So its now about mid-January... too late to talk about 'the new year' and I don't really like the idea of resolutions anyway. I've made a decision or two... but nothing serious or worth blogging about. Its freakin cold outside... I don't like winter, I'm going to stop saying stuff like that. I choose to live here. I need to just suck it up and deal with it. I'm thinking this post is going to be a bit of a reflection on my journey with the instition that is called Church. My experiences and frustrations. I'll try to make it a list. So here it goes.
1. My very first experiences with church were as a kid. It was mostly about the Sunday School, it was a small country church and was kinda unique. I liked that I would go to a friend's or my friend would come over after church and we would cook lunch and totally destroy our mother's kitchens. Oh and the Christmas concert gong show was always exciting (I didn't know it was a gong show then.... but looking back.... yes.... gong show hahahah....) good memories for the most part.
2. That church closed, we went to a church in town for a while, then stopped going to church as a family altogether. I never learned how to become a christian or live as a christian at either of these churches. Interesting.
3. Other experiences sparked my interest in God. But no ride to church till I could drive and didn't know where to go. Was invited to a youth group... at a church that would become my 'home church' for a number of years. I remember being freaked out at first in this church... but it became natural. It was exciting and real and I loved it. I was in church 3 times a week, Sundays Wednesdays and Fridays plus special services, it was like a home. I was comfortable there, there was always something going on and I could get involved and have fun. I loved the pastors and youth pastors, I loved my friends there. Looking back. It was so good.
4. This changed when I went away for the second time. While I was out of the country 'serving God' being totally devoted to Him and His work and learning and growing and passionate a friend was killed in a car accident. This somehow changed everything. I came back to changed people. Changed friends. Changed me. and my time at this church slowly fell away. Because I let it I suppose. I moved away for university and my visits became fewer and further between, my summers were at camp... where there was no room for Sundays or Wednesdays as much as I tried to be involved when I was home, it just never worked. So that was that.
5. There was very little church involvement while away at school. Tried a couple. Stuck with one fairly faithfully and even got involved a bit one year. It was good. Met some good people.
6. Another change everything moment somehow occured one summer.... I don't know what it was exactly. But I was done with everything. After that summer I tried to go back to my 'university church' I could hardly sit in a pew. I wanted to run screaming from the building. It was so hard to sit through a service. It was painful. Its hard to describe. I couldn't breathe there. I felt attacked. I wasn't sure what to do with this... so I did very little. I knew it wasn't right. I knew healing needed to happen. I didn't have the energy to work through it. I fought it. and fought it. and fought it. For years.
7. Then I found a safe haven. A place for healing. and I had to force myself there some days. But I went. It was real. It was hard. God met me there. I was learning again. Growing again. Accepting this free 'healing'
8. Somehow this fell away as well. But not in a bad way. That time there was a season. I wouldn't mind if that season returned, but if it dosn't thats ok too. I'm ok with it either way. I'm just so thankful it was there. And I was open to that season.
9. So what now? Searching. Within myself so far more than out in the world. For the type of place I need to be. I should probably just go somewhere in between the wrong place and the right place so at least I am somewhere on the path.... we'll see. Starting somewhere new is weird for me. I don't like being the 'new' person... so I need a big place where I could maybe just blend in for now. It'll happen. I think perhaps I put too much thought into this entire process. Yes. I most definitly do. But whatever. When it comes to stuff like this thats how it seems to be with me.
10. This post is more detailed and in depth that usual. I bigger glimpse at me I suppose. I'm at ten, thank goodness.
Happy Cold January!!! haha....
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