There is so much running through my head... my head is full... I'm not sure I can handle any more thoughts right now... so much processing. I just came from church, I love Saturday evening service, there are less people, I'm so much more alert in the evening, I feel less like the new kid on the block because there are fewer people, and I just like the set-up. Today the message was about 'Where do I go from here?', the end of a series dealing with relationships. The series has been odd for me because as I have mentioned there are a lack of relationships in my life in general (not married, no kids, no work relationships right now etc.) The service was about healing. In relationships especially. Again. I didn't think I had any that really needed mending, not that my life is perfect, but overall in the relationships with other people department things are ok. The message wasn't totally that though. It delved a bit into healing in general. Basically the 'revelation' that God put on me.... He cares.... Its already done... and I need to accept it.... let go of the guilt, the anger, the frustration, the sadness.... and let God in. Jesus did it all on the cross. I need to know that not only in my head, but in my heart. I'm not sure how this will happen, but somehow I know that it will. I wish it was instant. This time it is not going to be though I don't think.... Perseverance. I feel like I need to re-define or re-figure out how to live for God, how to let Him in... and how to let Him work in and through me. There are some serious walls up, I'm not sure how they will come down. But I need to keep trying. That I know. And there is a drive within me to do that and I hope it lasts, and I hope i don't give up, or get too frustrated. I'm on a strange path. I don't know where it is going, I don't see the light at the end, and I hope beyond hope that I don't end up lost in here (whatever place this is) again, cause finding my way out is taking all of me.
I'm holding on to the past, to guilt, to hurts, frustrations, anger, all this yucky stuff... knowing that the past dosn't matter. My future starts today. My slate is wiped clean with God... because that is the kind of God He is, the past dosn't matter. Jesus died for all of it. Why can't I let Him in???? Why am I holding on??? I don't know. But I'll figure it out. Jesus cares for us.
Totally unrelated note: Looking for a position SUCKS. I just got the paper today... and they re-posted positions... that means waiting 2 more weeks until even the possibility of an interview... I DON'T UNDERSTAND.... but my portfolio is with the right person right now, so I need to keep my hopes up for now I guess, this SUCKS. We'll see what happens. I'm so very tired of this, almost ready to give up, but I know that I can't. ARG. Did I mention that this SUCKS????????? Kay I'm done now. Please hope with me that I get a job???!!!! I need all the hope I can get right now. Peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment