nothing better to do...

SO, I'm bored, which is not that unusual, I also just had a large T.H. coffee and considering that I don't really drink coffee all that often that means I will be fairly alert for some time to come... so here goes a survey... just cause I have nothing better to do for the moment...

Who was the last person you...
1. You hung out with? Talking with Pam tonight... that sort of counts
2. Rode in a car with?Lots by myself recently, but most likely Dave... I'm a bit of a taxi service somedays.
3. Went to the movies with?No Idea, its been a while
4. You went to the mall with? ummm, don't know.... don't spend much time at the mall.
6. You talked on the phone/IMed to? Umm, a principal of a school... asking me to work.
7. Made you laugh? My own stupidity.

W O U L D . Y O U . R A T H E R?
1. Pierce your nose or tongue?nose
2. Be serious or be funny?Vewwy vewwy sewious
3. Drink whole or skim milk?:skim- but I don't really care.
4. Die in a fire or drown?ummm, lets say neither
5. Spend time with your parents or enemies?:Parents, though I think I do enough of that.

A N S W E R. T R U T H F U L L Y.1.
Do you like anyone? well, people in general I suppose.

Y O U . P R E F E R.
1. Sun or moon?:Sun. I like sunshine! But the moon can be fun too
2. Winter or Fall?Fall... mostly cause I hate winter
.3. left or right?Right?
4. 10 acquaintances or two best friends?Two best friends.
5. Sunny or rain? Sun, but rain is nice once in a while
6. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?ummm probably vanilla if I had to choose

.A B O U T . Y O U.
1. What time is it?11:25 (how is that about me?
2. First Name?:Heather
3. What do you want to do? Teach, go on a warm vacation, spend time with fun people
4. Where do you wanna live?:negotiable
5. How many kids do you want?also negotiable
6. Do you want to get married?Yes. Someday
7. what do you like on your pizza? No pineapple
8. Can you cross your eyes?Not skillfully
9. Do you make your bed daily?Nope
.
R A N D O M.
1. Which shoe goes on first? I'm thinking the right one... never really thought about it though
!2. Ever thrown a shoe at someone?'I'm thinking yes
3. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?Twirl
.4. Have you ever eaten Spam? Yes.
3. Favorite ice cream? Peppermint... but you can only find it at Christmas
4. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet?Not sure.
5. Current mood? Ummm, a little discouraged.----

IN . THE. LAST. 48 HOURS. HAVE. YOU.
1. kissed some one? Nope
2. Sang?Yes
3. Been hugged:No
4. Felt stupid:Yes.
5. Missed Someone:Yes
6. Danced Crazy?No
7. Gotten your hair cut?No
8. Cried:Yes

S T U F F .
1. do you have a Dog? There is a decreped dog that lives here but she's not really mine.
2. When's the last time you've been sledding?Probably last winter
3. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone? I pretty much like my bed... but maybe someday
.4. Do you believe in ghosts?Umm no.
5. Do you consider yourself creative? Maybe in some way... not sure I've found it yet


All you ever wanted to know and more... have a great weekend everybody.

today

So, once again I'm back, it actually hasn't been all that long, maybe I'll get more regular with this blogging thing (no promises though). What have I been up to? More substitute teaching... fun fun... the other day I was in a grade 1 class, it was actually pretty good as in grade 1 if you are the teacher you are pretty darn special. Kids are so funny, we were learning about the number 5, and let me tell ya, that was a challenge as many had not quite mastered 1-4... I'm thinking I might go crazy if I taught grade 1 but it was fun for a couple of hours.

Lets see... what else... I went to a wedding in Minnesota, that was pretty fun, lots of craziness and I was very tired after this short 'vacation' but it was worth it, I don't go many places these days so it was good to be 'away' for a few days.

Most profound learning as of late: the past dosn't matter, how I got to where I am dosn't matter, everything behind dosn't matter what matters is where I am at today and where I go from here. What matters is today. Start today. No judgement. Just today.

So here I am. Where I am. Today.

ok

OK, so this blog thing tends to turn into a rant about life in general and nothing too specific. I think this is just how my mind works... my brain moves quickly and I can't seem to say what I want to say in a way that makes sense and how others can percieve it correctly... especially when speaking... at least when I write it out it has half a chance because I can try... and sometimes fail... to say what I want to say.

So. Update. I am officially a not very busy substitute teacher. This is not a lifelong career choice for me that's for sure. Granted it is easy, and relatively stress free... and I like the 'no homework' part of it. But I really miss having my own class, and having a group of students to care about every day. There are some terrible classes (especially in high school... no offence to any high school agers out there... I like you as people... I'm just not so much into teaching high school classes... though it may be different if I were there full time) ANYWAY. At least I know that I don't want to be a high school teacher. Its good to learn such things. Work is work. And I'm waiting for some mat leaves to start so I can apply for some more jobs... time will tell where this year will lead.

So. I went to church last week. Actually it has been two consecutive weeks in a row (It has been probably a couple years since that has happened). Its been good. Its a bit of a drive as I chose to go out of the local communities, but its good. I feel ok there. And I can sneak in and out fairly quietly if I want to. I've had a love/hate relationship with the concept and all the extras and socialness (not a word... so what) of church. I've decided that it is not church that I want. It is God that I want. Simple. I don't necessarily want all the drama and relationships and pressure to fit some mold that dosn't really exist but people expect. I want simple. It has been that way all along. But I'm trying to define what that means to me, and how that looks and what it really involves. Perhaps I'm way off base in all my thinking (call me on it if you want). Its been a strange winding and bumpy road. I feel like it has been an uphill battle for some time, its my own fault... human as I am.... doubting as I am... I'm ok with it, its my journey, and I suppose really the only person that needs to understand it is me. I'm not yet where I should be, but perhaps I might get back on track, I've been a little lost in the woods... I need some Christmas lights on the trail. Healing takes time, but I'm choosing to be proactive in it, and try to make some positive changes that hopefully will lead to good things. I'm a different person than I once was, and I think that's ok too, though some days I struggle with the change and wonder what happened. Sometimes scars are permanent. I'm hoping to come out stronger on the other side. I definitly feel like the only person in the world who struggles with this, though in my head I know I'm not (but how come no one ever talks about the hard stuff of faith???? Why is it always sunshine and rainbows and just look to God and everything will be great???.......AHHHHHHHHHH.) Life happens. God is always good. But life still happens.

Here I am. Spilling all this nonsense online (at least its an optional read right??). Here I am. Ok.

more

It's been a while.... maybe I should catch up.
Let me see, the last few months have been full of good, bad, ugly, happiness, sadness, disappointment, despair and confusion. On some scale all of those have been present. Right now I am somewhere in between, and it changes fairly regularily and sporadically, which keeps me on my toes because I never really know whats coming next.
I finished my school year with my students strong, I enjoyed it greatly and I became more relaxed and had fun with my kids. I find myself unemployed for the fall as of today and greatly frustrated about it. This has not been an easy journey, and I struggle with what I am supposed to be learning from all of this, and I struggle with how I am going to get through it some days. I very much identified myself with my job, and thinking about not doing it again is sad to me (not that I will never teach again... but I'm just not sure how this journey is going to unfold for me) I watch others, friends, getting the jobs and that is hard, but part of the game I suppose.
I don't know where I am going, I don't know where I should go, decisions don't come easy to me at the best of times, and this certainly isnt' the best of times. I often wonder about the person that I have become over the past few years. I'm not sure who I am supposed to be. There have been different versions of me through the years, versions of who I am, what I believe in, and why. The person I was before seems so distant. I don't know what it is to rely on faith, and there is so much doubt in my life. I hate fakeness, and I don't want to do things or feel things, or believe things that change. I don't want to be a certain way because others might expect it, I want to do it for me, I don't want to be closed off from non-christians in judgement as so many are. Where will I find a balance between my worlds? Will I find a balance? Is balance possible? Hard to say. My foundation is cracked... I'm not sure how it happened, but the damage is done and renovations are not going to be easy.
I watch and listen to others who have a faith so strong (or so it appears on the outside) and I see I've grown to be different. Its a strange feeling and I'm not sure I long to be that person, though I'm not sure. Once again. Don't know. Surprise, surprise. I've spent time in reflection this summer, though I'm not sure where it has gotten me. My time at camp was theraputic, it was quiet (if that is possible... somehow it was) and there were minimal demands on my time, and minimal stress. I couldn't have dealt with stress at that point in the summer so it was good. Above all, it was almost painfully quiet, I dread quiet, I live for distraction, so quiet was hard and good all at the same time. Camp is good. I'm thankful that they let me be there. Without question or judgement as I worked through the worst of my struggle this summer.
So my ramble brings me to now... wanting more, but not knowing what more is, more of what???? Space? Time? Direction? Distraction? Peace? Laughter? I just know that I desire much and I can't define it. My journey lies hidden to me, but I know will unfold in time (it has to right?)
So here I am. More than disappointed, more than sad, more than frustrated, more than confused, more than angry. Just more. Here I am. Wanting more....

restless

I'm not sure why this blog is such a journal, things that I wouldn't normally talk about seem to have there place here where the world may read them (though I'm fairly sure the world dosn't cause lets face it I'm not that interesting) Anyway I have officially been living in one spot for more than a year. This hasn't happened in about 8 years. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I'm not sure my life is where I want it to be. I feel like I'm going backwards in many ways though I know that I am on a path - one that most days I may not understand - but a path nonetheless. My indifference continues, but there is an added restlessness, a need for change. A change of what I'm not yet sure - space? location? mindset? scenery? paintcolor? shoes? people? Who knows... time will tell. I am unsatisfied in my indifference. My 'lukewarmness' if you will. I recently read some prose that clearly defined what it is that I am feeling, the gist of it was that - standing on a cliff, and on one side there are people struggling and barely hanging on, on the other side, people free, jumping and soaring, and then there is me in the middle. Not struggling with major issues, but not free, and not soaring, not victorious. I have lost much in this battle of the last year and a half. It has left me in the middle. Lukewarm, with lack of vision, and lack of passion. What a gross place to be. But I don't know where my mind is and therefore do not know the course to changing it.... yet anyways. So I will continue. In restlessness, that will inevitably turn to urgency, to move out of the this place of indifference.
I will look on the bright side... and I will look up.
Peace.

indifference

February is over, thank goodness, each day that passes is one day closer to summer and I can hardly wait for the snow to melt. Not because of any big plans because I actually have none at this point, I just want winter to be over. Winter is cold, and dark, and snowy, and I often feel trapped by these elements (maybe I should move?) probably won't happen. Anyways it is now the 3rd day of March, so things are looking up (except for all the snow that keeps falling down). I'll try not to parrallel anything to driving today however, although my 'adventures' continue, living out here in the sticks, the parrallels will probably get less and less effective, even in my own mind.

So this is my life, I get up, go to work, come home, there is the occasional meeting, and the odd trip to the gym, out for coffee or shopping, but basically, my life is work, and I am indifferent. Things are ok there. Not great, but ok. I am definitly feeling the pressure to find another job for next year, patience, patience. Something permanent would be nice. Anyways, work will happen. It is not just work, it is life that I am indifferent to, and on some level, my own faith, and God. This is a scary position. Not sure what to do about it. I don't think indifference is a good place to be but that is the best word that I have to describe it right now.

I have no incredible stories to tell, no amazing revelations, or inspiring prose. What can I say? It has been winter. A season. I just figured I hadn't posted in a while, so why not, however uninspiring these words may be.

My mind is jumbled with work.... so I will end this ramble.

One step at a time..... hopefully on a path out of indifference. Peace.

once again

"It smells like McDonalds apple pie, I like their pie it is good" -a student... completely random... I think we were doing math at the time... kids are funny. I try to keep laughing.

A new year. I don't really like the idea of resolutions, so I choose not to make them, but I do like to make decisions, in a hope that a decision will be worth more. Time will tell.

So last week I tried to get out of the yard and there was a really big snowdrift that had blown across the lane. I knew immediately that even though I was driving my fun new little SUV this drift was likely to prove to be a little too much. It was tall. And long. But I had to try, it was dark out and there was no one up yet, I would have to get myself stuck and then call for help. That is exactly what I did, I took a run at it... made it about half way and was hung up. 4 Wheel Drive dosn't help much if your wheels are off the ground. Much to my liking my phone decided that there was service out here that morning and I was able to call the house for help (I didn't even have to walk anywhere!) My rescue was a couple minutes, a tractor, and a tug away. It was fairly quick and painless. The point of telling the story? Sometimes you can't do it on your own. I'm not really one to ask for help if I can help it, when it comes to things like getting unstuck I have no problem, but if there is a chance that I can do things on my own I probably will. Or at least I'll try. This is not a good trait when it comes to faith. I'm not supposed to do it all on my own. I'm thinking quite the opposite in fact, sometimes it's ok to be rescued, and sometimes its ok to make mistakes, and sometimes its ok to get some help for along the way.

Sometimes it takes perseverence. Diligence. Endurance. Strength. Discipline. I parallel once again to driving. Monday morning I wake up to 15cm of new snow piled on my lovely Ford. I was not expecting snow so was a little put aback. I turned on the radio just in case I was in luck and school was cancelled. No such luck. I ventured out. The snow was deep, but drivable. (Why do I live here???) Some other brave soul had been the first one down the road and made a track (thank goodness). It took power to get to work that day 4X4 was a real blessing. My point? I hope I have one! Life isn't always easy, but there is a path laid out before you, and although it may take power, patience, perseverence, getting stuck, and it may be hard at times, it may downright suck at times, and though you may loose sight of the road at times and veer off, if you keep your eyes fixed on the destination, eventually you will get there. Never alone. I hope that I take my own off kilter parallels and remind my self of all of these things.

Once Again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside.
Once again I thank You.

.... and someday soon I hope to be able to finish the song with honest sincereity.

Peace.

interesting and not all at once

Just found this... looked like fun and I haven't posted in a while... so figured what the heck. I think it actually rings true for me for the most part. Perhaps it will for you too!

Your Birthdate: June 6

You tend to be a the rock in relationships - people depend on you.Thoughtful and caring, you often put others needs first.You aren't content to help those you know... you want to give to the world.An idealist, you strive for positive change and dream about how much better things could be. Your strength: Your intuition Your weakness: You put yourself last Your power color: Rose Your power symbol: Cloud Your power month: June

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanquiz/">What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

first

First real job.
First real classroom of my own.
First report cards written.
First parent interviews.
First meetings.
First issues to solve (new ones everyday).
First formal evalulation.
First paycheck (in a while anyways).
First vehicle of my own (finally!!)
The past two and a half months have been crazy. It has been up and down and sideways, up one wall across the ceiling and down the other and back again. There are days that are long and hard and there are days that are fun and things go well. There is a balance to be found between work and life - and apparently they are not the same thing. I continue to be challenged at work but it is getting easier. There is just so much to learn still and so much to do everyday. It is an overwhelming job most days. I continue to try to live in the moment with a drive towards seeing the 'big picture' (and if someone would tell me a little more specifically what the heck that means life would be good).
Life is good and I guess I can't complain. I have a lot going for me and things could be far worse. I am truly thankful to be where I am, fumbling through the present and seeking out the future. One step and one 'first' at a time.

new every morning

Ah, the challenges of a new lifestyle, a new job, a new routine. An adjustment. The learning never stops. I stand in front of 23 young young people everyday and try to accomplish something... with them? within them? I suppose the goal would be to make each and every day meaningful in some way, to have minimal time wasted and to be eager to build relationships. There is so much more to teaching than curriculum, but as a new teacher it is hard to see the big picture, to see beyond today, tomorrow, this week. I'm learning to live in the moment. To try to do the best I can with the time and the energy that I have, and to hope that in 'the big picture' it is all worth it.
I will continue to search for the perspective that I need, the vision for this year, for my life, and for my students. No matter what happens each day, whatever it brings, each day is different. Tomorrow there will be a new morning, with new challenges and new triumphs. I will not dwell on what was but on each day as new. New every morning... Great is Thy faithfulness...

borrowed faith

The summer has gone by... so slow and yet so fast all at the same time. My "career" begins in a few days. A surreal feeling. It is good. The stress will begin soon enough.

I think I've grown this summer, and have learnt new things about myself, both who I am, and who it is that I want to be. Though I haven't done anything profoundly interesting or life-changing I am progressing through this transition time in my life and I am learning to accept all the good things that have come my way (feels strange to think that I have to learn to accept good... but that's how I see it). I couldn't ask for it to be different or better, all the doors were swung open for me to jump right though, it's an exciting new journey that I am thrilled (most days) to be on.

I was tremendously encouraged by all of my favorite camp people... Lisa E.... haha... had to mention you cause you said I should. What an awesome privilege to know and work with these people. I am continually inspired. I feel as if I'm borrowing their faith for the time being... as mine seems hard to find... and though you don't know it... I'm riding on all of ya'all's unwaivering faith, for that I thank you. So... while I keep looking for my own... I will be walking with borrowed faith. Till next time. Peace.

Spinnin my tires....

Well... another day and another post. What's new? WELL... not a whole lot. I just got back from a fairly non-adventurous little trip with 2 friends of mine to my aunt's fishing lodge. While we didn't do any fishing I did manage to get them both into a canoe, which was probably the highlight of the trip for me. It was a relaxing time, nothing extraordinary happened, but what else is new. Now I find myself back where I began... a little stuck... still not knowing where I'm going. Moving... but is it forward? I have to wonder sometimes. My purpose will change soon as I head to work and what will probably be a very busy year. It'll be good.

Where my mind is...

Well, again, writing, or 'blogging' if you will. I'm at home, though I would prefer to be elsewhere. This picture is from the valley... a common yet amazing morning sight that you can take for granted when you live there... but when away from there you miss it. Pretty incredible world we live in, almost as if you are 'on top of the world' with the clouds below and the blue sky above. It dosn't get much better. I know I'm a little 'over nostalgic' when it comes to camp, but its hard not to think about this summer although I'm enjoying some time off I still miss the craziness of that place and being in the middle of it all. It's all good... here's to the next step...

Just a picture to you...

This is a fun pic with many memories attached. This picture was taken in the Dominican Republic in January of 2000 when I was on outreach following my Phase II school at YWAM Denver. Dana, Katie, Peter, Josh, and Lydia are pictured here with me. We spent a week building a church (which involved a lot of digging, mixing cement, and laying bricks/cinder blocks. I learned a lot that week. It was hard but it was awesome at the same time. Our 'shower' facilities was a creek down in the woods... pretty cool... literally and figuratively. I also learned that week that it is possible to 'walk up hill both ways' as we hiked OVER a 'mountain' (it looked like a mountain... maybe it was a big hill) and then to get back we had to hike back OVER the mountain. There was definitly uphill both ways (there was also downhill though). An amazing week. One of about 7 that we spent in DR/Haiti/Mexico... I'll save some stories for another time. Peace.

midnight on a winding road

Here I am again. Just returned from a week... well two weeks I guess of camp life. The valley is very much a part of who I am, going there is like going home. There is a cool atmosphere that exists in no other place that I have found. I love that place, it is fun to be there. A goal I had going in was to gain 'perspective' I'm not sure that I have, another goal was to leave fuller than I came (fuller not food wise but fuller as a person... it's a long story) and that I think has happened at least to some degree. There was no amazing moment, or incredible revelation about who I am and where I am going, but baby steps. I still find myself lost in this transition time, lost in knowing what it is that I want, what it is that I believe, how it is that I want to live. In that way I'd say that my life right now seems like it has been midnight on a winding road... not knowing where I am or where to go (not my words... but I like em anyways). I'm ready for the sun to rise to light my path, or for the road to straighten in order to get to wherever it is that I may be going. For the moment I remain on this winding path, and yet I trust, one day, it will all become clear. I will contemplate. I will try to figure it out. And I will wait.

again for the very first time

Hi everyone. It's a little hard to believe that I am sitting here and actually starting a blog... but lets face it... I have some time on my hands. I suppose this blog may turn out to be a little eclectic in nature as I post whatever whenever, and the whenever may get less frequent as I start work in September and my life becomes consumed with trying to manage my new classroom full of grade 5's and 6's. Yep, I'm finally a teacher, and five years of school has made me appreciate the fact that I am finally finished with university... at least for my forseeable future... and so I am in transition from one lifestyle to another. From the life of a student to starting a full time professional career (that sounds really serious!) It's not really, I'm excited and ready for the change even if this time of 'transition' is a struggle, to find my place, and decide what it is that I want from this time. I'm headed to camp for two weeks... I am glad to have the break from being at home... and I hope to gain some perspective and have some fun while I'm there. The Pembina Valley Bible Camp has been my home for the last 4 summers... and for much more time before that... and so... this spring and summer... I miss it. That perhaps makes this "in-between" time a little harder. There is a time for change and for moving on... and I guess I have come to that place... I stand...a little reluctantly perhaps....at a crossroads...dragging my feet a little in the process... Here I Am...again for the very first time Peace.