tis the season....

A pre-Christmas pre-New Year rant in the life of H. Ah, what the heck... lets make it a list!!!
1. On holidays for the next 2 weeks!! Yeah!! I like my job but it is busy and loud and stressful. I often wonder what it would be like to go to work and spend my day doing paperwork in front of a computer screen.... it would be sooooooo different from what I experience everyday right now, where my world revolves around the moods, actions, and learnings, of very unpredictable tweens.... it is a crazy world they live in thats for sure. They never cease to amaze me.
2. Christmas is in a few days, I feel Christmased out from all the 'fun' at work, so its good that I have a few days to get back in the 'spirit'.
3. Living in town is good. Still a little weird. Very quiet and I feel more 'out of the loop' than ever. But it is more convenient and nice to be home in 10 minutes as opposed to 30.
4. I like my space and different sense of independence that I have re-gained in this move.
5. I don't like doing dishes and I think that dishwashers should be standard equipment in every home.... I'm thinking my next house will need one!!!
6. Family happenings are awkward and I don't know what to think.... I don't understand it.
7. I feel change is imminent, though I don't know how or when...
8. I spend too much time by myself now that I live by myself... its weird. Is it possible to have too much 'me time?'
9. I'm running out of things to say so I'm glad I'm on number 9!!
10. The future looms in front of me, with continual uncertainties. I have many hopes for my uncertain future, and wish I could peek ahead to see if any will happen, though I suppose that might spoil the journey.

Thats all for now, I'm sure a 'New Year's' post will come along shortly.

Wishing everyone Peace and Joy this Christmas Season. May your hearts be full.

quick update

After my little rant on the last post I thought I would update that I recently got in touch with a 'long lost' friend. SO FUN. I've tried to find her on a few occasions but alas the internet was no help and the fact that she got married and changed her name may not have helped. BUT. She was doing the same thing and actually found me about a year ago somewhere with my name on a school newsletter or something (weird) and recently on FACEBOOK. As annoying as it may be I'm fairly addicted and wouldn't be in touch with so many friends from all over the place without it....
Yup. I like facebook. It has been super exciting to catch up with this person... and though she lives somewhere in Alaska... we are once again 'in touch' 10 or so years later. LOVE IT.
Kay thats it for now.
I'm ready for Christmas holidays.... like now.
Laterz.

i miss....

I've been thinkin lately, and perhaps dwelling a bit too much on things past... but I miss my friends. Sounds weird. Not the friends I see all the time obviously. I miss the friendships that were made in the past and have fallen away, childhood friends, and probably even stronger YWAM and Camp friends (just to categorize)... these were such incredible times and so much fun...there has never been another time in my life where I have had friends to lean on, learn from, and just have fun with. I think perhaps there is just not enough fun in my life right now. Working and doing 'normal' things is not all its cracked up to be all the time. I think the YWAM saying 'ruined for the ordinary' is very very true. Since then... I have not been the same, have not seen the world the same way, and not viewed my life in the same way, yet I try to conform to what is 'normal'... all the while longing for something more. Things change. I get it. It is normal for friendships to evolve and change... but its a little sad too... too bad I can't go back in time and visit...
What is it to be content?
I'm not sure.
Are we meant to be??
I dunno.
Thats what I miss....

things unsaid

Here I am again. Yes, long time between posts.... and this is gonna be short and sweet. Since July.......
1. Back at work, as if we never left. Its stressful... and not always fun... but sometimes fun.
2. September is over... THANK GOODNESS... not that things slow down at all its just nice when September is over.
3. I've watched a friend in pain, experiencing great loss. There is nothing quite like this.
4. I've seen family in pain and experiencing another type of loss... and I hurt for them and the situation.
5. My neice can say 'Aunty Heather' (sort of) She continues to be a joy and blessing to our family.... Love her to bits... there is nothing better.
6. I have purchased a new bed!! and it has been moved to my apartment, the first piece of furniture there!
7. Thats right folks, it is finally happening.... moving to town. A little crazy and I will miss this place when I am gone even though I know that this is the right path for me right now, I will miss this place and I'm a little sad to leave, though I'm not going far my lifestyle will change a bit, and I'll miss being close to family and seeing them all the time.
8. My new place is little. Especially the bedroom and will take a little planning to get everything in there that I would like to have in there in a nice way... good to have a challenge.
9. Change can be difficult... and mine is nothing compared to what some are going through around me... so I should shut up and be happy and enjoy the ride.
10. Its about time I made another list that went all the way to 10.

Thats the update for now. I'm both happy and sad. Content and discouraged. There is a barrage of feelings... I'm trusting that all will be ok.

Sanctus Real - Whatever You're Doing
Album: We Need Each Other

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out



Chaos but somehow there's peace... or I hope there will be.

get real

I am struck and compelled today to write. I cannot even express the amount of joy, almost exhileration... at finally putting some sort of a picture on what this God Journey is for me... and it all happened in a 5 minute conversation. I'm definitely not talking about a huge awakening moment where I am changed forever. It is more of relief. A huge weight off my shoulders... or at least the weight has become more balanced, it seems easier right now in THIS moment. I thought I was alone in my thinking, in how I felt, in how I am still feeling (I use the word feeling alot... its not that I base everything on feelings, feelings change, I just find its the best suited word right now). In this conversation we discussed grace, openness, and freedom. And I finally saw, or put words to the 'feeling'.... in a place where you would expect great freedom, that freedom is stifled, snuffed out, and covered up by sunshine and roses, false fronts. Nobody talks about what its really like. Nobody struggles. Everybody does good, does the 'right thing' and just keeps going. In a place that should be community and openess, and support for each other, there is only surface talk, surface relationship, most (not all) of it seems pretend.

Apparently there are places that exist, where there is shared passion, shared yearning, there is openess in stuggle, and there is grace. I don't know where to find this place... but I hope that one day I will. I doubt its existence here in this part of the world.

I hate fakeness.

Why can't people just be real with each other? What are we so afraid of??? (coming from someone who fears everything).... seriously. What? Isn't that what this journey is about? Why do we have to do it alone? I KNOW I KNOW.... we're all a body of believers....BLAH....its crap if its all fake. I desire truth. I'm not seeking an easy journey though that would be nice, just honesty.... without judgement.

I'm relieved, I'm not alone, I'm not the only one who sees this, it only took a virtual stranger and 4 years of searching for a way to sort of organize my thoughts and that gives me great joy for the moment. I am also angry and frustrated, because I don't see a way out. If this is how it is... is it worth it?

It's a ramble. There are more posts to come, a little more focussed perhaps, but a journal just wasn't enought right now. I needed to read my thoughts here. My thinking may be full of mistakes, or weird angles, and somewhat mixed up.... but who isn't? All believers are on a journey.... and its not all sunshine and roses.... I just don't know why people glaze over whats really going on.

Random thought I don't want to forget:
It's not about climbing your way out of the hole you are in, clawing, and clamouring to get out, expending all energy, it dosn't have to be a long hard journey back, step outside of it and walk forward.

Lets get real.

fearless

This is what I aim to be. Fear sucks. I mean seriously, makes me angry. It holds me back from things that I want to do. I don't mean shaking in my boots, running and hiding fear... I mean erring too far on the side of caution, fear of what others are thinking, fear that holds me back from life.

I wonder how many people are truly happy with their lives. I know I am no where near where I thought that I might be, my life has made twists and turns along the way to bring me to where I am now. Its not necessarily a bad thing, but dwelling on the matter dosn't bring me great joy thats for sure. I think this is part of where the fear comes from. I fear the unknown, and the twists and turns, if I don't know where they are leading (and obviously nobody does) I am hesitant to move forward, and that sucks. and I hate it. and it makes me stuck. and I need to get unstuck, and thats what I need to work on.

I never used to be like this, and its strange to think of the person that I am now, and perhaps my own perspective is different from that of outsiders, but mine is the only perspective I have so I have to go with it. I didn't fear the unknown to the extent that I do now. I used to get up and go for things, and didn't overthink every little thing like I do now. Whatever. I'm strange. I get it. Whatever.

This is a weird post. .... once again I wonder why I blog.... I don't speak it out loud... so I may as well write it down for the world (or at least a few people - including myself) to see.

the first day

Today was the first day of my '30th year on the planet' (or maybe second if you count my actual birthday yesterday) I have officially started my last year in my 20's. It is completely hard to believe. I don't even want to reflect at the moment on what the past years have brought me to. Perhaps I'll save that reflection for the big 3-0, scary. People tend to ask (well my grandma anyway) 'do you feel older??'... and I think actually this time I do, mostly because there is so much more I want from this life and I don't know how to make it all happen but I need to somehow trust that it will... somehow... I wish I knew. So a new number has not changed my fuzzy outlook on life... maybe with a few more days.... older and wiser... (one can hope).

I will learn from my past, allow wounds to heal, let the scars remind me of where I have come, but not dwell on what is behind me. I will look to the future with expectation and hope.

Here's to a good year in the story of H.

when moving forward feels like moving back

Once again... months have past. I suck at blogging. In the past couple of months I have:
1) Made it through winter
2) The snow has melted
3) Spring break came and went uneventfully
4) I accepted a term position teaching grade 6 for *most* of next year
5) May long came and went uneventfully
6) Tried to make summer plans but have not gotten anywhere
7) Have been frustrated with the direction things seem to be going
8) Been confused about the future.... but content not to linger on the unknown for too long
9) Continued to consider what I really do want and where I truly want to be
10) Continued my compulsion for completing a list all the way to 10

On the job front... I am employed until next April. This is both good and bad. There are a lot of frustrations in this... in the whole job-getting process and all the politics involved in it. I'm tired of it. But I'm stuck in it. I better come up with a good plan for next spring so I have something to look forward too instead of just the continued look for a permanent position.

On the summer front... I'm really glad that it is almost here!!! I don't know what I'll be doing yet but I do plan to take a large chunk of the time off and hopefully get a few small trips in or camping or something.... we'll see.

All for now.

I will sincerely try to write before 3 months comes and goes.... why do I blog??? Weird.

a post on posting

So I try to post about once a month, if nothing else than just to say that I have a very uninteresting blog space for people to pass by quickly. Those who know me may pause a bit longer just to see if I have anything interesting or new to say. I tend to repeat myself a lot as my struggles remain the same and I continue to be stuck in the same rut as always and have done nothing to get out of this rut, and yes I know it is most likely (ok it is) my fault. So what.
On that note. No. Nothing has changed. It is very much winter outside and I`m getting tired of it being winter. I would like the snow to melt and to be able to get out more. Warmer weather and better roads help with that. I also prefer when the kids can go out for recess. This helps my life seem less crazy at work. And some days a little bit quieter :)... a teacher can dream.
I know that spring will come, it always does, but I wouldn`t mind if it started a little early this year. It was actually warm today, it got up to the freezing mark, but tomorrow will be a different story. Winter is not over yet. Unfortunately.
Well, you know for sure that I have nothing to talk about if I can spend an entire paragraph on the weather. I think I need to stop now. I hope somewhere out there someone is having a little extra fun for me tonight.

new year

So, it is another new year, though I very much don't feel that January is the best time to start a new year. For me, the new year begins in September, that is when school starts, thats when there are changes a brewing. Though I suppose change can happen at any time. Still. January is not my start to a new year. The calendar sort of wins on this one however and I guess it is 2008. Whether I like it or not. The holidays were good. Nothing really out of the ordinary or exciting but good. I stayed home, we did all the normal family things and that was that. I should have taken a warm vacation for the second week.... that would have been a good idea... maybe next year. Now it is back to work again. This week was a bit of a shock to the system, it is so busy at work, and with 2 weeks off I had a chance to forget about the stress... I was very quickly reminded however. There are constant challenges in my profession and I'm sure that it does or will get easier with more experience... there is no way to jump through some special hoop that will make me experienced... I just have to pay my dues and keep working at it. There always seems like there is so much to do and so little time. I often wonder what it would be like to have a more 'normal' 9 to 5 job where you can just show up, work, and go home, and not carry planning, marking, and to do lists in your brain all the time. Maybe these jobs don't really exist, but in my mind they definitly do, and some days a job like that would be nice. In the end I still enjoy my work and my chosen profession and can't wait till it gets easier... and somewhat more manageable time wise. 50 hour weeks are long. I know there are people out there who work far more... but for me... 50 hour weeks are long. In general there is not much more in my life besides work, and most days I don't feel like there is time for much more, but then there are days that I long for more. I suppose there is a need to find a balance between the two. I know I could handle more. I know that I would benefit from more.

Yes. I'm still living at home. I will buy a house this spring or summer. I think this is my final and best decision. I have a down payment ready... so now I just bide my time... and hope for the job... without the permanent job I will probably rent. I just have to make it through the winter driving over the next few months... yikes... I hate the driving from the sticks... but I've done it before and I can do it again, I just won't enjoy it too much.

I once again feel like I am churchless. This is a complicated issue in my life that I am tired of dealing with.... I need to suck it up.

So here's to a new year. I'm believing for a good one. My best one.

Looking Forward.
H.