I think we are always in a constant state of learning... there is always a lesson. I have been learning. I am always learning. These past few months the lesson have been life ones... I have been learning a lot about myself. What I am capable of. The power of decisions. Willpower. Courage. Feeling. Fear. Being me.
The inspiration of my post today? Ask me a question... and I'll give you and answer.
How was your day? 'Good'
How was school? 'Fine'
How was your weekend? 'Good'
Whats going on? 'Nothing'
All good questions.
All crappy answers.
They are pretty much lies a lot of the time. But they are the answers that people expect. That's all that most want to hear. That's all people really have time for. Lets face it, do we all have time to listen to everyone's story? Probably not. Would we all be better if perhaps we did this more often? Yep. I think so.
When the question is rephrased. My answers are different. When the question is sincere. My answers are different. When I know someone wants to listen. My answers are different. They are real. I will tell the truth. And when I don't have the words (and this happens a lot). I will stumble through it. And the listener will usually understand. I am not one to often offer up information, the stuff that really matters anyway, easily. I think before I speak (usually), and I guard what I say. If you want to know something. Really know. You probably need to ask. That is just the way it is. I don't know if this is something that will change easily about me. But I'm learning.
Its a calculated risk. To let people know me.
Just smile and nod.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
new beginnings.
This new beginning starts with a new job. I accepted a permanent contract last week. It feels GOOD. There is finally, for the first time in 5 years, or quite possibly ever in my life there is some sort of job security. I do not have to look for work next spring if I don't want to. This information is still sort of sinking in. And I waiver between happiness, excitement, fear, and uncertainty. Its weird that I feel fear and uncertainty right now but I do. I worry about what next year will bring, and I hope beyond hope that I like where I'm going, and that I want to stay there... or that the right opportunity for me opens up later should it not be the best place for me... I just hope. In my world of worries and 'what-ifs' (I really need to stop with the what-ifs). I'm tense just trying to process this. I think its somewhat problematic that I always tend to blog when I'm in some sort of overly-reflective mood. Stopping now.
To new beginnings. Letting my joy scream past my fear....
Cheers.
To new beginnings. Letting my joy scream past my fear....
Cheers.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
spring
New beginnings?
So I had some good conversations with colleagues today. Well. I don't know if good is the perfect word... but they were... um... I don't have the right word, so we'll stick with good.
We were discussing my future.
This happens A LOT.
Every spring for the last 5 years this has happened. It never gets easier. In fact I'm pretty sure it gets harder. The uncertainty is hard for me. Not knowing is hard. The 'what ifs' are hard. I know there are far worse afflictions to have in this world, but this one is big in my world. Quite big in fact.
There were interesting things said... and other people summed it up best: When this sort of thing happens it makes you feel: pushed around, worthless, less than you are, unsure of yourself, un/undervalued..... etc. (yep. that sums it up pretty good). ALSO.
In another conversation. A REALLY good point:
Referring to being shuffled around, etc.:
There comes a point where it is all about conformity. The real and true Heather is lost, because of pressure to be someone that she isn't (yes, I was in the room when she was saying this... like this... I like the way she talks... haha), being in places where it is not truly her, or about her, or the 'best' place for her. Walls go up. Heather is backed against a wall, and at some point she gives up. And is lost. We do not want this to happen. Who is the real Heather? Its hard to know, because she doesn't stay in one place long enough to build those quality relationships, and doesn't want to build them because she is leaving, it is more difficult to see the strengths... because of the constant adjustment....
These people said many true and important things.
I can't believe I am struggling with this again.
So frustrated, angry, upset, lost, and feeling alone in the battle even though people are very supportive and sympathetic to the situation.
This could all be over very very soon, and I hope hope hope that it is. But that is how I feel today. I am super thankful for the people that are fighting for me. And there are people on my side. And they are working hard and are stressed out for me... so for them... I am truly grateful. May their efforts not be in vain.
May this come to a swift and favorable conclusion.
Long ranting and definitely not uplifting post. But I needed to write it down... I'm not even going to read it, I don't think it even makes sense. I don't care right now.
So I had some good conversations with colleagues today. Well. I don't know if good is the perfect word... but they were... um... I don't have the right word, so we'll stick with good.
We were discussing my future.
This happens A LOT.
Every spring for the last 5 years this has happened. It never gets easier. In fact I'm pretty sure it gets harder. The uncertainty is hard for me. Not knowing is hard. The 'what ifs' are hard. I know there are far worse afflictions to have in this world, but this one is big in my world. Quite big in fact.
There were interesting things said... and other people summed it up best: When this sort of thing happens it makes you feel: pushed around, worthless, less than you are, unsure of yourself, un/undervalued..... etc. (yep. that sums it up pretty good). ALSO.
In another conversation. A REALLY good point:
Referring to being shuffled around, etc.:
There comes a point where it is all about conformity. The real and true Heather is lost, because of pressure to be someone that she isn't (yes, I was in the room when she was saying this... like this... I like the way she talks... haha), being in places where it is not truly her, or about her, or the 'best' place for her. Walls go up. Heather is backed against a wall, and at some point she gives up. And is lost. We do not want this to happen. Who is the real Heather? Its hard to know, because she doesn't stay in one place long enough to build those quality relationships, and doesn't want to build them because she is leaving, it is more difficult to see the strengths... because of the constant adjustment....
These people said many true and important things.
I can't believe I am struggling with this again.
So frustrated, angry, upset, lost, and feeling alone in the battle even though people are very supportive and sympathetic to the situation.
This could all be over very very soon, and I hope hope hope that it is. But that is how I feel today. I am super thankful for the people that are fighting for me. And there are people on my side. And they are working hard and are stressed out for me... so for them... I am truly grateful. May their efforts not be in vain.
May this come to a swift and favorable conclusion.
Long ranting and definitely not uplifting post. But I needed to write it down... I'm not even going to read it, I don't think it even makes sense. I don't care right now.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
this life.
To blog or not to blog. This is the question.
On Haiti. Everyone is blogging about Haiti. Everyone is giving to Haiti. Everyone is thinking about this often forgotten about country. I had the opportunity to visit Haiti a number of years ago. We were there for just two weeks. It was long enough to know that Haiti was and is a country in distress. It was in distress before an earthquake. It was the poorest, dirtiest, most culture-shocking place that I have visited. It was oppressive. It was eye-opening. It changed my perspective on the world. It changed how I felt about this life. There was a lot going on when I was there. It was the last place I wanted to be. A friend back home had died in a car accident just before we entered the country. I wanted to be at home. Haiti was not a place for grief. Haiti changed my life. I can't imagine this country in the chaos that it is in. My prayer is that all the help and money that is being raised around the world, will be channeled with wisdom, and that Haiti will truly receive the help that it needs... and perhaps has always needed.
Events like this make me think about my own life. It is pretty insignificant in light of natural disasters. I live a very safe life. In a bubble that I yearn to break out of but struggle with how I can, what the best way for me to do that is. I believe I am where I am supposed to be. Yet I struggle with where I am. It is a complete and total contradiction of belief and feeling.
I am very very lucky.
I am very very blessed.
Sometimes I need a serious wake up call to realize these two facts.
And stop worrying about the stuff that I 'don't have' that I want in this life.
Faith for today.
Hope for tomorrow.
H.
On Haiti. Everyone is blogging about Haiti. Everyone is giving to Haiti. Everyone is thinking about this often forgotten about country. I had the opportunity to visit Haiti a number of years ago. We were there for just two weeks. It was long enough to know that Haiti was and is a country in distress. It was in distress before an earthquake. It was the poorest, dirtiest, most culture-shocking place that I have visited. It was oppressive. It was eye-opening. It changed my perspective on the world. It changed how I felt about this life. There was a lot going on when I was there. It was the last place I wanted to be. A friend back home had died in a car accident just before we entered the country. I wanted to be at home. Haiti was not a place for grief. Haiti changed my life. I can't imagine this country in the chaos that it is in. My prayer is that all the help and money that is being raised around the world, will be channeled with wisdom, and that Haiti will truly receive the help that it needs... and perhaps has always needed.
Events like this make me think about my own life. It is pretty insignificant in light of natural disasters. I live a very safe life. In a bubble that I yearn to break out of but struggle with how I can, what the best way for me to do that is. I believe I am where I am supposed to be. Yet I struggle with where I am. It is a complete and total contradiction of belief and feeling.
I am very very lucky.
I am very very blessed.
Sometimes I need a serious wake up call to realize these two facts.
And stop worrying about the stuff that I 'don't have' that I want in this life.
Faith for today.
Hope for tomorrow.
H.
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