disappointment and distraction

The end of the summer is once again coming. Or the end of August I guess and that to me is sort of the end of summer. It has gone quickly. It has been ok. Not great, but ok. I find myself once again still unemployed, this is a source of great disappointment for me. I don't understand what it has to be this way. I don't know where I am supposed to be and I feel as if I am not where I am meant to be in this world at this time. It is very frustrating and I don't know how to change it but to keep going and to try and make the best of a yucky situation.

I have been greatly encouraged and lifted by distraction as of late. I find my home consuming and drowning. It is very difficult for me to be here so I welcome the opportunity to leave for periods of time. I am frustrated by the fact that I can't seem to handle more than a few days of intense activities of other kinds however. My inner 'demons' seem to be winning some days and it is incredibly scary for me to face this reality. I thought this was a thing of the past, apparently it is not, though it is not the same as the past, it is real, it is frustrating, infuriating, and consuming. I have only in the past couple of days truly realized the magnitude of what I am experiencing. But perhaps by accepting it I can begin to overcome. I was free once before, I need desperately to be free again, I don't know how I can do this everyday. I need healing in my life, thank goodness I believe in a God that has already overcome, that has already healed... Facing this God is not easy. I get angry so quickly, I don't truly understand but I do my best to push through it because I know this 'anger' I feel when it is only me and God is not from Him. If anyone actually reads this (and I'm ok with the fact that no one really does... cause its good just to write it)... but if you do... pray. Cause I'm tired of fighting this on my own.

So I continue to look for distraction. My previous distraction was a bit of a healing experience, it was very very good, God is good, I wish that is could have continued but perhaps it is not about the physical 'place'. Tomorrow I leave for a few more days of distraction in a different place, where many people know me, and I in many ways am not looking forward to that part of it, the expectations, and views of who I am. I don't know what will come of it, no expectations helps because I am less disappointed in the end.

So I continue in search of direction for my life. I hope it is not a series of distractions. I need to move on, away from disappointment, and to something bigger than distraction.

Searching for Peace. Please let it come.