so many things

There is so much running through my head... my head is full... I'm not sure I can handle any more thoughts right now... so much processing. I just came from church, I love Saturday evening service, there are less people, I'm so much more alert in the evening, I feel less like the new kid on the block because there are fewer people, and I just like the set-up. Today the message was about 'Where do I go from here?', the end of a series dealing with relationships. The series has been odd for me because as I have mentioned there are a lack of relationships in my life in general (not married, no kids, no work relationships right now etc.) The service was about healing. In relationships especially. Again. I didn't think I had any that really needed mending, not that my life is perfect, but overall in the relationships with other people department things are ok. The message wasn't totally that though. It delved a bit into healing in general. Basically the 'revelation' that God put on me.... He cares.... Its already done... and I need to accept it.... let go of the guilt, the anger, the frustration, the sadness.... and let God in. Jesus did it all on the cross. I need to know that not only in my head, but in my heart. I'm not sure how this will happen, but somehow I know that it will. I wish it was instant. This time it is not going to be though I don't think.... Perseverance. I feel like I need to re-define or re-figure out how to live for God, how to let Him in... and how to let Him work in and through me. There are some serious walls up, I'm not sure how they will come down. But I need to keep trying. That I know. And there is a drive within me to do that and I hope it lasts, and I hope i don't give up, or get too frustrated. I'm on a strange path. I don't know where it is going, I don't see the light at the end, and I hope beyond hope that I don't end up lost in here (whatever place this is) again, cause finding my way out is taking all of me.

I'm holding on to the past, to guilt, to hurts, frustrations, anger, all this yucky stuff... knowing that the past dosn't matter. My future starts today. My slate is wiped clean with God... because that is the kind of God He is, the past dosn't matter. Jesus died for all of it. Why can't I let Him in???? Why am I holding on??? I don't know. But I'll figure it out. Jesus cares for us.

Totally unrelated note: Looking for a position SUCKS. I just got the paper today... and they re-posted positions... that means waiting 2 more weeks until even the possibility of an interview... I DON'T UNDERSTAND.... but my portfolio is with the right person right now, so I need to keep my hopes up for now I guess, this SUCKS. We'll see what happens. I'm so very tired of this, almost ready to give up, but I know that I can't. ARG. Did I mention that this SUCKS????????? Kay I'm done now. Please hope with me that I get a job???!!!! I need all the hope I can get right now. Peace.

movin along

SO. The weekend has gone fairly well. I have come to not like weekends because I don't have enough to do and I get extra bored then but this one wasn't bad. Friday I did nothing (which was very boring), Saturday I printed a whole bunch of pictures cause I want to make an album of them... which I haven't done yet but I will.... and then I went to church for Sat. Evening service. I have been blessed by going to church. I still have a hard time with church. But overall it has been good. This Saturday was harder than it has been in a while, I'm not sure why, but I often feel so suffocated in church, like I can't breath, I get angry and want to scream or hide or some random thing. I'm not sure why this occurs, part of healing I suppose. It kinda sucks, but I'm going to keep trying. The messages for the past number of weeks have been about the 'Healthy Home' and 'Relationships'... it has been a little off for me as I don't have a lot of relationships in my life, I have no husband or children, I have no steady job, I only just began going to church so beyond my friends and family there is not much to go on there. I try not to focus on what does not apply to me though and try to be open to why God wants me there, because I think He does. That is why I go. God is there. Working through the people there. That is why I go. Not because I want church. But because I want God. I'm not having an easy time of it. But I will keep trying. (how many times can I start a sentence with the word BUT before it gets annoying??). ANYWAY. Today I went to Happy Feet, which was cute, then to a Grey Cup party with a bunch of the camp staff, it was good. There were lots of people there that I hadn't seen in a while. Camp people are fun. Anyways that was my weekend (With a bunch of confusing church-talk thrown into the middle there.... sorry... but when I blog I blog) Have a happy day everyone.
Quote of the movie: "Don't push me because I'm close to the edge"...... lol gotta love it....

These are not the words

Harry Lehotsky died this past week. I haven't seen him since the summer of 2004, when I took MUC and MTT teams from camp to stay in his church, work at Lazarus Housing, and rally the neighborhood kids to come and play with us, this was the last of 4 summers that I had the opportunity to either be a part of or lead these teams. How incredible it was. Each experience unique. Each experience impacting my life. Walking through the community with him, sitting in on a community meeting, joining his congregation for Sunday service. Great memoriesHarry was always very accommodating of us, and when he could he made time to share with us his story. It is a unique one. One that I don't think I'm capable of forgetting, I'll forget the details, but I will not forget the message, and I will not forget the passion, and I will not forget the conviction with which he spoke. He was where God wanted him, he knew that, without a doubt. . I hope we all someday find where we fit like that, and not be afraid to go with God, wherever that may be. So this week my thoughts have revolved around this man, and how he impacted my life, his community, the people of his church, his family. I have often thought of him over the past months, knowing that he was slowly saying goodbye to the world that he knew... but now... rejoicing in heaven. In that we are supposed to be thankful, I know that he suffered, I know he is with God, I didn't know that learning of his passing would affect me in this way. I believe it is positive, because Harry's example was positive. I never have the words. Oh well. I was only at his funeral in spirit, part of me wanted to be there, but a bigger part of me didn't want to go alone... as I worked that day my thoughts were there. Its not about me anyway.

So this entry is for Pastor Harry. In remembrance of him, maybe in someway my 'see ya later' to a man who by following God and allowing God to work through him impacted my life and I was changed. I only hope that I can find where God wants me to 'fit', follow without fear, and 'walk the walk'. Pastor Harry left a mark on this earth, and impacted so many, I know I am only one small person in a sea of many who were somehow, in some way touched by his life. I only saw him a few weeks a summer... and yet I will never be the same because of it.

comments and thoughts

So..... here I am... and here are some of my thoughts for the week...

• After tomorrow I will have worked 3 full days this week (this is a good thing...)
• Today was a long day because I didn't really have to do anything at work (there was a student teacher in the room and she pretty much ran the show)
• Grade 3 is an interesting age...
• If you learn math in French it is apparently hard to start learning in English - I was facinated by this fact.
• I am frustrated and tired of being patient when it comes to finding a job... but I guess I'll keep being patient and doing the best I can because that is all I can do for now.
• # of churches attended last weekend: 2
• Seeking: Freedom, Peace