ok

OK, so this blog thing tends to turn into a rant about life in general and nothing too specific. I think this is just how my mind works... my brain moves quickly and I can't seem to say what I want to say in a way that makes sense and how others can percieve it correctly... especially when speaking... at least when I write it out it has half a chance because I can try... and sometimes fail... to say what I want to say.

So. Update. I am officially a not very busy substitute teacher. This is not a lifelong career choice for me that's for sure. Granted it is easy, and relatively stress free... and I like the 'no homework' part of it. But I really miss having my own class, and having a group of students to care about every day. There are some terrible classes (especially in high school... no offence to any high school agers out there... I like you as people... I'm just not so much into teaching high school classes... though it may be different if I were there full time) ANYWAY. At least I know that I don't want to be a high school teacher. Its good to learn such things. Work is work. And I'm waiting for some mat leaves to start so I can apply for some more jobs... time will tell where this year will lead.

So. I went to church last week. Actually it has been two consecutive weeks in a row (It has been probably a couple years since that has happened). Its been good. Its a bit of a drive as I chose to go out of the local communities, but its good. I feel ok there. And I can sneak in and out fairly quietly if I want to. I've had a love/hate relationship with the concept and all the extras and socialness (not a word... so what) of church. I've decided that it is not church that I want. It is God that I want. Simple. I don't necessarily want all the drama and relationships and pressure to fit some mold that dosn't really exist but people expect. I want simple. It has been that way all along. But I'm trying to define what that means to me, and how that looks and what it really involves. Perhaps I'm way off base in all my thinking (call me on it if you want). Its been a strange winding and bumpy road. I feel like it has been an uphill battle for some time, its my own fault... human as I am.... doubting as I am... I'm ok with it, its my journey, and I suppose really the only person that needs to understand it is me. I'm not yet where I should be, but perhaps I might get back on track, I've been a little lost in the woods... I need some Christmas lights on the trail. Healing takes time, but I'm choosing to be proactive in it, and try to make some positive changes that hopefully will lead to good things. I'm a different person than I once was, and I think that's ok too, though some days I struggle with the change and wonder what happened. Sometimes scars are permanent. I'm hoping to come out stronger on the other side. I definitly feel like the only person in the world who struggles with this, though in my head I know I'm not (but how come no one ever talks about the hard stuff of faith???? Why is it always sunshine and rainbows and just look to God and everything will be great???.......AHHHHHHHHHH.) Life happens. God is always good. But life still happens.

Here I am. Spilling all this nonsense online (at least its an optional read right??). Here I am. Ok.