncertainty. Its weird that I feel fear and uncertainty right now but I do. I worry about what next year will bring, and I hope beyond hope that I like where I'm going, and that I want to stay there... or that the right opportunity for me opens up later should it not be the best place for me... I just hope. In my world of worries and 'what-ifs' (I really need to stop with the what-ifs). I'm tense just trying to process this. I think its somewhat problematic that I always tend to blog when I'm in some sort of overly-reflective mood. Stopping now.

To new beginnings. Letting my joy scream past my fear....
Cheers.

spring

2010-04-21T20:31:00.002-05:00

New beginnings?
So I had some good conversations with colleagues today. Well. I don't know if good is the perfect word... but they were... um... I don't have the right word, so we'll stick with good.

We were discussing my future.

This happens A LOT.

Every spring for the last 5 years this has happened. It never gets easier. In fact I'm pretty sure it gets harder. The uncertainty is hard for me. Not knowing is hard. The 'what ifs' are hard. I know there are far worse afflictions to have in this world, but this one is big in my world. Quite big in fact.

There were interesting things said... and other people summed it up best: When this sort of thing happens it makes you feel: pushed around, worthless, less than you are, unsure of yourself, un/undervalued..... etc. (yep. that sums it up pretty good). ALSO.

In another conversation. A REALLY good point:
Referring to being shuffled around, etc.:
There comes a point where it is all about conformity. The real and true Heather is lost, because of pressure to be someone that she isn't (yes, I was in the room when she was saying this... like this... I like the way she talks... haha), being in places where it is not truly her, or about her, or the 'best' place for her. Walls go up. Heather is backed against a wall, and at some point she gives up. And is lost. We do not want this to happen. Who is the real Heather? Its hard to know, because she doesn't stay in one place long enough to build those quality relationships, and doesn't want to build them because she is leaving, it is more difficult to see the strengths... because of the constant adjustment....

These people said many true and important things.

I can't believe I am struggling with this again.

So frustrated, angry, upset, lost, and feeling alone in the battle even though people are very supportive and sympathetic to the situation.

This could all be over very very soon, and I hope hope hope that it is. But that is how I feel today. I am super thankful for the people that are fighting for me. And there are people on my side. And they are working hard and are stressed out for me... so for them... I am truly grateful. May their efforts not be in vain.

May this come to a swift and favorable conclusion.

Long ranting and definitely not uplifting post. But I needed to write it down... I'm not even going to read it, I don't think it even makes sense. I don't care right now.

this life.

2010-01-23T16:01:00.002-06:00

To blog or not to blog. This is the question.

On Haiti. Everyone is blogging about Haiti. Everyone is giving to Haiti. Everyone is thinking about this often forgotten about country. I had the opportunity to visit Haiti a number of years ago. We were there for just two weeks. It was long enough to know that Haiti was and is a country in distress. It was in distress before an earthquake. It was the poorest, dirtiest, most culture-shocking place that I have visited. It was oppressive. It was eye-opening. It changed my perspective on the world. It changed how I felt about this life. There was a lot going on when I was there. It was the last place I wanted to be. A friend back home had died in a car accident just before we entered the country. I wanted to be at home. Haiti was not a place for grief. Haiti changed my life. I can't imagine this country in the chaos that it is in. My prayer is that all the help and money that is being raised around the world, will be channeled with wisdom, and that Haiti will truly receive the help that it needs... and perhaps has always needed.

Events like this make me think about my own life. It is pretty insignificant in light of natural disasters. I live a very safe life. In a bubble that I yearn to break out of but struggle with how I can, what the best way for me to do that is. I believe I am where I am supposed to be. Yet I struggle with where I am. It is a complete and total contradiction of belief and feeling.

I am very very lucky.
I am very very blessed.
Sometimes I need a serious wake up call to realize these two facts.
And stop worrying about the stuff that I 'don't have' that I want in this life.

Faith for today.
Hope for tomorrow.

H.

Time for a LIST! It has been a while....

2009-12-22T21:28:00.002-06:00

1. Today December 22, 3 days till Christmas
2. I'm feeling less 'Christmased Out' than usual after the craziness of school
3. Work is ok. I don't really want to talk about work. So it only gets #3. Its fine.
4. Little monkey niece turned 3... she is amazing.
5. I have baked three different types of Christmas cookies so far and am not sure if anyone will eat them.
6. I spent most of today watching fairly boring daytime television.
7. Despite some boredom the 'holidays' so far have been good, this has been the first dull day.
8. I think these 2 weeks are going to go really really fast...
9. I just went for a walk in the snow with the frosty trees at night. It was beautiful
10. I get overly nostalgic around the holidays.
11. I wonder often what my life would be like IF....
12. The future still scares me. I'd like it to be a good fear.
13. In general I like my life.
14. Despite this I struggle with happiness.
15. There are many things that I want that I fear I will not get and I need to learn to be ok with this.
16. I have plans for change in the 'New Year' not resolutions... but decisions, they have already been made and have been started.
17. I am indecisive to a fault. I annoy myself with this trait.
18. It causes me to miss out on fun things.
19. Relationships change. They just do.
20. I try to stay in the moment, I often get stuck in the past, or get caught up thinking about the future. Inner struggle for sure.
21. My faith is important to me.
22. Church is a painful struggle for me. I don't see this getting easier quickly or painlessly.
23. Despite this I believe in Jesus... and yearn for just a glimpse of His glory.
24. It is truly by GRACE, and that is the heaviest word I know. It wells up my heart.
25. I don't know what I want for Christmas.... and that annoys people that want to buy me something... haha...
26. My apartment feels really small.
27. Always looking for a house.
28. Getting closer all the time... (at least in my head)
29. I am truly thankful for the people and things that I have in this life
30. I hope i never take these things for granted. Though I fear I probably do.
31. Already to 31... woohoo
32. I wish GRACE and PEACE for all this season.
33. He had a different kind of birth.
34. He had a different kind of kingdom.
35. He wore a different kind of crown.
36. He was a different kind of King.
37. May He reign in our hearts.
38. Merry Christmas.

The lost post annoyance....

2009-12-22T21:26:00.002-06:00

I could have sworn I wrote a long an eloquent post at some point this fall... in fact I know I did, I guess I didn't publish it cause its not here and I'm annoyed by this... it was about church and my journey with it. I wanted to read it again. It held a lot of truth. But I guess its gone. I don't know. And I don't want to write it again. Not right now anyway.

Christmas Already?

2009-12-21T23:53:00.002-06:00

Wow I can't believe the last time I posted was summer... thats craziness....
This fall has gone by really quickly. It has been busy. It has had its ups and downs. It has been a difficult transition to the new job. Yes it is going ok. I feel very torn on building relationships though. It was so difficult to leave my last job, because I invested in people and built relationships with people, and I loved my job... then I was ripped from it... and it hurt. So on some level I feel like if I don't build really strong friendships here that would be ok because I have to leave and that might make leaving easier??? Bizarre world inside my head. It is already going to be hard to leave, and I try not to dwell on that fact, though I wonder where I'm going to end up next year. I hope I get to go somewhere to stay... and that I like it... oi.... this thinking about the what-ifs of the future is getting old.

Otherwise. Life. Hmm. No I haven't found a church. Yes. My relationships with friends have changed. Yes. Relationships within my family have changed. It all just seems so out of my control. There is nothing I can do about any of it and it is hard to stay positive sometimes.

Trying to choose joy.

New post soon.... like really soon.....

Summer 2009

2009-08-20T00:24:00.002-05:00

Is almost over :(
Nothing big or too exciting but it has been a good time overall I guess. I like the relaxing, doing different things and whatever I want. I love that I get summers off. It is one of the greatest things. I've stayed close to home this summer, just a couple little camping outings and the city... though I'd love to travel further... maybe next summer... ugh... thats a long way off. I like to think that 'if I only could... then...' but thats a dumb way to think. I'll still be me no matter where I am. Though a little change of scenery would be nice from time to time.

Work starts again soon, I suppose in some ways it has, I think about it alot and I've been to my classroom starting to get organized... I'm still not 'pumped' for the new year, but I'm hopeful. Or trying to be. So that has to count. I miss my old school and people already, and its going to be strange not to see all my old students on the first day. I think I may actually miss them too.... crazy to think.

Anyway, random non-interesting post.... guess I'm not feelin too insightful today... maybe another day soon. I'll try not to wait 2 months...

Truth.

2009-08-20T00:21:00.001-05:00

The truth is. No.

I feel as if I've never been so lost.

So no. The answer is no.

H.

change

2009-06-29T19:30:00.002-05:00

So I would have to say that I am not a fan of change. I mean, maybe its more of a love/hate relationship. I like new challeges, fun experiences, new things... but at the same time change is difficult and its hard to see past the here and now. I am in the process of change. Its just a job change, but its enough. I'm emotional about it, more than I should be probably, in many ways its just a job. But in many other ways what I do is so much more than a job. There is time and effort invested in lives and relationships and to have to leave that and start over, over and over again is frustrating, and in many ways exhausting. Its hard to keep investing in new people and places instead of building on current ones... the thought of starting over again right now makes me tired. I need a fresh perspective. I need to embrace this change. I need to look forward. I need to not dwell on what has happened but move on. Its not easy. There is no closure.

Change can be difficult, I'm trying to think of it as exciting and new.

Cheers to starting over.... again. (at least in the job sense...)
Cheers to summer.... hurray for holidays!

H.

get lost.

2009-05-17T23:00:00.003-05:00

Sometimes you have to get lost to find yourself.... ok so I heard it on a commercial tonight... I think it was an ad to go to Australia and get lost or something. But none the less it got me thinking.... I just wrote it all out and deleted it.... cause thats how I feel right now.

good friday

2009-04-10T20:24:00.002-05:00

It is a good Friday... and it means so much more than a day off of work. I will count my blessings.
1. A God that loves me, despite wavering faith.
2. Forgiveness.
3. A family that is supportive.
4. Friends near and far, those that I see regularly, those that I communicate with often, those that come and go, those that have come and gone, they have all helped shape me into the person that I am.
5. A comfortable home.
6. A semi-stable for now job that I enjoy.
7. Helpful co-workers.
8. The ability to be a blessing to others.
9. Living in a safe and quiet community.
10. A beautiful niece... who deserves the world.
11. Students who are truly fun.
12. The ability to live comfortably and pay the rent without worry.
13. People who inspire me.
14. People who care, even those who are strangers.
15. Conviction to become a better person.
16. Hope for the future.
17. Thankfulness for the present.
18. A past that has shaped me.
19. My past travels and experiences.
20. Amazing, amazing, amazing, Grace.

circles

2009-03-31T20:25:00.002-05:00

I want to be myself.
I don't know who that is.
I've always been a fairly reflective person, I can look back and analyze what has happened in my life, see what I learned from it, how it made me better or worse, and evaluate how it maybe could have been done differently. I've been stuck for some time. It is time to move forward. But how?
I'm stressed about the job hunt season... I pray for all to go well... I know what I want, and I'd like to know how it is all going to turn out.

days go by....

2009-03-21T21:28:00.002-05:00

It has been a while between posts again... nothing out of the ordinary I guess. Here's what's goin on...
1. I am looking forward to Spring Break, if for no other reason than it will be Spring Break. I'm ready for a bit of a break, I'm feeling complacent in my work and it is time for refreshing...
2. I am very excited about 2 upcoming weddings...ok they are both not until May, but I am super happy for the couples and it should be a fun couple of weekends.
3. My job changes after Spring Break and I'm excited for that as well. It basically just changes in that I will be working a bit less, with the same group of kidlets. Some days I'm done 'teaching' at 1:30 and most days I'm done at 3:00... what will I do with all my free time??? lol....
4. With spring perhaps maybe on the way I'm excited to have a bit more free time, especially once the weather is nice.
5. I'm still hoping for a full time permanent position for next year and really really hoping that that will happen for me this time around.... please?? It would just be nice to not have to worry about it anymore...
6. I want to buy a bicycle for when it gets nice out...
7. I'm enjoying getting out and walking when the weather is nice, its more barable (I don't think I can spell that word) than forcing myself to go to the gym.
8. Today was boring... and is still boring...
9. Time seems to be going slowly right now... I'm not really sure why...
10. Time for a change of pace...

for the love of lists

2009-02-10T19:28:00.002-06:00

Ya... stolen from the facebook phenomenon.... whatev... now its also a blog entry.

Once you've been tagged, you're supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits or goals about yourself. At the end, choose people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you it's because I want to know more about you.

OK OK... this one is really making the rounds! I'm not taggin anyone.... so there crazy tags....

1. Winter sucks. I don't like the snow. I don't like the cold. I don't like winter. I live in the wrong province... or perhaps country.

2. I worry too much. About absurd things.

3. I like my job. Even on a bad day I can step back and say that I like what I do... despite complaining, being annoyed, and the challenges it entails.

4. I have been to South Africa, London, Haiti, Dominican Republic, Mexico, Jamaica, and a number of American States... this is not enough places in my opinion!... I have lots of places that I would like to visit, on the shortlist are Mexico (again), more of Europe, Greece in particular, AFRICA over and over again, Australia and New Zealand, Central and South America.... pretty much everywhere... yup... I'd like to go on some trips! (though I haven't travelled in a long time... and mostly just think about it... I'm all talk)

5. I went to school in Denver for a while.... it was amazing. Loved it.

6. I have 2 degrees. BGS. BEd.... this makes me smart enough to teach apparently.

7. I love being sarcastic. And I love it when people GET sarcasm.

8. I have some "favorite places in the world" (so far) listed in my head. Top 2 are THE VALLEY, and a particular farm in SA. I hope to add some more to my list.... eventually.

9. I like to cook, I love cookbooks. I'm a rachelray fan.

10. My favorite color is orange... with red coming in at a close second... though I would rarely if ever wear either of these colors.

11. Shoes are awesome. I love shopping for them in particular and will pretty much buy any pair I like within reason.... but they have to be comfy.

12. I can be shy in some situations... but I don't like being shy.

13. People see me as a quiet person...even though I don't really think that I am all that quiet most of the time.

14. I like to think before I talk. When I say something it usually matters. (see #13) I think more people should practice thinking before speaking sometimes. (pet peeve I guess)

15. I've had pretty much the same hairstyle for the last 15 years or more.... I think thats kinda sad....

16. I have diverse groups of friends... they come from different worlds and views... it would be weird to have them all together in the same place... maybe... maybe thats just what I think... perhaps they would get along great!

17. I live by myself. And I like it that way. Most of the time.

18. I am the most indecisive person that I know. I suck at making decisions big or small... except maybe shoes...

19. I'm a fan of TV... in particular Greys, Survivor, and usually House. Thursday nights are made for TV.

20. I don't particularly like calling people on the phone, but I like when people call me. I'm a little weird that way.

21. I'm not sure I'd enjoy living in a city... I kinda like the small town. I can't imagine having to get up every morning and drive in traffic or take a bus.

22. I like driving around for no apparent reason.

23. I have an elephant collection that started when I was a kid. I think I have pretty much enough. Don't buy me elephants unless you buy me a bigger house first... haha. But there are some really nice ones....

24. I wish I knew the future. I wish I could fast-forward and see whats going to happen.... or maybe I could change it if I don't like it.

25. 25 is a long list! Runnin out of stuff to talk about....

one unfinished journey

2009-01-14T19:41:00.002-06:00

So its now about mid-January... too late to talk about 'the new year' and I don't really like the idea of resolutions anyway. I've made a decision or two... but nothing serious or worth blogging about. Its freakin cold outside... I don't like winter, I'm going to stop saying stuff like that. I choose to live here. I need to just suck it up and deal with it. I'm thinking this post is going to be a bit of a reflection on my journey with the instition that is called Church. My experiences and frustrations. I'll try to make it a list. So here it goes.
1. My very first experiences with church were as a kid. It was mostly about the Sunday School, it was a small country church and was kinda unique. I liked that I would go to a friend's or my friend would come over after church and we would cook lunch and totally destroy our mother's kitchens. Oh and the Christmas concert gong show was always exciting (I didn't know it was a gong show then.... but looking back.... yes.... gong show hahahah....) good memories for the most part.
2. That church closed, we went to a church in town for a while, then stopped going to church as a family altogether. I never learned how to become a christian or live as a christian at either of these churches. Interesting.
3. Other experiences sparked my interest in God. But no ride to church till I could drive and didn't know where to go. Was invited to a youth group... at a church that would become my 'home church' for a number of years. I remember being freaked out at first in this church... but it became natural. It was exciting and real and I loved it. I was in church 3 times a week, Sundays Wednesdays and Fridays plus special services, it was like a home. I was comfortable there, there was always something going on and I could get involved and have fun. I loved the pastors and youth pastors, I loved my friends there. Looking back. It was so good.
4. This changed when I went away for the second time. While I was out of the country 'serving God' being totally devoted to Him and His work and learning and growing and passionate a friend was killed in a car accident. This somehow changed everything. I came back to changed people. Changed friends. Changed me. and my time at this church slowly fell away. Because I let it I suppose. I moved away for university and my visits became fewer and further between, my summers were at camp... where there was no room for Sundays or Wednesdays as much as I tried to be involved when I was home, it just never worked. So that was that.
5. There was very little church involvement while away at school. Tried a couple. Stuck with one fairly faithfully and even got involved a bit one year. It was good. Met some good people.
6. Another change everything moment somehow occured one summer.... I don't know what it was exactly. But I was done with everything. After that summer I tried to go back to my 'university church' I could hardly sit in a pew. I wanted to run screaming from the building. It was so hard to sit through a service. It was painful. Its hard to describe. I couldn't breathe there. I felt attacked. I wasn't sure what to do with this... so I did very little. I knew it wasn't right. I knew healing needed to happen. I didn't have the energy to work through it. I fought it. and fought it. and fought it. For years.
7. Then I found a safe haven. A place for healing. and I had to force myself there some days. But I went. It was real. It was hard. God met me there. I was learning again. Growing again. Accepting this free 'healing'
8. Somehow this fell away as well. But not in a bad way. That time there was a season. I wouldn't mind if that season returned, but if it dosn't thats ok too. I'm ok with it either way. I'm just so thankful it was there. And I was open to that season.
9. So what now? Searching. Within myself so far more than out in the world. For the type of place I need to be. I should probably just go somewhere in between the wrong place and the right place so at least I am somewhere on the path.... we'll see. Starting somewhere new is weird for me. I don't like being the 'new' person... so I need a big place where I could maybe just blend in for now. It'll happen. I think perhaps I put too much thought into this entire process. Yes. I most definitly do. But whatever. When it comes to stuff like this thats how it seems to be with me.
10. This post is more detailed and in depth that usual. I bigger glimpse at me I suppose. I'm at ten, thank goodness.

Happy Cold January!!! haha....

tis the season....

2008-12-21T22:38:00.002-06:00

A pre-Christmas pre-New Year rant in the life of H. Ah, what the heck... lets make it a list!!!
1. On holidays for the next 2 weeks!! Yeah!! I like my job but it is busy and loud and stressful. I often wonder what it would be like to go to work and spend my day doing paperwork in front of a computer screen.... it would be sooooooo different from what I experience everyday right now, where my world revolves around the moods, actions, and learnings, of very unpredictable tweens.... it is a crazy world they live in thats for sure. They never cease to amaze me.
2. Christmas is in a few days, I feel Christmased out from all the 'fun' at work, so its good that I have a few days to get back in the 'spirit'.
3. Living in town is good. Still a little weird. Very quiet and I feel more 'out of the loop' than ever. But it is more convenient and nice to be home in 10 minutes as opposed to 30.
4. I like my space and different sense of independence that I have re-gained in this move.
5. I don't like doing dishes and I think that dishwashers should be standard equipment in every home.... I'm thinking my next house will need one!!!
6. Family happenings are awkward and I don't know what to think.... I don't understand it.
7. I feel change is imminent, though I don't know how or when...
8. I spend too much time by myself now that I live by myself... its weird. Is it possible to have too much 'me time?'
9. I'm running out of things to say so I'm glad I'm on number 9!!
10. The future looms in front of me, with continual uncertainties. I have many hopes for my uncertain future, and wish I could peek ahead to see if any will happen, though I suppose that might spoil the journey.

Thats all for now, I'm sure a 'New Year's' post will come along shortly.

Wishing everyone Peace and Joy this Christmas Season. May your hearts be full.

quick update

2008-12-02T20:48:00.002-06:00

After my little rant on the last post I thought I would update that I recently got in touch with a 'long lost' friend. SO FUN. I've tried to find her on a few occasions but alas the internet was no help and the fact that she got married and changed her name may not have helped. BUT. She was doing the same thing and actually found me about a year ago somewhere with my name on a school newsletter or something (weird) and recently on FACEBOOK. As annoying as it may be I'm fairly addicted and wouldn't be in touch with so many friends from all over the place without it....
Yup. I like facebook. It has been super exciting to catch up with this person... and though she lives somewhere in Alaska... we are once again 'in touch' 10 or so years later. LOVE IT.
Kay thats it for now.
I'm ready for Christmas holidays.... like now.
Laterz.

i miss....

2008-10-29T17:35:00.002-05:00

I've been thinkin lately, and perhaps dwelling a bit too much on things past... but I miss my friends. Sounds weird. Not the friends I see all the time obviously. I miss the friendships that were made in the past and have fallen away, childhood friends, and probably even stronger YWAM and Camp friends (just to categorize)... these were such incredible times and so much fun...there has never been another time in my life where I have had friends to lean on, learn from, and just have fun with. I think perhaps there is just not enough fun in my life right now. Working and doing 'normal' things is not all its cracked up to be all the time. I think the YWAM saying 'ruined for the ordinary' is very very true. Since then... I have not been the same, have not seen the world the same way, and not viewed my life in the same way, yet I try to conform to what is 'normal'... all the while longing for something more. Things change. I get it. It is normal for friendships to evolve and change... but its a little sad too... too bad I can't go back in time and visit...
What is it to be content?
I'm not sure.
Are we meant to be??
I dunno.
Thats what I miss....

things unsaid

2008-10-15T19:18:00.003-05:00

Here I am again. Yes, long time between posts.... and this is gonna be short and sweet. Since July.......
1. Back at work, as if we never left. Its stressful... and not always fun... but sometimes fun.
2. September is over... THANK GOODNESS... not that things slow down at all its just nice when September is over.
3. I've watched a friend in pain, experiencing great loss. There is nothing quite like this.
4. I've seen family in pain and experiencing another type of loss... and I hurt for them and the situation.
5. My neice can say 'Aunty Heather' (sort of) She continues to be a joy and blessing to our family.... Love her to bits... there is nothing better.
6. I have purchased a new bed!! and it has been moved to my apartment, the first piece of furniture there!
7. Thats right folks, it is finally happening.... moving to town. A little crazy and I will miss this place when I am gone even though I know that this is the right path for me right now, I will miss this place and I'm a little sad to leave, though I'm not going far my lifestyle will change a bit, and I'll miss being close to family and seeing them all the time.
8. My new place is little. Especially the bedroom and will take a little planning to get everything in there that I would like to have in there in a nice way... good to have a challenge.
9. Change can be difficult... and mine is nothing compared to what some are going through around me... so I should shut up and be happy and enjoy the ride.
10. Its about time I made another list that went all the way to 10.

Thats the update for now. I'm both happy and sad. Content and discouraged. There is a barrage of feelings... I'm trusting that all will be ok.

Sanctus Real - Whatever You're Doing
Album: We Need Each Other

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

Chaos but somehow there's peace... or I hope there will be.

get real

2008-07-20T16:51:00.005-05:00

I am struck and compelled today to write. I cannot even express the amount of joy, almost exhileration... at finally putting some sort of a picture on what this God Journey is for me... and it all happened in a 5 minute conversation. I'm definitely not talking about a huge awakening moment where I am changed forever. It is more of relief. A huge weight off my shoulders... or at least the weight has become more balanced, it seems easier right now in THIS moment. I thought I was alone in my thinking, in how I felt, in how I am still feeling (I use the word feeling alot... its not that I base everything on feelings, feelings change, I just find its the best suited word right now). In this conversation we discussed grace, openness, and freedom. And I finally saw, or put words to the 'feeling'.... in a place where you would expect great freedom, that freedom is stifled, snuffed out, and covered up by sunshine and roses, false fronts. Nobody talks about what its really like. Nobody struggles. Everybody does good, does the 'right thing' and just keeps going. In a place that should be community and openess, and support for each other, there is only surface talk, surface relationship, most (not all) of it seems pretend.

Apparently there are places that exist, where there is shared passion, shared yearning, there is openess in stuggle, and there is grace. I don't know where to find this place... but I hope that one day I will. I doubt its existence here in this part of the world.

I hate fakeness.

Why can't people just be real with each other? What are we so afraid of??? (coming from someone who fears everything).... seriously. What? Isn't that what this journey is about? Why do we have to do it alone? I KNOW I KNOW.... we're all a body of believers....BLAH....its crap if its all fake. I desire truth. I'm not seeking an easy journey though that would be nice, just honesty.... without judgement.

I'm relieved, I'm not alone, I'm not the only one who sees this, it only took a virtual stranger and 4 years of searching for a way to sort of organize my thoughts and that gives me great joy for the moment. I am also angry and frustrated, because I don't see a way out. If this is how it is... is it worth it?

It's a ramble. There are more posts to come, a little more focussed perhaps, but a journal just wasn't enought right now. I needed to read my thoughts here. My thinking may be full of mistakes, or weird angles, and somewhat mixed up.... but who isn't? All believers are on a journey.... and its not all sunshine and roses.... I just don't know why people glaze over whats really going on.

Random thought I don't want to forget:
It's not about climbing your way out of the hole you are in, clawing, and clamouring to get out, expending all energy, it dosn't have to be a long hard journey back, step outside of it and walk forward.

Lets get real.

fearless

2008-07-11T23:21:00.002-05:00

This is what I aim to be. Fear sucks. I mean seriously, makes me angry. It holds me back from things that I want to do. I don't mean shaking in my boots, running and hiding fear... I mean erring too far on the side of caution, fear of what others are thinking, fear that holds me back from life.

I wonder how many people are truly happy with their lives. I know I am no where near where I thought that I might be, my life has made twists and turns along the way to bring me to where I am now. Its not necessarily a bad thing, but dwelling on the matter dosn't bring me great joy thats for sure. I think this is part of where the fear comes from. I fear the unknown, and the twists and turns, if I don't know where they are leading (and obviously nobody does) I am hesitant to move forward, and that sucks. and I hate it. and it makes me stuck. and I need to get unstuck, and thats what I need to work on.

I never used to be like this, and its strange to think of the person that I am now, and perhaps my own perspective is different from that of outsiders, but mine is the only perspective I have so I have to go with it. I didn't fear the unknown to the extent that I do now. I used to get up and go for things, and didn't overthink every little thing like I do now. Whatever. I'm strange. I get it. Whatever.

This is a weird post. .... once again I wonder why I blog.... I don't speak it out loud... so I may as well write it down for the world (or at least a few people - including myself) to see.

the first day

2008-06-07T22:59:00.002-05:00

Today was the first day of my '30th year on the planet' (or maybe second if you count my actual birthday yesterday) I have officially started my last year in my 20's. It is completely hard to believe. I don't even want to reflect at the moment on what the past years have brought me to. Perhaps I'll save that reflection for the big 3-0, scary. People tend to ask (well my grandma anyway) 'do you feel older??'... and I think actually this time I do, mostly because there is so much more I want from this life and I don't know how to make it all happen but I need to somehow trust that it will... somehow... I wish I knew. So a new number has not changed my fuzzy outlook on life... maybe with a few more days.... older and wiser... (one can hope).

I will learn from my past, allow wounds to heal, let the scars remind me of where I have come, but not dwell on what is behind me. I will look to the future with expectation and hope.

Here's to a good year in the story of H.

when moving forward feels like moving back

2008-05-21T21:31:00.002-05:00

Once again... months have past. I suck at blogging. In the past couple of months I have:
1) Made it through winter
2) The snow has melted
3) Spring break came and went uneventfully
4) I accepted a term position teaching grade 6 for *most* of next year
5) May long came and went uneventfully
6) Tried to make summer plans but have not gotten anywhere
7) Have been frustrated with the direction things seem to be going
8) Been confused about the future.... but content not to linger on the unknown for too long
9) Continued to consider what I really do want and where I truly want to be
10) Continued my compulsion for completing a list all the way to 10

On the job front... I am employed until next April. This is both good and bad. There are a lot of frustrations in this... in the whole job-getting process and all the politics involved in it. I'm tired of it. But I'm stuck in it. I better come up with a good plan for next spring so I have something to look forward too instead of just the continued look for a permanent position.

On the summer front... I'm really glad that it is almost here!!! I don't know what I'll be doing yet but I do plan to take a large chunk of the time off and hopefully get a few small trips in or camping or something.... we'll see.

All for now.

I will sincerely try to write before 3 months comes and goes.... why do I blog??? Weird.

a post on posting

2008-02-16T20:29:00.002-06:00

So I try to post about once a month, if nothing else than just to say that I have a very uninteresting blog space for people to pass by quickly. Those who know me may pause a bit longer just to see if I have anything interesting or new to say. I tend to repeat myself a lot as my struggles remain the same and I continue to be stuck in the same rut as always and have done nothing to get out of this rut, and yes I know it is most likely (ok it is) my fault. So what.
On that note. No. Nothing has changed. It is very much winter outside and I`m getting tired of it being winter. I would like the snow to melt and to be able to get out more. Warmer weather and better roads help with that. I also prefer when the kids can go out for recess. This helps my life seem less crazy at work. And some days a little bit quieter :)... a teacher can dream.
I know that spring will come, it always does, but I wouldn`t mind if it started a little early this year. It was actually warm today, it got up to the freezing mark, but tomorrow will be a different story. Winter is not over yet. Unfortunately.
Well, you know for sure that I have nothing to talk about if I can spend an entire paragraph on the weather. I think I need to stop now. I hope somewhere out there someone is having a little extra fun for me tonight.

new year

2008-01-12T21:49:00.000-06:00

So, it is another new year, though I very much don't feel that January is the best time to start a new year. For me, the new year begins in September, that is when school starts, thats when there are changes a brewing. Though I suppose change can happen at any time. Still. January is not my start to a new year. The calendar sort of wins on this one however and I guess it is 2008. Whether I like it or not. The holidays were good. Nothing really out of the ordinary or exciting but good. I stayed home, we did all the normal family things and that was that. I should have taken a warm vacation for the second week.... that would have been a good idea... maybe next year. Now it is back to work again. This week was a bit of a shock to the system, it is so busy at work, and with 2 weeks off I had a chance to forget about the stress... I was very quickly reminded however. There are constant challenges in my profession and I'm sure that it does or will get easier with more experience... there is no way to jump through some special hoop that will make me experienced... I just have to pay my dues and keep working at it. There always seems like there is so much to do and so little time. I often wonder what it would be like to have a more 'normal' 9 to 5 job where you can just show up, work, and go home, and not carry planning, marking, and to do lists in your brain all the time. Maybe these jobs don't really exist, but in my mind they definitly do, and some days a job like that would be nice. In the end I still enjoy my work and my chosen profession and can't wait till it gets easier... and somewhat more manageable time wise. 50 hour weeks are long. I know there are people out there who work far more... but for me... 50 hour weeks are long. In general there is not much more in my life besides work, and most days I don't feel like there is time for much more, but then there are days that I long for more. I suppose there is a need to find a balance between the two. I know I could handle more. I know that I would benefit from more.

Yes. I'm still living at home. I will buy a house this spring or summer. I think this is my final and best decision. I have a down payment ready... so now I just bide my time... and hope for the job... without the permanent job I will probably rent. I just have to make it through the winter driving over the next few months... yikes... I hate the driving from the sticks... but I've done it before and I can do it again, I just won't enjoy it too much.

I once again feel like I am churchless. This is a complicated issue in my life that I am tired of dealing with.... I need to suck it up.

So here's to a new year. I'm believing for a good one. My best one.

Looking Forward.
H.

snow and holidays holidays and snow

2007-12-22T20:02:00.000-06:00

1. I don't particularly like snow. Its ok to look at but beyond that... not entirely enthused.
2. Very happy to have 2 weeks off of work.
3. Looking forward to seeing family over the holidays, some that I haven't seen in quite some time so it should be a good time.
4. I want to see and spend some time with friends over this holiday.... and am open to suggestions.
5. I need to move. I've been saying that for 2 years... perhaps I should make that happen sooner rather than later.
6. I feel almost christmassed out with all the excitement that 25 10 year olds bring to the classroom everyday.... yikes to be 10.
7. I think I've resolved not to make any resolutions but reserve the right to change my mind.
8. I am appalled by the YWAM Denver shooting and am reminded that life is fragile and unpredictable even in what I may consider a very safe place.
9. I don't like snow.
10. Is winter over yet??

I don't know where this list came from but I felt compelled to write in list form today... and once I started I had to make it all the way to 10.

Life is going ok for me. Work continues to be very busy and I am dreading the job hunt that is only a couple short months away, I try not to think about it but its hard not to. I'm really hoping that things work out smoothly this year. As my list stated I'm happy for the break from work. I am tired. And need a little time to re-energize for the months ahead. It has been a busy and stressful fall and I hope to settle into some sort of routine after the holidays and hope and pray that my class cooperates with this plan.

I'm not super excited for Christmas cause my students have sucked the life out of it for me right now, but I'm sure with the arrival of family things will pick up. It should be fun and I'm hoping that it is. The food will be good. That much I know.

Anyway I'm rambling right now... so I'll stop and try to post again before the new year, perhaps with some more stimulating topics or deep thoughts....... whatever.... lol.

Happy holidays everybody. Peace and Joy.

for now

2007-11-02T21:50:00.000-05:00

So. Time flies when you're busy I guess. It has been one month since I started my new job. The past few weeks have gone by quickly. Much has happened, much has changed in my work and my classroom. It has been a fairly good transition and I'm OK with how things are progressing. I can't believe I have to write reports next week, but other than that, things are good. My picture of my ideal classroom is definitly coming into clearer focus as time goes on... I'm already trying to picture what I would do differently next time while I work on what I want to change now. Ah well.

Other than work, my life does not have much else in it right now. Work is taking up a lot of my time these days. One thing on the horizon I hope is moving into town. It is time to leave and I know that. I will miss being here I think, close to my family and being able to see and talk to them almost daily, not that I'm moving around the world, really it is only 20 minutes away... but it will be different. I feel that I really need to be an 'adult' or something and perhaps support myself for a bit? Learn what that is really like? With my own money? All of these foreign concepts that should be old hat for me by now. Somehow I didn't picture myself when I was younger living at home at 28.... funny how things change like that. I think I need to get out in order to really see what I want for my life, to be myself in my own space, to know if this is the place in the world that I truly want to stay. I'm not really sure at this point, so I think I need to find out. So I suppose that is my next step, my next 'big change' or whatever. I look forward to it with some apprehension about change, and some annoyance with the idea of moving to a very 'non-permanent' residence, as renting is an appalling practice that I hope to not do for very long.

Anyway. I suppose that is me. For now.

blur

2007-09-28T21:34:00.000-05:00

So. The last few days have been a little crazy. It has definitly been busier than usual, and somewhat more stressful. On Monday (5 days ago) I was interviewed for a job. Later that day I was offered the position. About 2 seconds after that I accepted the position. Crazy. I'm very happy about this as it is about as close to my 'ideal' job as it can possibly be (except that its not a permanent position....). So Monday I got the job. Tuesday I spent being anxious and wondering what it was going to be like. Wednesday I moved stuff into my classroom. Thursday I set up my room. Today I subbed at the school and spent time in my room trying to think of all the things I am forgetting.... and my students moved their things into the room. On Monday it begins. Me and my new class. There are still some things I am uncertain about, but it will all come together I'm sure. I'm happy to be at this school with some of my former colleagues from a past position. I feel very welcome. Today I had 411 students cheer when they said my name.... how many new jobs start like that??? lol. Some of the students know me too so that helps. So begins the change. This is what I do. So I'm happy to have a class to teach for the year. What change will be next??

ummmm.....

2007-09-03T22:32:00.000-05:00

I hate making decisions. I suck at it. I over-think things and try to rationalize to try to make the best decisions possible... and it drives me crazy. I should just decide and get on with it. The thing is that I know that I will have to live with my decision, whatever it may lead to. Arg. I hate making decisions.

So, I'm on the sub list in Winkler, I'm not officially back on the list in Morden, I just dread it so I'm procrastinating... I hope I'm not subbing very long... I'm also signed up to take some French at RRC this fall, hopefully that works out to my advantage in the long run.

Ah well. Thats it for now.

disappointment and distraction

2007-08-21T22:43:00.000-05:00

The end of the summer is once again coming. Or the end of August I guess and that to me is sort of the end of summer. It has gone quickly. It has been ok. Not great, but ok. I find myself once again still unemployed, this is a source of great disappointment for me. I don't understand what it has to be this way. I don't know where I am supposed to be and I feel as if I am not where I am meant to be in this world at this time. It is very frustrating and I don't know how to change it but to keep going and to try and make the best of a yucky situation.

I have been greatly encouraged and lifted by distraction as of late. I find my home consuming and drowning. It is very difficult for me to be here so I welcome the opportunity to leave for periods of time. I am frustrated by the fact that I can't seem to handle more than a few days of intense activities of other kinds however. My inner 'demons' seem to be winning some days and it is incredibly scary for me to face this reality. I thought this was a thing of the past, apparently it is not, though it is not the same as the past, it is real, it is frustrating, infuriating, and consuming. I have only in the past couple of days truly realized the magnitude of what I am experiencing. But perhaps by accepting it I can begin to overcome. I was free once before, I need desperately to be free again, I don't know how I can do this everyday. I need healing in my life, thank goodness I believe in a God that has already overcome, that has already healed... Facing this God is not easy. I get angry so quickly, I don't truly understand but I do my best to push through it because I know this 'anger' I feel when it is only me and God is not from Him. If anyone actually reads this (and I'm ok with the fact that no one really does... cause its good just to write it)... but if you do... pray. Cause I'm tired of fighting this on my own.

So I continue to look for distraction. My previous distraction was a bit of a healing experience, it was very very good, God is good, I wish that is could have continued but perhaps it is not about the physical 'place'. Tomorrow I leave for a few more days of distraction in a different place, where many people know me, and I in many ways am not looking forward to that part of it, the expectations, and views of who I am. I don't know what will come of it, no expectations helps because I am less disappointed in the end.

So I continue in search of direction for my life. I hope it is not a series of distractions. I need to move on, away from disappointment, and to something bigger than distraction.

Searching for Peace. Please let it come.

travel

2007-08-07T22:24:00.000-05:00

It had been over 7 years since I really went somewhere... so I'm glad that I made the decision to go to Alaska this summer. I spent about 8 or 9 nine days on Kodiak Island Alaska, it was a good time of exploring, relaxing, fishing, taking lots of pictures, and hanging out. Kodiak is a beautiful island, and my friend Abby was a great tour guide. It was a great opportunity to get out. The highlight was probably going out fishing for a day, I caught a Halibut that was over 100lbs. It was very fun, and a good, once in a lifetime type of opportunity. I enjoyed the ocean and the mountains thoroughly. We stayed pretty busy during my time there, hiking around, shopping, visiting different beaches, and meeting and spending time with Abby's family, and of course eating more fish and seafood than I normally would in a year. Alaska was good times.
Now I'm back in Manitoba... wondering what I'm going to do next again. Still unemployed, still trying to figure it out, and playing the waiting game in many ways. So I continue to wait... for now anyways... but with anticipation for change in my life, if it dosn't come I will create that change for myself...
Peace.

what to do

2007-07-10T19:31:00.000-05:00

This is my neice Rylee, she is pretty stinking cute. She will be 8 months old at the end of July and is already crawling all over the place. Little monkey. She's fun to watch, added entertainment to the family for sure.

So summer is rolling along. I am finding myself bored already. I'm not really sure what to do with my time at this point. I'm not sure if I'm going to get to go away anywhere. It's pretty expensive for someone without a job to just take off, it seems reckless to spend money like that. We'll see. I need to decide soon though because my opportunity will soon be gone.

So I have nothing really interesting to report... just thought I'd blog to end some boredness... we'll see what happens tomorrow!

almost

2007-06-23T21:24:00.000-05:00

I can't believe its been 2 months since I last wrote on this blog. I am one of those bloggers where it dosn't really matter if anyone reads it I guess, and I'm fairly certain there are no regular readers anyway.

So the school year is almost over, I thought this time may never get here. I definitly have some mixed emotions about this experience. It has been hard. Definitly the hardest job I have ever had in my life so far. I have been stretched, drained, frustrated, and in between there have been bits that have been ok. I've never had a job where I went home defeated, and exhausted, almost every day. A job where I have cried before work, during work, and after work because many times it was just too much, I felt alone, and I didn't know what to do to to make it work better. This is definitly the most I have ever questioned my decision to teach. I have also learned a lot. Grown a lot as a person and as a professional. In the big picture I know that this has been a good experience for me and has shaped me in some way. Hopefully I will take something good from this experience. And so it is mixed feelings that I have in leaving the school I am at. Even though my future is very uncertain at this point (I may be unemployed very soon) I have a definite peace about my decision not to apply for the second part of this term, and somehow I know that things will work as they should. 5 more days.

Otherwise things are ok. I'm happy that it is summer, I like having no real plans and I hope to fill my days with some fun and relaxing activities see what happens or what I am driven to for the fall. I know for sure that I need to move soon though. I really really need my own space. It'll depend on the job for fall a bit and if I maybe decide to go away for a while next winter or something which is an idea rolling around in my head.

I'll try not to wait 2 months to post, and with summer here I will have more time. The end is in sight. Peace all.

stretched

2007-04-21T23:34:00.000-05:00

God is not going to give me more than I can handle. This is the message that hit home for me tonite at VFC. The message was good, a life story, a journey. It definitely helped me to reflect on my own jouney, and realize (again) that I am not alone. I am not the only one who struggles with this journey, this life. Yes I am in a struggle with God, yes I am in a struggle with my own faith and where I stand, yes I am in a struggle seeking the next step, the missing piece to the puzzle, the step towards where ever it is that I am headed.

My job right now makes me a little crazy. I am stressed. I leave defeated some days (though thankfully not all days). There are challenges and new situations to be faced every single day. It is exhausting. I care about what I am doing and the people that I am affecting and I think that makes it even more stressful. I want the best. I am learning about myself. I am changing. I'm not sure if its a good change or a negative one, and its possible that it is a little of both. It is very difficult to try to meet everyone's needs when there are so very many. This job has 'pushed' me closer to God, because I CAN NOT do this on my own. There is no way. Without God as the one who takes my cares and my troubles, who hears my pleas... I would be lost.

I don't know what is next. The feeling is not comfortable. All I know is that there is MORE. I don't know how to get it, or where I will find it, I don't know the path that I will take to get there. In the testimony shared tonite it was 2 years of prayer and the same answer before anything came to fruition, until things came together. I suppose there is something to be said for persistence. I'm not sure I'm in a place where I can pray that prayer where my life is surrendered, all of me surrendered. I'm not sure it would be honest. Its a scary prayer. Even with the assurance that God will not give me more than I can handle... I may be stretched, but I won't snap.

I need to hold on to that for the next 2 months... to get me through... fur survival purposes. To not just exist but to do what I need to do with conviction and strength.

Stretched. And near (in my opinion anyway) my limit.

2007-03-30T23:16:00.000-05:00

This is what a week off... too much time... and avoiding doing work at all costs gets ya....

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind.You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

What's" Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:
You have low extroversion. You are quiet and reserved in most social situations.A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you.You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people.
Conscientiousness:
You have high conscientiousness.Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.Most things in your life are organized and planned well.But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.
Agreeableness:
You have medium agreeableness.You're generally a friendly and trusting person.But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.
Neuroticism:
You have medium neuroticism.You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.
Openness to experience:
Your openness to new experiences is medium.You are generally broad minded when it come to new things.But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it.You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

The'>http://www.blogthings.com/thefivefactorpersonalitytest/">The Five Factor Personality Test

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone.Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people.Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run.No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way.
You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle.Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings.A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning.You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer.
Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofsoulareyouquiz/">What Kind of Soul Are You?

not getting out of the car

2007-03-10T22:49:00.000-06:00

Decisions, decisions, decisions, that was the title of the sermon tonight.... and I figured... oh great... my favorite topic. I'm not the greatest decision maker out there, I'm pretty lost in this area and completely not good at it at all... little did I know that this particular sermon would stir up so much inside of me, in some sort of re-realization that YES God is with me, and YES I can go forward from here.

So back to it. The gist of the evening? God DESIRES the best for you/me. Does that mean that I will always get the best??? Absolutely not. But that is God's desire. The thing is that it is very much up to us. God dosn't drive the car. I do. Jesus is there in the passenger seat, just waiting to be asked for help or directions or whatever. HE is not going anywhere. I may make a wrong turn, I may go in circles... that dosn't change the fact that God is still there. And that He still desires the best for me, He knows the path I should take, not that I have to backtrack through all of my mistakes and screwups and bad decisions, not at all, I can get on a new route... the best route... the route to a totally devoted relationship with Him from wherever I am. There was a whole visual to go with this.... and I know this is probably hard to follow but I really wanted to write it down tonite.

My path has not always been straight. My path has been fairly messed up the past few years. I have questioned my faith, and in some ways I think I still do. I don't question that there is a God, or that Jesus is real, or even that I am a Christian, but I definitly question what that really means to me and how it is going to shape my life. I was part of a ministry for some time off and on, for about 10 years or so. The last time I worked there was different in many ways, don't get me wrong I look back with some good memories and I definitely have some great friends as a result. But something that sticks out so strongly for me is how profoundly my walk with God, my faith, what I held on to, was changed so drastically, and dramatically so as to bring me to this day almost 3 years later still 'recovering' still figuring it out. It was a milestone that I can't seem to get past, a bridge that I'm stuck on, (insert more sayings here), whatever. It makes me angry in many ways. Angry that I don't know what to do, angry that it is taking so long. I feel so stuck. Its still a ministry that I'd like to be a part of in some way, but why??? Sometimes I think I need to go back, that it will help if I'm there, that direction might come, but I know so definitely that it has absolutely nothing to do with the physical space of that place. Its just a place. Unmoving. Insignificant without people. Its about me. A stuck me. A me that dosn't know what to do next.

God DESIRES the best for me. I need to seek WISDOM from HIM in the decisions that I make. Look to HIM as the director of my steps. Is there faith in me to listen and obey???

I've been thinking a lot about the future. What I want to do. Where I want to go. Options for where I want my life to go from here. There are many. But I hold back. There have been 2 different opportunities that have made themselves known to me, both still using my teaching, but I don't have direction, and I don't know how to find it. Do I really want to live on the other side of the world?? Can I do the 'living by faith' as far as finances go?? Seeking His wisdom sounds great, but I feel I may be searching in vain (I know its a promise.... ask for wisdom and it WILL be granted....) again. Faith. I look back to when I was in YWAM, I am so different now, I'm disappointed that I am not that person anymore.

I know I push God away. It hurts me that I do. But I do. I am so unworthy of Him.

So I continue to spin my wheels at a crossroads. Funny how when I hit the ditch earlier this week I thought nothing of calling my earthly father to come and get me out and pointed back in the right direction. How is it then that I feel I can't ask my heavenly Father for direction and help as well?

I'm not sure I make sense to myself, so I don't expect to make sense to anyone who may be reading this, but my brain was just full tonight and I needed to unload some of it. Even if it was perhaps a bit too honest to share.

So I'm in the car... pointed in some direction... is it the right one????? Or do I need to make a turn???? I suppose that's the question. I guess I just need to continue to remember that God is not getting out of the car. Maybe I should ask.

one day at a time

2007-02-24T17:57:00.000-06:00

Well... I suppose much has happened since the last time I posted here. I have a job now. Which is bittersweet in many ways. I am teaching a 3/4 class. It has been an interesting experience so far to say the least. Besides the 45 minute commute which is SUPERFUN I also have a very challenging group of 8 and 9 year olds to contend with. I have never met a group dynamic like this one. Much of my day is tied up in discipline issues. They are draining on the mind and spirit. There are days that I walk out feeling defeated and wondering what the next day will bring. Each day is different. The students are unpredictable. And in many cases violent. As I said. An INTERESTING group of 8 and 9 year olds. We are trying everything in the book. And we will keep trying. These problems have exsisted since they started in school though, so I'm not sure how much change can really be expected. The problems are so much bigger than me. So much bigger than my experience. So much bigger than my expertise. And many of the issues stem from the homes.... which is beyond anything that I can even begin to tackle. This job will be a learning experience to be sure, and hopefully something positive will come of it. I hoped and prayed for a job for so long, and now I have a real challenge before me, we'll see where this leads I guess. Taking things one day at a time. And hoping for the best.

There is not much in my life besides work right now. I often think of the future and what will happen next. I still feel like I need to go somewhere and do something. But go where? To do what?? I hope that the path will somehow become clear. I often feel that I need more in my life... but I'm not sure what. I've got to be one of the most indecisive people on earth.

I know I need to get out of this house. I am starting to feel crazy here, and it is not where I want to be. My parents are great but I can't live here much longer. Especially when they are home all the time. Time to get some of that independence back. How this next job hunt goes will probably determine a lot. I REALLY HOPE for good things.

The job hunt for next fall will begin soon. I hope it goes more smoothly than the last almost 12 month job hunt.

I still get to church when I can, which has been every other week or so (mostly because of weather issues). I am still challenged by my faith and what it really means to me. And where I fit in this plan. Big questions I guess. I guess what is important is that I know the God I serve. I know He wants to bless me, I know that there are many promises written for me. And I know that it is not about rules and religion, what I do, or what I've done. What matters is today, and where I go from here. The journey continues.

new

2007-01-07T00:21:00.000-06:00

Well, well, well...it is January (if you hadn't noticed). I'm fairly psyched that the weather has been non-January like lately though. The less freezing winter days the better in my opinion... spring is coming!!! (ok so its a long way off... but whatever). What have I been up to... well I guess the Christmas season is over, the last 2 weeks have been good, some family stuff and a lot of hanging out, it'll be good to work a bit again next week... and to continue the job hunt I guess. Nothing really exciting in my life lately... just continue being bored. Camp was fun yesterday... but I'm definitly feeling old around there, which I am fine with... I'm ok with being an adult and living my own life (or trying too... some days).

What I hope for this year is change I think. Change in me. Change with me. Maybe a change of location (even if it is slight), a change of occupation (A JOB!!!! PLEASE!!! NO MORE SUBBING!!!). Just change. Good Change. Positive Change. I don't know how it will all play out yet, but I'm hoping. My life seems to be very much in a 'wait and see' stall pattern that is frustrating beyond frustrating. My next wait and see moment is on January 16th... so I will continue to 'wait and see'... I will survive this right???

I went to church tonight. It was awesome. I think I have a church home. It is so good. I picked up the sermon on cd from last week... what a blessing. I knew that I was at this church for a reason, and this sermon confirmed things in my life, and my whole attitude toward church just fits. So neat, I'm definitly listening to it again. When I first started going I was in such a low place, drowning and gasping for air. I didn't know where to turn, but I knew I would be accepted, and I knew there wouldn't be too much pressure at Tim and Pam's church, I knew I didn't want 'Church' but I knew that I NEEDED GOD... this place is one that I can go to without fear, I can still be angry, and frustrated, and sad, and confused, and its ok... God is in that place... and I can go as I am, and He will meet me there. It is not all comfortable or easy, I still get angy during sermons, or whatever, but I stay. I want to be one of the teachable, just open to what God wants. I think I can even say that with some honesty... which goes to show how far I have come. I can't wait for the day that I can burn the journal that I have been screaming into since summer, I never want to read those pages again... but I'm not there yet... one day I will burn it... one day when I am good again.

The sermon tonight was on what to believe and why. What is truth. Good stuff... I don't like doing things just because its 'right' (such as going to church)... so this sermon was very real, down to earth stuff... quality teaching... I should get this cd too... cause I don't remember all the good stuff...

Anyway. Rambling.

Looking forward... and trying not to look back.

Happy New Year

ups and downs

2006-12-15T20:04:00.000-06:00

Kay I'm back. I'm on such a roller coaster... it feels a little out of control and I don't know where it is going. So:

The UPS:

I became an auntie to a beautiful new neice on November 27th... life is good... baby is good... new family is good. I'm definitly a little envious, but it's so good to have a baby in the family close by, it has been a long time.
I got to spend time with a lot of people that I hadn't seen in a long time during a wedding, the road trip before and after, and at the B-house 'little' christmas get together. It was good times and I appreciated seeing everyone and being encouraged by them and their friendship.
I got to spend a weekend at camp as a GUEST which was good, and refreshing, it was fun to be 'away' for a little bit and try to forget about life. The speaker was also really good and challenged me. Good times.

The DOWNS:

I have had two interviews in the last two weeks and have not been offered a job yet. ARG. I am disappointed and sad. I don't know where this is heading.
I don't know what to do for the rest of winter, do I keep subbing?? Work somewhere else full time? Work somewhere part time? Go away somewhere and try to figure things out?? I'm confused, and overwhelmed, and I want change - but change to what?????
My life is not where I want it to be and I don't know how to get it there.

I guess my ups and downs sort of even each other out. But I'm getting a little seasick on this ride. The holidays are coming. Here's to looking at the bright side.

Cheers.

so many things

2006-11-25T23:03:00.000-06:00

There is so much running through my head... my head is full... I'm not sure I can handle any more thoughts right now... so much processing. I just came from church, I love Saturday evening service, there are less people, I'm so much more alert in the evening, I feel less like the new kid on the block because there are fewer people, and I just like the set-up. Today the message was about 'Where do I go from here?', the end of a series dealing with relationships. The series has been odd for me because as I have mentioned there are a lack of relationships in my life in general (not married, no kids, no work relationships right now etc.) The service was about healing. In relationships especially. Again. I didn't think I had any that really needed mending, not that my life is perfect, but overall in the relationships with other people department things are ok. The message wasn't totally that though. It delved a bit into healing in general. Basically the 'revelation' that God put on me.... He cares.... Its already done... and I need to accept it.... let go of the guilt, the anger, the frustration, the sadness.... and let God in. Jesus did it all on the cross. I need to know that not only in my head, but in my heart. I'm not sure how this will happen, but somehow I know that it will. I wish it was instant. This time it is not going to be though I don't think.... Perseverance. I feel like I need to re-define or re-figure out how to live for God, how to let Him in... and how to let Him work in and through me. There are some serious walls up, I'm not sure how they will come down. But I need to keep trying. That I know. And there is a drive within me to do that and I hope it lasts, and I hope i don't give up, or get too frustrated. I'm on a strange path. I don't know where it is going, I don't see the light at the end, and I hope beyond hope that I don't end up lost in here (whatever place this is) again, cause finding my way out is taking all of me.

I'm holding on to the past, to guilt, to hurts, frustrations, anger, all this yucky stuff... knowing that the past dosn't matter. My future starts today. My slate is wiped clean with God... because that is the kind of God He is, the past dosn't matter. Jesus died for all of it. Why can't I let Him in???? Why am I holding on??? I don't know. But I'll figure it out. Jesus cares for us.

Totally unrelated note: Looking for a position SUCKS. I just got the paper today... and they re-posted positions... that means waiting 2 more weeks until even the possibility of an interview... I DON'T UNDERSTAND.... but my portfolio is with the right person right now, so I need to keep my hopes up for now I guess, this SUCKS. We'll see what happens. I'm so very tired of this, almost ready to give up, but I know that I can't. ARG. Did I mention that this SUCKS????????? Kay I'm done now. Please hope with me that I get a job???!!!! I need all the hope I can get right now. Peace.

movin along

2006-11-19T21:40:00.000-06:00

SO. The weekend has gone fairly well. I have come to not like weekends because I don't have enough to do and I get extra bored then but this one wasn't bad. Friday I did nothing (which was very boring), Saturday I printed a whole bunch of pictures cause I want to make an album of them... which I haven't done yet but I will.... and then I went to church for Sat. Evening service. I have been blessed by going to church. I still have a hard time with church. But overall it has been good. This Saturday was harder than it has been in a while, I'm not sure why, but I often feel so suffocated in church, like I can't breath, I get angry and want to scream or hide or some random thing. I'm not sure why this occurs, part of healing I suppose. It kinda sucks, but I'm going to keep trying. The messages for the past number of weeks have been about the 'Healthy Home' and 'Relationships'... it has been a little off for me as I don't have a lot of relationships in my life, I have no husband or children, I have no steady job, I only just began going to church so beyond my friends and family there is not much to go on there. I try not to focus on what does not apply to me though and try to be open to why God wants me there, because I think He does. That is why I go. God is there. Working through the people there. That is why I go. Not because I want church. But because I want God. I'm not having an easy time of it. But I will keep trying. (how many times can I start a sentence with the word BUT before it gets annoying??). ANYWAY. Today I went to Happy Feet, which was cute, then to a Grey Cup party with a bunch of the camp staff, it was good. There were lots of people there that I hadn't seen in a while. Camp people are fun. Anyways that was my weekend (With a bunch of confusing church-talk thrown into the middle there.... sorry... but when I blog I blog) Have a happy day everyone.
Quote of the movie: "Don't push me because I'm close to the edge"...... lol gotta love it....

These are not the words

2006-11-16T21:43:00.000-06:00

Harry Lehotsky died this past week. I haven't seen him since the summer of 2004, when I took MUC and MTT teams from camp to stay in his church, work at Lazarus Housing, and rally the neighborhood kids to come and play with us, this was the last of 4 summers that I had the opportunity to either be a part of or lead these teams. How incredible it was. Each experience unique. Each experience impacting my life. Walking through the community with him, sitting in on a community meeting, joining his congregation for Sunday service. Great memoriesHarry was always very accommodating of us, and when he could he made time to share with us his story. It is a unique one. One that I don't think I'm capable of forgetting, I'll forget the details, but I will not forget the message, and I will not forget the passion, and I will not forget the conviction with which he spoke. He was where God wanted him, he knew that, without a doubt. . I hope we all someday find where we fit like that, and not be afraid to go with God, wherever that may be. So this week my thoughts have revolved around this man, and how he impacted my life, his community, the people of his church, his family. I have often thought of him over the past months, knowing that he was slowly saying goodbye to the world that he knew... but now... rejoicing in heaven. In that we are supposed to be thankful, I know that he suffered, I know he is with God, I didn't know that learning of his passing would affect me in this way. I believe it is positive, because Harry's example was positive. I never have the words. Oh well. I was only at his funeral in spirit, part of me wanted to be there, but a bigger part of me didn't want to go alone... as I worked that day my thoughts were there. Its not about me anyway.

So this entry is for Pastor Harry. In remembrance of him, maybe in someway my 'see ya later' to a man who by following God and allowing God to work through him impacted my life and I was changed. I only hope that I can find where God wants me to 'fit', follow without fear, and 'walk the walk'. Pastor Harry left a mark on this earth, and impacted so many, I know I am only one small person in a sea of many who were somehow, in some way touched by his life. I only saw him a few weeks a summer... and yet I will never be the same because of it.

comments and thoughts

2006-11-01T21:32:00.000-06:00

So..... here I am... and here are some of my thoughts for the week...

After tomorrow I will have worked 3 full days this week (this is a good thing...)
Today was a long day because I didn't really have to do anything at work (there was a student teacher in the room and she pretty much ran the show)
Grade 3 is an interesting age...
If you learn math in French it is apparently hard to start learning in English - I was facinated by this fact.
I am frustrated and tired of being patient when it comes to finding a job... but I guess I'll keep being patient and doing the best I can because that is all I can do for now.
# of churches attended last weekend: 2
Seeking: Freedom, Peace

nothing better to do...

2006-10-28T23:19:00.000-05:00

SO, I'm bored, which is not that unusual, I also just had a large T.H. coffee and considering that I don't really drink coffee all that often that means I will be fairly alert for some time to come... so here goes a survey... just cause I have nothing better to do for the moment...

Who was the last person you...
1. You hung out with? Talking with Pam tonight... that sort of counts
2. Rode in a car with?Lots by myself recently, but most likely Dave... I'm a bit of a taxi service somedays.
3. Went to the movies with?No Idea, its been a while
4. You went to the mall with? ummm, don't know.... don't spend much time at the mall.
6. You talked on the phone/IMed to? Umm, a principal of a school... asking me to work.
7. Made you laugh? My own stupidity.

W O U L D . Y O U . R A T H E R?
1. Pierce your nose or tongue?nose
2. Be serious or be funny?Vewwy vewwy sewious
3. Drink whole or skim milk?:skim- but I don't really care.
4. Die in a fire or drown?ummm, lets say neither
5. Spend time with your parents or enemies?:Parents, though I think I do enough of that.

A N S W E R. T R U T H F U L L Y.1.
Do you like anyone? well, people in general I suppose.

Y O U . P R E F E R.
1. Sun or moon?:Sun. I like sunshine! But the moon can be fun too
2. Winter or Fall?Fall... mostly cause I hate winter
.3. left or right?Right?
4. 10 acquaintances or two best friends?Two best friends.
5. Sunny or rain? Sun, but rain is nice once in a while
6. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?ummm probably vanilla if I had to choose

.A B O U T . Y O U.
1. What time is it?11:25 (how is that about me?
2. First Name?:Heather
3. What do you want to do? Teach, go on a warm vacation, spend time with fun people
4. Where do you wanna live?:negotiable
5. How many kids do you want?also negotiable
6. Do you want to get married?Yes. Someday
7. what do you like on your pizza? No pineapple
8. Can you cross your eyes?Not skillfully
9. Do you make your bed daily?Nope
.
R A N D O M.
1. Which shoe goes on first? I'm thinking the right one... never really thought about it though
!2. Ever thrown a shoe at someone?'I'm thinking yes
3. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?Twirl
.4. Have you ever eaten Spam? Yes.
3. Favorite ice cream? Peppermint... but you can only find it at Christmas
4. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet?Not sure.
5. Current mood? Ummm, a little discouraged.----

IN . THE. LAST. 48 HOURS. HAVE. YOU.
1. kissed some one? Nope
2. Sang?Yes
3. Been hugged:No
4. Felt stupid:Yes.
5. Missed Someone:Yes
6. Danced Crazy?No
7. Gotten your hair cut?No
8. Cried:Yes

S T U F F .
1. do you have a Dog? There is a decreped dog that lives here but she's not really mine.
2. When's the last time you've been sledding?Probably last winter
3. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone? I pretty much like my bed... but maybe someday
.4. Do you believe in ghosts?Umm no.
5. Do you consider yourself creative? Maybe in some way... not sure I've found it yet

All you ever wanted to know and more... have a great weekend everybody.

today

2006-10-22T13:05:00.000-05:00

So, once again I'm back, it actually hasn't been all that long, maybe I'll get more regular with this blogging thing (no promises though). What have I been up to? More substitute teaching... fun fun... the other day I was in a grade 1 class, it was actually pretty good as in grade 1 if you are the teacher you are pretty darn special. Kids are so funny, we were learning about the number 5, and let me tell ya, that was a challenge as many had not quite mastered 1-4... I'm thinking I might go crazy if I taught grade 1 but it was fun for a couple of hours.

Lets see... what else... I went to a wedding in Minnesota, that was pretty fun, lots of craziness and I was very tired after this short 'vacation' but it was worth it, I don't go many places these days so it was good to be 'away' for a few days.

Most profound learning as of late: the past dosn't matter, how I got to where I am dosn't matter, everything behind dosn't matter what matters is where I am at today and where I go from here. What matters is today. Start today. No judgement. Just today.

So here I am. Where I am. Today.

ok

2006-10-03T19:18:00.000-05:00

OK, so this blog thing tends to turn into a rant about life in general and nothing too specific. I think this is just how my mind works... my brain moves quickly and I can't seem to say what I want to say in a way that makes sense and how others can percieve it correctly... especially when speaking... at least when I write it out it has half a chance because I can try... and sometimes fail... to say what I want to say.

So. Update. I am officially a not very busy substitute teacher. This is not a lifelong career choice for me that's for sure. Granted it is easy, and relatively stress free... and I like the 'no homework' part of it. But I really miss having my own class, and having a group of students to care about every day. There are some terrible classes (especially in high school... no offence to any high school agers out there... I like you as people... I'm just not so much into teaching high school classes... though it may be different if I were there full time) ANYWAY. At least I know that I don't want to be a high school teacher. Its good to learn such things. Work is work. And I'm waiting for some mat leaves to start so I can apply for some more jobs... time will tell where this year will lead.

So. I went to church last week. Actually it has been two consecutive weeks in a row (It has been probably a couple years since that has happened). Its been good. Its a bit of a drive as I chose to go out of the local communities, but its good. I feel ok there. And I can sneak in and out fairly quietly if I want to. I've had a love/hate relationship with the concept and all the extras and socialness (not a word... so what) of church. I've decided that it is not church that I want. It is God that I want. Simple. I don't necessarily want all the drama and relationships and pressure to fit some mold that dosn't really exist but people expect. I want simple. It has been that way all along. But I'm trying to define what that means to me, and how that looks and what it really involves. Perhaps I'm way off base in all my thinking (call me on it if you want). Its been a strange winding and bumpy road. I feel like it has been an uphill battle for some time, its my own fault... human as I am.... doubting as I am... I'm ok with it, its my journey, and I suppose really the only person that needs to understand it is me. I'm not yet where I should be, but perhaps I might get back on track, I've been a little lost in the woods... I need some Christmas lights on the trail. Healing takes time, but I'm choosing to be proactive in it, and try to make some positive changes that hopefully will lead to good things. I'm a different person than I once was, and I think that's ok too, though some days I struggle with the change and wonder what happened. Sometimes scars are permanent. I'm hoping to come out stronger on the other side. I definitly feel like the only person in the world who struggles with this, though in my head I know I'm not (but how come no one ever talks about the hard stuff of faith???? Why is it always sunshine and rainbows and just look to God and everything will be great???.......AHHHHHHHHHH.) Life happens. God is always good. But life still happens.

Here I am. Spilling all this nonsense online (at least its an optional read right??). Here I am. Ok.

2006-08-14T22:24:00.000-05:00

It's been a while.... maybe I should catch up.
Let me see, the last few months have been full of good, bad, ugly, happiness, sadness, disappointment, despair and confusion. On some scale all of those have been present. Right now I am somewhere in between, and it changes fairly regularily and sporadically, which keeps me on my toes because I never really know whats coming next.
I finished my school year with my students strong, I enjoyed it greatly and I became more relaxed and had fun with my kids. I find myself unemployed for the fall as of today and greatly frustrated about it. This has not been an easy journey, and I struggle with what I am supposed to be learning from all of this, and I struggle with how I am going to get through it some days. I very much identified myself with my job, and thinking about not doing it again is sad to me (not that I will never teach again... but I'm just not sure how this journey is going to unfold for me) I watch others, friends, getting the jobs and that is hard, but part of the game I suppose.
I don't know where I am going, I don't know where I should go, decisions don't come easy to me at the best of times, and this certainly isnt' the best of times. I often wonder about the person that I have become over the past few years. I'm not sure who I am supposed to be. There have been different versions of me through the years, versions of who I am, what I believe in, and why. The person I was before seems so distant. I don't know what it is to rely on faith, and there is so much doubt in my life. I hate fakeness, and I don't want to do things or feel things, or believe things that change. I don't want to be a certain way because others might expect it, I want to do it for me, I don't want to be closed off from non-christians in judgement as so many are. Where will I find a balance between my worlds? Will I find a balance? Is balance possible? Hard to say. My foundation is cracked... I'm not sure how it happened, but the damage is done and renovations are not going to be easy.
I watch and listen to others who have a faith so strong (or so it appears on the outside) and I see I've grown to be different. Its a strange feeling and I'm not sure I long to be that person, though I'm not sure. Once again. Don't know. Surprise, surprise. I've spent time in reflection this summer, though I'm not sure where it has gotten me. My time at camp was theraputic, it was quiet (if that is possible... somehow it was) and there were minimal demands on my time, and minimal stress. I couldn't have dealt with stress at that point in the summer so it was good. Above all, it was almost painfully quiet, I dread quiet, I live for distraction, so quiet was hard and good all at the same time. Camp is good. I'm thankful that they let me be there. Without question or judgement as I worked through the worst of my struggle this summer.
So my ramble brings me to now... wanting more, but not knowing what more is, more of what???? Space? Time? Direction? Distraction? Peace? Laughter? I just know that I desire much and I can't define it. My journey lies hidden to me, but I know will unfold in time (it has to right?)
So here I am. More than disappointed, more than sad, more than frustrated, more than confused, more than angry. Just more. Here I am. Wanting more....

restless

2006-04-08T22:41:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure why this blog is such a journal, things that I wouldn't normally talk about seem to have there place here where the world may read them (though I'm fairly sure the world dosn't cause lets face it I'm not that interesting) Anyway I have officially been living in one spot for more than a year. This hasn't happened in about 8 years. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I'm not sure my life is where I want it to be. I feel like I'm going backwards in many ways though I know that I am on a path - one that most days I may not understand - but a path nonetheless. My indifference continues, but there is an added restlessness, a need for change. A change of what I'm not yet sure - space? location? mindset? scenery? paintcolor? shoes? people? Who knows... time will tell. I am unsatisfied in my indifference. My 'lukewarmness' if you will. I recently read some prose that clearly defined what it is that I am feeling, the gist of it was that - standing on a cliff, and on one side there are people struggling and barely hanging on, on the other side, people free, jumping and soaring, and then there is me in the middle. Not struggling with major issues, but not free, and not soaring, not victorious. I have lost much in this battle of the last year and a half. It has left me in the middle. Lukewarm, with lack of vision, and lack of passion. What a gross place to be. But I don't know where my mind is and therefore do not know the course to changing it.... yet anyways. So I will continue. In restlessness, that will inevitably turn to urgency, to move out of the this place of indifference.
I will look on the bright side... and I will look up.
Peace.

indifference

2006-03-03T20:35:00.000-06:00

February is over, thank goodness, each day that passes is one day closer to summer and I can hardly wait for the snow to melt. Not because of any big plans because I actually have none at this point, I just want winter to be over. Winter is cold, and dark, and snowy, and I often feel trapped by these elements (maybe I should move?) probably won't happen. Anyways it is now the 3rd day of March, so things are looking up (except for all the snow that keeps falling down). I'll try not to parrallel anything to driving today however, although my 'adventures' continue, living out here in the sticks, the parrallels will probably get less and less effective, even in my own mind.

So this is my life, I get up, go to work, come home, there is the occasional meeting, and the odd trip to the gym, out for coffee or shopping, but basically, my life is work, and I am indifferent. Things are ok there. Not great, but ok. I am definitly feeling the pressure to find another job for next year, patience, patience. Something permanent would be nice. Anyways, work will happen. It is not just work, it is life that I am indifferent to, and on some level, my own faith, and God. This is a scary position. Not sure what to do about it. I don't think indifference is a good place to be but that is the best word that I have to describe it right now.

I have no incredible stories to tell, no amazing revelations, or inspiring prose. What can I say? It has been winter. A season. I just figured I hadn't posted in a while, so why not, however uninspiring these words may be.

My mind is jumbled with work.... so I will end this ramble.

One step at a time..... hopefully on a path out of indifference. Peace.

once again

2006-01-17T19:56:00.000-06:00

"It smells like McDonalds apple pie, I like their pie it is good" -a student... completely random... I think we were doing math at the time... kids are funny. I try to keep laughing.

A new year. I don't really like the idea of resolutions, so I choose not to make them, but I do like to make decisions, in a hope that a decision will be worth more. Time will tell.

So last week I tried to get out of the yard and there was a really big snowdrift that had blown across the lane. I knew immediately that even though I was driving my fun new little SUV this drift was likely to prove to be a little too much. It was tall. And long. But I had to try, it was dark out and there was no one up yet, I would have to get myself stuck and then call for help. That is exactly what I did, I took a run at it... made it about half way and was hung up. 4 Wheel Drive dosn't help much if your wheels are off the ground. Much to my liking my phone decided that there was service out here that morning and I was able to call the house for help (I didn't even have to walk anywhere!) My rescue was a couple minutes, a tractor, and a tug away. It was fairly quick and painless. The point of telling the story? Sometimes you can't do it on your own. I'm not really one to ask for help if I can help it, when it comes to things like getting unstuck I have no problem, but if there is a chance that I can do things on my own I probably will. Or at least I'll try. This is not a good trait when it comes to faith. I'm not supposed to do it all on my own. I'm thinking quite the opposite in fact, sometimes it's ok to be rescued, and sometimes its ok to make mistakes, and sometimes its ok to get some help for along the way.

Sometimes it takes perseverence. Diligence. Endurance. Strength. Discipline. I parallel once again to driving. Monday morning I wake up to 15cm of new snow piled on my lovely Ford. I was not expecting snow so was a little put aback. I turned on the radio just in case I was in luck and school was cancelled. No such luck. I ventured out. The snow was deep, but drivable. (Why do I live here???) Some other brave soul had been the first one down the road and made a track (thank goodness). It took power to get to work that day 4X4 was a real blessing. My point? I hope I have one! Life isn't always easy, but there is a path laid out before you, and although it may take power, patience, perseverence, getting stuck, and it may be hard at times, it may downright suck at times, and though you may loose sight of the road at times and veer off, if you keep your eyes fixed on the destination, eventually you will get there. Never alone. I hope that I take my own off kilter parallels and remind my self of all of these things.

Once Again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside.
Once again I thank You.

.... and someday soon I hope to be able to finish the song with honest sincereity.

Peace.

interesting and not all at once

2006-01-11T19:28:00.000-06:00

Just found this... looked like fun and I haven't posted in a while... so figured what the heck. I think it actually rings true for me for the most part. Perhaps it will for you too!

Your Birthdate: June 6

You tend to be a the rock in relationships - people depend on you.Thoughtful and caring, you often put others needs first.You aren't content to help those you know... you want to give to the world.An idealist, you strive for positive change and dream about how much better things could be.
Your strength: Your intuition
Your weakness: You put yourself last
Your power color: Rose
Your power symbol: Cloud
Your power month: June

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanquiz/">What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

first

2005-11-20T18:56:00.000-06:00

First real job.
First real classroom of my own.
First report cards written.
First parent interviews.
First meetings.
First issues to solve (new ones everyday).
First formal evalulation.
First paycheck (in a while anyways).
First vehicle of my own (finally!!)
The past two and a half months have been crazy. It has been up and down and sideways, up one wall across the ceiling and down the other and back again. There are days that are long and hard and there are days that are fun and things go well. There is a balance to be found between work and life - and apparently they are not the same thing. I continue to be challenged at work but it is getting easier. There is just so much to learn still and so much to do everyday. It is an overwhelming job most days. I continue to try to live in the moment with a drive towards seeing the 'big picture' (and if someone would tell me a little more specifically what the heck that means life would be good).
Life is good and I guess I can't complain. I have a lot going for me and things could be far worse. I am truly thankful to be where I am, fumbling through the present and seeking out the future. One step and one 'first' at a time.

new every morning

2005-09-30T21:42:00.000-05:00

Ah, the challenges of a new lifestyle, a new job, a new routine. An adjustment. The learning never stops. I stand in front of 23 young young people everyday and try to accomplish something... with them? within them? I suppose the goal would be to make each and every day meaningful in some way, to have minimal time wasted and to be eager to build relationships. There is so much more to teaching than curriculum, but as a new teacher it is hard to see the big picture, to see beyond today, tomorrow, this week. I'm learning to live in the moment. To try to do the best I can with the time and the energy that I have, and to hope that in 'the big picture' it is all worth it.
I will continue to search for the perspective that I need, the vision for this year, for my life, and for my students. No matter what happens each day, whatever it brings, each day is different. Tomorrow there will be a new morning, with new challenges and new triumphs. I will not dwell on what was but on each day as new. New every morning... Great is Thy faithfulness...

borrowed faith

2005-08-29T22:09:00.000-05:00

The summer has gone by... so slow and yet so fast all at the same time. My "career" begins in a few days. A surreal feeling. It is good. The stress will begin soon enough.

I think I've grown this summer, and have learnt new things about myself, both who I am, and who it is that I want to be. Though I haven't done anything profoundly interesting or life-changing I am progressing through this transition time in my life and I am learning to accept all the good things that have come my way (feels strange to think that I have to learn to accept good... but that's how I see it). I couldn't ask for it to be different or better, all the doors were swung open for me to jump right though, it's an exciting new journey that I am thrilled (most days) to be on.

I was tremendously encouraged by all of my favorite camp people... Lisa E.... haha... had to mention you cause you said I should. What an awesome privilege to know and work with these people. I am continually inspired. I feel as if I'm borrowing their faith for the time being... as mine seems hard to find... and though you don't know it... I'm riding on all of ya'all's unwaivering faith, for that I thank you. So... while I keep looking for my own... I will be walking with borrowed faith. Till next time. Peace.

Spinnin my tires....

2005-07-31T00:16:00.000-05:00

Well... another day and another post. What's new? WELL... not a whole lot. I just got back from a fairly non-adventurous little trip with 2 friends of mine to my aunt's fishing lodge. While we didn't do any fishing I did manage to get them both into a canoe, which was probably the highlight of the trip for me. It was a relaxing time, nothing extraordinary happened, but what else is new. Now I find myself back where I began... a little stuck... still not knowing where I'm going. Moving... but is it forward? I have to wonder sometimes. My purpose will change soon as I head to work and what will probably be a very busy year. It'll be good.

Where my mind is...

2005-07-18T14:58:00.000-05:00

Well, again, writing, or 'blogging' if you will. I'm at home, though I would prefer to be elsewhere. This picture is from the valley... a common yet amazing morning sight that you can take for granted when you live there... but when away from there you miss it. Pretty incredible world we live in, almost as if you are 'on top of the world' with the clouds below and the blue sky above. It dosn't get much better. I know I'm a little 'over nostalgic' when it comes to camp, but its hard not to think about this summer although I'm enjoying some time off I still miss the craziness of that place and being in the middle of it all. It's all good... here's to the next step...

Just a picture to you...

2005-07-09T19:39:00.000-05:00

This is a fun pic with many memories attached. This picture was taken in the Dominican Republic in January of 2000 when I was on outreach following my Phase II school at YWAM Denver. Dana, Katie, Peter, Josh, and Lydia are pictured here with me. We spent a week building a church (which involved a lot of digging, mixing cement, and laying bricks/cinder blocks. I learned a lot that week. It was hard but it was awesome at the same time. Our 'shower' facilities was a creek down in the woods... pretty cool... literally and figuratively. I also learned that week that it is possible to 'walk up hill both ways' as we hiked OVER a 'mountain' (it looked like a mountain... maybe it was a big hill) and then to get back we had to hike back OVER the mountain. There was definitly uphill both ways (there was also downhill though). An amazing week. One of about 7 that we spent in DR/Haiti/Mexico... I'll save some stories for another time. Peace.

midnight on a winding road

2005-07-09T19:25:00.000-05:00

Here I am again. Just returned from a week... well two weeks I guess of camp life. The valley is very much a part of who I am, going there is like going home. There is a cool atmosphere that exists in no other place that I have found. I love that place, it is fun to be there. A goal I had going in was to gain 'perspective' I'm not sure that I have, another goal was to leave fuller than I came (fuller not food wise but fuller as a person... it's a long story) and that I think has happened at least to some degree. There was no amazing moment, or incredible revelation about who I am and where I am going, but baby steps. I still find myself lost in this transition time, lost in knowing what it is that I want, what it is that I believe, how it is that I want to live. In that way I'd say that my life right now seems like it has been midnight on a winding road... not knowing where I am or where to go (not my words... but I like em anyways). I'm ready for the sun to rise to light my path, or for the road to straighten in order to get to wherever it is that I may be going. For the moment I remain on this winding path, and yet I trust, one day, it will all become clear. I will contemplate. I will try to figure it out. And I will wait.

again for the very first time

2005-06-25T11:42:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone. It's a little hard to believe that I am sitting here and actually starting a blog... but lets face it... I have some time on my hands. I suppose this blog may turn out to be a little eclectic in nature as I post whatever whenever, and the whenever may get less frequent as I start work in September and my life becomes consumed with trying to manage my new classroom full of grade 5's and 6's. Yep, I'm finally a teacher, and five years of school has made me appreciate the fact that I am finally finished with university... at least for my forseeable future... and so I am in transition from one lifestyle to another. From the life of a student to starting a full time professional career (that sounds really serious!) It's not really, I'm excited and ready for the change even if this time of 'transition' is a struggle, to find my place, and decide what it is that I want from this time. I'm headed to camp for two weeks... I am glad to have the break from being at home... and I hope to gain some perspective and have some fun while I'm there. The Pembina Valley Bible Camp has been my home for the last 4 summers... and for much more time before that... and so... this spring and summer... I miss it. That perhaps makes this "in-between" time a little harder. There is a time for change and for moving on... and I guess I have come to that place... I stand...a little reluctantly perhaps....at a crossroads...dragging my feet a little in the process... Here I Am...again for the very first time Peace.