It's been a while.... maybe I should catch up.
Let me see, the last few months have been full of good, bad, ugly, happiness, sadness, disappointment, despair and confusion. On some scale all of those have been present. Right now I am somewhere in between, and it changes fairly regularily and sporadically, which keeps me on my toes because I never really know whats coming next.
I finished my school year with my students strong, I enjoyed it greatly and I became more relaxed and had fun with my kids. I find myself unemployed for the fall as of today and greatly frustrated about it. This has not been an easy journey, and I struggle with what I am supposed to be learning from all of this, and I struggle with how I am going to get through it some days. I very much identified myself with my job, and thinking about not doing it again is sad to me (not that I will never teach again... but I'm just not sure how this journey is going to unfold for me) I watch others, friends, getting the jobs and that is hard, but part of the game I suppose.
I don't know where I am going, I don't know where I should go, decisions don't come easy to me at the best of times, and this certainly isnt' the best of times. I often wonder about the person that I have become over the past few years. I'm not sure who I am supposed to be. There have been different versions of me through the years, versions of who I am, what I believe in, and why. The person I was before seems so distant. I don't know what it is to rely on faith, and there is so much doubt in my life. I hate fakeness, and I don't want to do things or feel things, or believe things that change. I don't want to be a certain way because others might expect it, I want to do it for me, I don't want to be closed off from non-christians in judgement as so many are. Where will I find a balance between my worlds? Will I find a balance? Is balance possible? Hard to say. My foundation is cracked... I'm not sure how it happened, but the damage is done and renovations are not going to be easy.
I watch and listen to others who have a faith so strong (or so it appears on the outside) and I see I've grown to be different. Its a strange feeling and I'm not sure I long to be that person, though I'm not sure. Once again. Don't know. Surprise, surprise. I've spent time in reflection this summer, though I'm not sure where it has gotten me. My time at camp was theraputic, it was quiet (if that is possible... somehow it was) and there were minimal demands on my time, and minimal stress. I couldn't have dealt with stress at that point in the summer so it was good. Above all, it was almost painfully quiet, I dread quiet, I live for distraction, so quiet was hard and good all at the same time. Camp is good. I'm thankful that they let me be there. Without question or judgement as I worked through the worst of my struggle this summer.
So my ramble brings me to now... wanting more, but not knowing what more is, more of what???? Space? Time? Direction? Distraction? Peace? Laughter? I just know that I desire much and I can't define it. My journey lies hidden to me, but I know will unfold in time (it has to right?)
So here I am. More than disappointed, more than sad, more than frustrated, more than confused, more than angry. Just more. Here I am. Wanting more....
