get real

I am struck and compelled today to write. I cannot even express the amount of joy, almost exhileration... at finally putting some sort of a picture on what this God Journey is for me... and it all happened in a 5 minute conversation. I'm definitely not talking about a huge awakening moment where I am changed forever. It is more of relief. A huge weight off my shoulders... or at least the weight has become more balanced, it seems easier right now in THIS moment. I thought I was alone in my thinking, in how I felt, in how I am still feeling (I use the word feeling alot... its not that I base everything on feelings, feelings change, I just find its the best suited word right now). In this conversation we discussed grace, openness, and freedom. And I finally saw, or put words to the 'feeling'.... in a place where you would expect great freedom, that freedom is stifled, snuffed out, and covered up by sunshine and roses, false fronts. Nobody talks about what its really like. Nobody struggles. Everybody does good, does the 'right thing' and just keeps going. In a place that should be community and openess, and support for each other, there is only surface talk, surface relationship, most (not all) of it seems pretend.

Apparently there are places that exist, where there is shared passion, shared yearning, there is openess in stuggle, and there is grace. I don't know where to find this place... but I hope that one day I will. I doubt its existence here in this part of the world.

I hate fakeness.

Why can't people just be real with each other? What are we so afraid of??? (coming from someone who fears everything).... seriously. What? Isn't that what this journey is about? Why do we have to do it alone? I KNOW I KNOW.... we're all a body of believers....BLAH....its crap if its all fake. I desire truth. I'm not seeking an easy journey though that would be nice, just honesty.... without judgement.

I'm relieved, I'm not alone, I'm not the only one who sees this, it only took a virtual stranger and 4 years of searching for a way to sort of organize my thoughts and that gives me great joy for the moment. I am also angry and frustrated, because I don't see a way out. If this is how it is... is it worth it?

It's a ramble. There are more posts to come, a little more focussed perhaps, but a journal just wasn't enought right now. I needed to read my thoughts here. My thinking may be full of mistakes, or weird angles, and somewhat mixed up.... but who isn't? All believers are on a journey.... and its not all sunshine and roses.... I just don't know why people glaze over whats really going on.

Random thought I don't want to forget:
It's not about climbing your way out of the hole you are in, clawing, and clamouring to get out, expending all energy, it dosn't have to be a long hard journey back, step outside of it and walk forward.

Lets get real.

fearless

This is what I aim to be. Fear sucks. I mean seriously, makes me angry. It holds me back from things that I want to do. I don't mean shaking in my boots, running and hiding fear... I mean erring too far on the side of caution, fear of what others are thinking, fear that holds me back from life.

I wonder how many people are truly happy with their lives. I know I am no where near where I thought that I might be, my life has made twists and turns along the way to bring me to where I am now. Its not necessarily a bad thing, but dwelling on the matter dosn't bring me great joy thats for sure. I think this is part of where the fear comes from. I fear the unknown, and the twists and turns, if I don't know where they are leading (and obviously nobody does) I am hesitant to move forward, and that sucks. and I hate it. and it makes me stuck. and I need to get unstuck, and thats what I need to work on.

I never used to be like this, and its strange to think of the person that I am now, and perhaps my own perspective is different from that of outsiders, but mine is the only perspective I have so I have to go with it. I didn't fear the unknown to the extent that I do now. I used to get up and go for things, and didn't overthink every little thing like I do now. Whatever. I'm strange. I get it. Whatever.

This is a weird post. .... once again I wonder why I blog.... I don't speak it out loud... so I may as well write it down for the world (or at least a few people - including myself) to see.