Time for a LIST! It has been a while....

1. Today December 22, 3 days till Christmas
2. I'm feeling less 'Christmased Out' than usual after the craziness of school
3. Work is ok. I don't really want to talk about work. So it only gets #3. Its fine.
4. Little monkey niece turned 3... she is amazing.
5. I have baked three different types of Christmas cookies so far and am not sure if anyone will eat them.
6. I spent most of today watching fairly boring daytime television.
7. Despite some boredom the 'holidays' so far have been good, this has been the first dull day.
8. I think these 2 weeks are going to go really really fast...
9. I just went for a walk in the snow with the frosty trees at night. It was beautiful
10. I get overly nostalgic around the holidays.
11. I wonder often what my life would be like IF....
12. The future still scares me. I'd like it to be a good fear.
13. In general I like my life.
14. Despite this I struggle with happiness.
15. There are many things that I want that I fear I will not get and I need to learn to be ok with this.
16. I have plans for change in the 'New Year' not resolutions... but decisions, they have already been made and have been started.
17. I am indecisive to a fault. I annoy myself with this trait.
18. It causes me to miss out on fun things.
19. Relationships change. They just do.
20. I try to stay in the moment, I often get stuck in the past, or get caught up thinking about the future. Inner struggle for sure.
21. My faith is important to me.
22. Church is a painful struggle for me. I don't see this getting easier quickly or painlessly.
23. Despite this I believe in Jesus... and yearn for just a glimpse of His glory.
24. It is truly by GRACE, and that is the heaviest word I know. It wells up my heart.
25. I don't know what I want for Christmas.... and that annoys people that want to buy me something... haha...
26. My apartment feels really small.
27. Always looking for a house.
28. Getting closer all the time... (at least in my head)
29. I am truly thankful for the people and things that I have in this life
30. I hope i never take these things for granted. Though I fear I probably do.
31. Already to 31... woohoo
32. I wish GRACE and PEACE for all this season.
33. He had a different kind of birth.
34. He had a different kind of kingdom.
35. He wore a different kind of crown.
36. He was a different kind of King.
37. May He reign in our hearts.
38. Merry Christmas.

The lost post annoyance....

I could have sworn I wrote a long an eloquent post at some point this fall... in fact I know I did, I guess I didn't publish it cause its not here and I'm annoyed by this... it was about church and my journey with it. I wanted to read it again. It held a lot of truth. But I guess its gone. I don't know. And I don't want to write it again. Not right now anyway.

Christmas Already?

Wow I can't believe the last time I posted was summer... thats craziness....
This fall has gone by really quickly. It has been busy. It has had its ups and downs. It has been a difficult transition to the new job. Yes it is going ok. I feel very torn on building relationships though. It was so difficult to leave my last job, because I invested in people and built relationships with people, and I loved my job... then I was ripped from it... and it hurt. So on some level I feel like if I don't build really strong friendships here that would be ok because I have to leave and that might make leaving easier??? Bizarre world inside my head. It is already going to be hard to leave, and I try not to dwell on that fact, though I wonder where I'm going to end up next year. I hope I get to go somewhere to stay... and that I like it... oi.... this thinking about the what-ifs of the future is getting old.

Otherwise. Life. Hmm. No I haven't found a church. Yes. My relationships with friends have changed. Yes. Relationships within my family have changed. It all just seems so out of my control. There is nothing I can do about any of it and it is hard to stay positive sometimes.

Trying to choose joy.

New post soon.... like really soon.....

Summer 2009

Is almost over :(
Nothing big or too exciting but it has been a good time overall I guess. I like the relaxing, doing different things and whatever I want. I love that I get summers off. It is one of the greatest things. I've stayed close to home this summer, just a couple little camping outings and the city... though I'd love to travel further... maybe next summer... ugh... thats a long way off. I like to think that 'if I only could... then...' but thats a dumb way to think. I'll still be me no matter where I am. Though a little change of scenery would be nice from time to time.

Work starts again soon, I suppose in some ways it has, I think about it alot and I've been to my classroom starting to get organized... I'm still not 'pumped' for the new year, but I'm hopeful. Or trying to be. So that has to count. I miss my old school and people already, and its going to be strange not to see all my old students on the first day. I think I may actually miss them too.... crazy to think.

Anyway, random non-interesting post.... guess I'm not feelin too insightful today... maybe another day soon. I'll try not to wait 2 months...

Truth.

The truth is. No.

I feel as if I've never been so lost.

So no. The answer is no.

H.

change

So I would have to say that I am not a fan of change. I mean, maybe its more of a love/hate relationship. I like new challeges, fun experiences, new things... but at the same time change is difficult and its hard to see past the here and now. I am in the process of change. Its just a job change, but its enough. I'm emotional about it, more than I should be probably, in many ways its just a job. But in many other ways what I do is so much more than a job. There is time and effort invested in lives and relationships and to have to leave that and start over, over and over again is frustrating, and in many ways exhausting. Its hard to keep investing in new people and places instead of building on current ones... the thought of starting over again right now makes me tired. I need a fresh perspective. I need to embrace this change. I need to look forward. I need to not dwell on what has happened but move on. Its not easy. There is no closure.

Change can be difficult, I'm trying to think of it as exciting and new.

Cheers to starting over.... again. (at least in the job sense...)
Cheers to summer.... hurray for holidays!

H.

get lost.

Sometimes you have to get lost to find yourself.... ok so I heard it on a commercial tonight... I think it was an ad to go to Australia and get lost or something. But none the less it got me thinking.... I just wrote it all out and deleted it.... cause thats how I feel right now.

good friday

It is a good Friday... and it means so much more than a day off of work. I will count my blessings.
1. A God that loves me, despite wavering faith.
2. Forgiveness.
3. A family that is supportive.
4. Friends near and far, those that I see regularly, those that I communicate with often, those that come and go, those that have come and gone, they have all helped shape me into the person that I am.
5. A comfortable home.
6. A semi-stable for now job that I enjoy.
7. Helpful co-workers.
8. The ability to be a blessing to others.
9. Living in a safe and quiet community.
10. A beautiful niece... who deserves the world.
11. Students who are truly fun.
12. The ability to live comfortably and pay the rent without worry.
13. People who inspire me.
14. People who care, even those who are strangers.
15. Conviction to become a better person.
16. Hope for the future.
17. Thankfulness for the present.
18. A past that has shaped me.
19. My past travels and experiences.
20. Amazing, amazing, amazing, Grace.

circles

I want to be myself.
I don't know who that is.
I've always been a fairly reflective person, I can look back and analyze what has happened in my life, see what I learned from it, how it made me better or worse, and evaluate how it maybe could have been done differently. I've been stuck for some time. It is time to move forward. But how?
I'm stressed about the job hunt season... I pray for all to go well... I know what I want, and I'd like to know how it is all going to turn out.

days go by....

It has been a while between posts again... nothing out of the ordinary I guess. Here's what's goin on...
1. I am looking forward to Spring Break, if for no other reason than it will be Spring Break. I'm ready for a bit of a break, I'm feeling complacent in my work and it is time for refreshing...
2. I am very excited about 2 upcoming weddings...ok they are both not until May, but I am super happy for the couples and it should be a fun couple of weekends.
3. My job changes after Spring Break and I'm excited for that as well. It basically just changes in that I will be working a bit less, with the same group of kidlets. Some days I'm done 'teaching' at 1:30 and most days I'm done at 3:00... what will I do with all my free time??? lol....
4. With spring perhaps maybe on the way I'm excited to have a bit more free time, especially once the weather is nice.
5. I'm still hoping for a full time permanent position for next year and really really hoping that that will happen for me this time around.... please?? It would just be nice to not have to worry about it anymore...
6. I want to buy a bicycle for when it gets nice out...
7. I'm enjoying getting out and walking when the weather is nice, its more barable (I don't think I can spell that word) than forcing myself to go to the gym.
8. Today was boring... and is still boring...
9. Time seems to be going slowly right now... I'm not really sure why...
10. Time for a change of pace...

for the love of lists

Ya... stolen from the facebook phenomenon.... whatev... now its also a blog entry.

Once you've been tagged, you're supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits or goals about yourself. At the end, choose people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you it's because I want to know more about you.

OK OK... this one is really making the rounds! I'm not taggin anyone.... so there crazy tags....

1. Winter sucks. I don't like the snow. I don't like the cold. I don't like winter. I live in the wrong province... or perhaps country.

2. I worry too much. About absurd things.

3. I like my job. Even on a bad day I can step back and say that I like what I do... despite complaining, being annoyed, and the challenges it entails.

4. I have been to South Africa, London, Haiti, Dominican Republic, Mexico, Jamaica, and a number of American States... this is not enough places in my opinion!... I have lots of places that I would like to visit, on the shortlist are Mexico (again), more of Europe, Greece in particular, AFRICA over and over again, Australia and New Zealand, Central and South America.... pretty much everywhere... yup... I'd like to go on some trips! (though I haven't travelled in a long time... and mostly just think about it... I'm all talk)

5. I went to school in Denver for a while.... it was amazing. Loved it.

6. I have 2 degrees. BGS. BEd.... this makes me smart enough to teach apparently.

7. I love being sarcastic. And I love it when people GET sarcasm.

8. I have some "favorite places in the world" (so far) listed in my head. Top 2 are THE VALLEY, and a particular farm in SA. I hope to add some more to my list.... eventually.

9. I like to cook, I love cookbooks. I'm a rachelray fan.

10. My favorite color is orange... with red coming in at a close second... though I would rarely if ever wear either of these colors.

11. Shoes are awesome. I love shopping for them in particular and will pretty much buy any pair I like within reason.... but they have to be comfy.

12. I can be shy in some situations... but I don't like being shy.

13. People see me as a quiet person...even though I don't really think that I am all that quiet most of the time.

14. I like to think before I talk. When I say something it usually matters. (see #13) I think more people should practice thinking before speaking sometimes. (pet peeve I guess)

15. I've had pretty much the same hairstyle for the last 15 years or more.... I think thats kinda sad....

16. I have diverse groups of friends... they come from different worlds and views... it would be weird to have them all together in the same place... maybe... maybe thats just what I think... perhaps they would get along great!

17. I live by myself. And I like it that way. Most of the time.

18. I am the most indecisive person that I know. I suck at making decisions big or small... except maybe shoes...

19. I'm a fan of TV... in particular Greys, Survivor, and usually House. Thursday nights are made for TV.

20. I don't particularly like calling people on the phone, but I like when people call me. I'm a little weird that way.

21. I'm not sure I'd enjoy living in a city... I kinda like the small town. I can't imagine having to get up every morning and drive in traffic or take a bus.

22. I like driving around for no apparent reason.

23. I have an elephant collection that started when I was a kid. I think I have pretty much enough. Don't buy me elephants unless you buy me a bigger house first... haha. But there are some really nice ones....

24. I wish I knew the future. I wish I could fast-forward and see whats going to happen.... or maybe I could change it if I don't like it.

25. 25 is a long list! Runnin out of stuff to talk about....

one unfinished journey

So its now about mid-January... too late to talk about 'the new year' and I don't really like the idea of resolutions anyway. I've made a decision or two... but nothing serious or worth blogging about. Its freakin cold outside... I don't like winter, I'm going to stop saying stuff like that. I choose to live here. I need to just suck it up and deal with it. I'm thinking this post is going to be a bit of a reflection on my journey with the instition that is called Church. My experiences and frustrations. I'll try to make it a list. So here it goes.
1. My very first experiences with church were as a kid. It was mostly about the Sunday School, it was a small country church and was kinda unique. I liked that I would go to a friend's or my friend would come over after church and we would cook lunch and totally destroy our mother's kitchens. Oh and the Christmas concert gong show was always exciting (I didn't know it was a gong show then.... but looking back.... yes.... gong show hahahah....) good memories for the most part.
2. That church closed, we went to a church in town for a while, then stopped going to church as a family altogether. I never learned how to become a christian or live as a christian at either of these churches. Interesting.
3. Other experiences sparked my interest in God. But no ride to church till I could drive and didn't know where to go. Was invited to a youth group... at a church that would become my 'home church' for a number of years. I remember being freaked out at first in this church... but it became natural. It was exciting and real and I loved it. I was in church 3 times a week, Sundays Wednesdays and Fridays plus special services, it was like a home. I was comfortable there, there was always something going on and I could get involved and have fun. I loved the pastors and youth pastors, I loved my friends there. Looking back. It was so good.
4. This changed when I went away for the second time. While I was out of the country 'serving God' being totally devoted to Him and His work and learning and growing and passionate a friend was killed in a car accident. This somehow changed everything. I came back to changed people. Changed friends. Changed me. and my time at this church slowly fell away. Because I let it I suppose. I moved away for university and my visits became fewer and further between, my summers were at camp... where there was no room for Sundays or Wednesdays as much as I tried to be involved when I was home, it just never worked. So that was that.
5. There was very little church involvement while away at school. Tried a couple. Stuck with one fairly faithfully and even got involved a bit one year. It was good. Met some good people.
6. Another change everything moment somehow occured one summer.... I don't know what it was exactly. But I was done with everything. After that summer I tried to go back to my 'university church' I could hardly sit in a pew. I wanted to run screaming from the building. It was so hard to sit through a service. It was painful. Its hard to describe. I couldn't breathe there. I felt attacked. I wasn't sure what to do with this... so I did very little. I knew it wasn't right. I knew healing needed to happen. I didn't have the energy to work through it. I fought it. and fought it. and fought it. For years.
7. Then I found a safe haven. A place for healing. and I had to force myself there some days. But I went. It was real. It was hard. God met me there. I was learning again. Growing again. Accepting this free 'healing'
8. Somehow this fell away as well. But not in a bad way. That time there was a season. I wouldn't mind if that season returned, but if it dosn't thats ok too. I'm ok with it either way. I'm just so thankful it was there. And I was open to that season.
9. So what now? Searching. Within myself so far more than out in the world. For the type of place I need to be. I should probably just go somewhere in between the wrong place and the right place so at least I am somewhere on the path.... we'll see. Starting somewhere new is weird for me. I don't like being the 'new' person... so I need a big place where I could maybe just blend in for now. It'll happen. I think perhaps I put too much thought into this entire process. Yes. I most definitly do. But whatever. When it comes to stuff like this thats how it seems to be with me.
10. This post is more detailed and in depth that usual. I bigger glimpse at me I suppose. I'm at ten, thank goodness.

Happy Cold January!!! haha....