a post on posting

So I try to post about once a month, if nothing else than just to say that I have a very uninteresting blog space for people to pass by quickly. Those who know me may pause a bit longer just to see if I have anything interesting or new to say. I tend to repeat myself a lot as my struggles remain the same and I continue to be stuck in the same rut as always and have done nothing to get out of this rut, and yes I know it is most likely (ok it is) my fault. So what.
On that note. No. Nothing has changed. It is very much winter outside and I`m getting tired of it being winter. I would like the snow to melt and to be able to get out more. Warmer weather and better roads help with that. I also prefer when the kids can go out for recess. This helps my life seem less crazy at work. And some days a little bit quieter :)... a teacher can dream.
I know that spring will come, it always does, but I wouldn`t mind if it started a little early this year. It was actually warm today, it got up to the freezing mark, but tomorrow will be a different story. Winter is not over yet. Unfortunately.
Well, you know for sure that I have nothing to talk about if I can spend an entire paragraph on the weather. I think I need to stop now. I hope somewhere out there someone is having a little extra fun for me tonight.

new year

So, it is another new year, though I very much don't feel that January is the best time to start a new year. For me, the new year begins in September, that is when school starts, thats when there are changes a brewing. Though I suppose change can happen at any time. Still. January is not my start to a new year. The calendar sort of wins on this one however and I guess it is 2008. Whether I like it or not. The holidays were good. Nothing really out of the ordinary or exciting but good. I stayed home, we did all the normal family things and that was that. I should have taken a warm vacation for the second week.... that would have been a good idea... maybe next year. Now it is back to work again. This week was a bit of a shock to the system, it is so busy at work, and with 2 weeks off I had a chance to forget about the stress... I was very quickly reminded however. There are constant challenges in my profession and I'm sure that it does or will get easier with more experience... there is no way to jump through some special hoop that will make me experienced... I just have to pay my dues and keep working at it. There always seems like there is so much to do and so little time. I often wonder what it would be like to have a more 'normal' 9 to 5 job where you can just show up, work, and go home, and not carry planning, marking, and to do lists in your brain all the time. Maybe these jobs don't really exist, but in my mind they definitly do, and some days a job like that would be nice. In the end I still enjoy my work and my chosen profession and can't wait till it gets easier... and somewhat more manageable time wise. 50 hour weeks are long. I know there are people out there who work far more... but for me... 50 hour weeks are long. In general there is not much more in my life besides work, and most days I don't feel like there is time for much more, but then there are days that I long for more. I suppose there is a need to find a balance between the two. I know I could handle more. I know that I would benefit from more.

Yes. I'm still living at home. I will buy a house this spring or summer. I think this is my final and best decision. I have a down payment ready... so now I just bide my time... and hope for the job... without the permanent job I will probably rent. I just have to make it through the winter driving over the next few months... yikes... I hate the driving from the sticks... but I've done it before and I can do it again, I just won't enjoy it too much.

I once again feel like I am churchless. This is a complicated issue in my life that I am tired of dealing with.... I need to suck it up.

So here's to a new year. I'm believing for a good one. My best one.

Looking Forward.
H.

snow and holidays holidays and snow

1. I don't particularly like snow. Its ok to look at but beyond that... not entirely enthused.
2. Very happy to have 2 weeks off of work.
3. Looking forward to seeing family over the holidays, some that I haven't seen in quite some time so it should be a good time.
4. I want to see and spend some time with friends over this holiday.... and am open to suggestions.
5. I need to move. I've been saying that for 2 years... perhaps I should make that happen sooner rather than later.
6. I feel almost christmassed out with all the excitement that 25 10 year olds bring to the classroom everyday.... yikes to be 10.
7. I think I've resolved not to make any resolutions but reserve the right to change my mind.
8. I am appalled by the YWAM Denver shooting and am reminded that life is fragile and unpredictable even in what I may consider a very safe place.
9. I don't like snow.
10. Is winter over yet??

I don't know where this list came from but I felt compelled to write in list form today... and once I started I had to make it all the way to 10.

Life is going ok for me. Work continues to be very busy and I am dreading the job hunt that is only a couple short months away, I try not to think about it but its hard not to. I'm really hoping that things work out smoothly this year. As my list stated I'm happy for the break from work. I am tired. And need a little time to re-energize for the months ahead. It has been a busy and stressful fall and I hope to settle into some sort of routine after the holidays and hope and pray that my class cooperates with this plan.

I'm not super excited for Christmas cause my students have sucked the life out of it for me right now, but I'm sure with the arrival of family things will pick up. It should be fun and I'm hoping that it is. The food will be good. That much I know.

Anyway I'm rambling right now... so I'll stop and try to post again before the new year, perhaps with some more stimulating topics or deep thoughts....... whatever.... lol.

Happy holidays everybody. Peace and Joy.

for now

So. Time flies when you're busy I guess. It has been one month since I started my new job. The past few weeks have gone by quickly. Much has happened, much has changed in my work and my classroom. It has been a fairly good transition and I'm OK with how things are progressing. I can't believe I have to write reports next week, but other than that, things are good. My picture of my ideal classroom is definitly coming into clearer focus as time goes on... I'm already trying to picture what I would do differently next time while I work on what I want to change now. Ah well.

Other than work, my life does not have much else in it right now. Work is taking up a lot of my time these days. One thing on the horizon I hope is moving into town. It is time to leave and I know that. I will miss being here I think, close to my family and being able to see and talk to them almost daily, not that I'm moving around the world, really it is only 20 minutes away... but it will be different. I feel that I really need to be an 'adult' or something and perhaps support myself for a bit? Learn what that is really like? With my own money? All of these foreign concepts that should be old hat for me by now. Somehow I didn't picture myself when I was younger living at home at 28.... funny how things change like that. I think I need to get out in order to really see what I want for my life, to be myself in my own space, to know if this is the place in the world that I truly want to stay. I'm not really sure at this point, so I think I need to find out. So I suppose that is my next step, my next 'big change' or whatever. I look forward to it with some apprehension about change, and some annoyance with the idea of moving to a very 'non-permanent' residence, as renting is an appalling practice that I hope to not do for very long.

Anyway. I suppose that is me. For now.

blur

So. The last few days have been a little crazy. It has definitly been busier than usual, and somewhat more stressful. On Monday (5 days ago) I was interviewed for a job. Later that day I was offered the position. About 2 seconds after that I accepted the position. Crazy. I'm very happy about this as it is about as close to my 'ideal' job as it can possibly be (except that its not a permanent position....). So Monday I got the job. Tuesday I spent being anxious and wondering what it was going to be like. Wednesday I moved stuff into my classroom. Thursday I set up my room. Today I subbed at the school and spent time in my room trying to think of all the things I am forgetting.... and my students moved their things into the room. On Monday it begins. Me and my new class. There are still some things I am uncertain about, but it will all come together I'm sure. I'm happy to be at this school with some of my former colleagues from a past position. I feel very welcome. Today I had 411 students cheer when they said my name.... how many new jobs start like that??? lol. Some of the students know me too so that helps. So begins the change. This is what I do. So I'm happy to have a class to teach for the year. What change will be next??

ummmm.....

I hate making decisions. I suck at it. I over-think things and try to rationalize to try to make the best decisions possible... and it drives me crazy. I should just decide and get on with it. The thing is that I know that I will have to live with my decision, whatever it may lead to. Arg. I hate making decisions.

So, I'm on the sub list in Winkler, I'm not officially back on the list in Morden, I just dread it so I'm procrastinating... I hope I'm not subbing very long... I'm also signed up to take some French at RRC this fall, hopefully that works out to my advantage in the long run.

Ah well. Thats it for now.

disappointment and distraction

The end of the summer is once again coming. Or the end of August I guess and that to me is sort of the end of summer. It has gone quickly. It has been ok. Not great, but ok. I find myself once again still unemployed, this is a source of great disappointment for me. I don't understand what it has to be this way. I don't know where I am supposed to be and I feel as if I am not where I am meant to be in this world at this time. It is very frustrating and I don't know how to change it but to keep going and to try and make the best of a yucky situation.

I have been greatly encouraged and lifted by distraction as of late. I find my home consuming and drowning. It is very difficult for me to be here so I welcome the opportunity to leave for periods of time. I am frustrated by the fact that I can't seem to handle more than a few days of intense activities of other kinds however. My inner 'demons' seem to be winning some days and it is incredibly scary for me to face this reality. I thought this was a thing of the past, apparently it is not, though it is not the same as the past, it is real, it is frustrating, infuriating, and consuming. I have only in the past couple of days truly realized the magnitude of what I am experiencing. But perhaps by accepting it I can begin to overcome. I was free once before, I need desperately to be free again, I don't know how I can do this everyday. I need healing in my life, thank goodness I believe in a God that has already overcome, that has already healed... Facing this God is not easy. I get angry so quickly, I don't truly understand but I do my best to push through it because I know this 'anger' I feel when it is only me and God is not from Him. If anyone actually reads this (and I'm ok with the fact that no one really does... cause its good just to write it)... but if you do... pray. Cause I'm tired of fighting this on my own.

So I continue to look for distraction. My previous distraction was a bit of a healing experience, it was very very good, God is good, I wish that is could have continued but perhaps it is not about the physical 'place'. Tomorrow I leave for a few more days of distraction in a different place, where many people know me, and I in many ways am not looking forward to that part of it, the expectations, and views of who I am. I don't know what will come of it, no expectations helps because I am less disappointed in the end.

So I continue in search of direction for my life. I hope it is not a series of distractions. I need to move on, away from disappointment, and to something bigger than distraction.

Searching for Peace. Please let it come.

travel

It had been over 7 years since I really went somewhere... so I'm glad that I made the decision to go to Alaska this summer. I spent about 8 or 9 nine days on Kodiak Island Alaska, it was a good time of exploring, relaxing, fishing, taking lots of pictures, and hanging out. Kodiak is a beautiful island, and my friend Abby was a great tour guide. It was a great opportunity to get out. The highlight was probably going out fishing for a day, I caught a Halibut that was over 100lbs. It was very fun, and a good, once in a lifetime type of opportunity. I enjoyed the ocean and the mountains thoroughly. We stayed pretty busy during my time there, hiking around, shopping, visiting different beaches, and meeting and spending time with Abby's family, and of course eating more fish and seafood than I normally would in a year. Alaska was good times.
Now I'm back in Manitoba... wondering what I'm going to do next again. Still unemployed, still trying to figure it out, and playing the waiting game in many ways. So I continue to wait... for now anyways... but with anticipation for change in my life, if it dosn't come I will create that change for myself...
Peace.

what to do

This is my neice Rylee, she is pretty stinking cute. She will be 8 months old at the end of July and is already crawling all over the place. Little monkey. She's fun to watch, added entertainment to the family for sure.

So summer is rolling along. I am finding myself bored already. I'm not really sure what to do with my time at this point. I'm not sure if I'm going to get to go away anywhere. It's pretty expensive for someone without a job to just take off, it seems reckless to spend money like that. We'll see. I need to decide soon though because my opportunity will soon be gone.

So I have nothing really interesting to report... just thought I'd blog to end some boredness... we'll see what happens tomorrow!

almost

I can't believe its been 2 months since I last wrote on this blog. I am one of those bloggers where it dosn't really matter if anyone reads it I guess, and I'm fairly certain there are no regular readers anyway.

So the school year is almost over, I thought this time may never get here. I definitly have some mixed emotions about this experience. It has been hard. Definitly the hardest job I have ever had in my life so far. I have been stretched, drained, frustrated, and in between there have been bits that have been ok. I've never had a job where I went home defeated, and exhausted, almost every day. A job where I have cried before work, during work, and after work because many times it was just too much, I felt alone, and I didn't know what to do to to make it work better. This is definitly the most I have ever questioned my decision to teach. I have also learned a lot. Grown a lot as a person and as a professional. In the big picture I know that this has been a good experience for me and has shaped me in some way. Hopefully I will take something good from this experience. And so it is mixed feelings that I have in leaving the school I am at. Even though my future is very uncertain at this point (I may be unemployed very soon) I have a definite peace about my decision not to apply for the second part of this term, and somehow I know that things will work as they should. 5 more days.

Otherwise things are ok. I'm happy that it is summer, I like having no real plans and I hope to fill my days with some fun and relaxing activities see what happens or what I am driven to for the fall. I know for sure that I need to move soon though. I really really need my own space. It'll depend on the job for fall a bit and if I maybe decide to go away for a while next winter or something which is an idea rolling around in my head.

I'll try not to wait 2 months to post, and with summer here I will have more time. The end is in sight. Peace all.

stretched

God is not going to give me more than I can handle. This is the message that hit home for me tonite at VFC. The message was good, a life story, a journey. It definitely helped me to reflect on my own jouney, and realize (again) that I am not alone. I am not the only one who struggles with this journey, this life. Yes I am in a struggle with God, yes I am in a struggle with my own faith and where I stand, yes I am in a struggle seeking the next step, the missing piece to the puzzle, the step towards where ever it is that I am headed.

My job right now makes me a little crazy. I am stressed. I leave defeated some days (though thankfully not all days). There are challenges and new situations to be faced every single day. It is exhausting. I care about what I am doing and the people that I am affecting and I think that makes it even more stressful. I want the best. I am learning about myself. I am changing. I'm not sure if its a good change or a negative one, and its possible that it is a little of both. It is very difficult to try to meet everyone's needs when there are so very many. This job has 'pushed' me closer to God, because I CAN NOT do this on my own. There is no way. Without God as the one who takes my cares and my troubles, who hears my pleas... I would be lost.

I don't know what is next. The feeling is not comfortable. All I know is that there is MORE. I don't know how to get it, or where I will find it, I don't know the path that I will take to get there. In the testimony shared tonite it was 2 years of prayer and the same answer before anything came to fruition, until things came together. I suppose there is something to be said for persistence. I'm not sure I'm in a place where I can pray that prayer where my life is surrendered, all of me surrendered. I'm not sure it would be honest. Its a scary prayer. Even with the assurance that God will not give me more than I can handle... I may be stretched, but I won't snap.

I need to hold on to that for the next 2 months... to get me through... fur survival purposes. To not just exist but to do what I need to do with conviction and strength.

Stretched. And near (in my opinion anyway) my limit.

This is what a week off... too much time... and avoiding doing work at all costs gets ya....

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind.You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

What's" Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have low extroversion. You are quiet and reserved in most social situations.A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you.You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people. Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness.Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.Most things in your life are organized and planned well.But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness.You're generally a friendly and trusting person.But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism.You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium.You are generally broad minded when it come to new things.But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it.You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

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You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone.Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people.Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run.No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle.Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings.A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning.You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

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not getting out of the car

Decisions, decisions, decisions, that was the title of the sermon tonight.... and I figured... oh great... my favorite topic. I'm not the greatest decision maker out there, I'm pretty lost in this area and completely not good at it at all... little did I know that this particular sermon would stir up so much inside of me, in some sort of re-realization that YES God is with me, and YES I can go forward from here.

So back to it. The gist of the evening? God DESIRES the best for you/me. Does that mean that I will always get the best??? Absolutely not. But that is God's desire. The thing is that it is very much up to us. God dosn't drive the car. I do. Jesus is there in the passenger seat, just waiting to be asked for help or directions or whatever. HE is not going anywhere. I may make a wrong turn, I may go in circles... that dosn't change the fact that God is still there. And that He still desires the best for me, He knows the path I should take, not that I have to backtrack through all of my mistakes and screwups and bad decisions, not at all, I can get on a new route... the best route... the route to a totally devoted relationship with Him from wherever I am. There was a whole visual to go with this.... and I know this is probably hard to follow but I really wanted to write it down tonite.

My path has not always been straight. My path has been fairly messed up the past few years. I have questioned my faith, and in some ways I think I still do. I don't question that there is a God, or that Jesus is real, or even that I am a Christian, but I definitly question what that really means to me and how it is going to shape my life. I was part of a ministry for some time off and on, for about 10 years or so. The last time I worked there was different in many ways, don't get me wrong I look back with some good memories and I definitely have some great friends as a result. But something that sticks out so strongly for me is how profoundly my walk with God, my faith, what I held on to, was changed so drastically, and dramatically so as to bring me to this day almost 3 years later still 'recovering' still figuring it out. It was a milestone that I can't seem to get past, a bridge that I'm stuck on, (insert more sayings here), whatever. It makes me angry in many ways. Angry that I don't know what to do, angry that it is taking so long. I feel so stuck. Its still a ministry that I'd like to be a part of in some way, but why??? Sometimes I think I need to go back, that it will help if I'm there, that direction might come, but I know so definitely that it has absolutely nothing to do with the physical space of that place. Its just a place. Unmoving. Insignificant without people. Its about me. A stuck me. A me that dosn't know what to do next.

God DESIRES the best for me. I need to seek WISDOM from HIM in the decisions that I make. Look to HIM as the director of my steps. Is there faith in me to listen and obey???

I've been thinking a lot about the future. What I want to do. Where I want to go. Options for where I want my life to go from here. There are many. But I hold back. There have been 2 different opportunities that have made themselves known to me, both still using my teaching, but I don't have direction, and I don't know how to find it. Do I really want to live on the other side of the world?? Can I do the 'living by faith' as far as finances go?? Seeking His wisdom sounds great, but I feel I may be searching in vain (I know its a promise.... ask for wisdom and it WILL be granted....) again. Faith. I look back to when I was in YWAM, I am so different now, I'm disappointed that I am not that person anymore.

I know I push God away. It hurts me that I do. But I do. I am so unworthy of Him.

So I continue to spin my wheels at a crossroads. Funny how when I hit the ditch earlier this week I thought nothing of calling my earthly father to come and get me out and pointed back in the right direction. How is it then that I feel I can't ask my heavenly Father for direction and help as well?

I'm not sure I make sense to myself, so I don't expect to make sense to anyone who may be reading this, but my brain was just full tonight and I needed to unload some of it. Even if it was perhaps a bit too honest to share.

So I'm in the car... pointed in some direction... is it the right one????? Or do I need to make a turn???? I suppose that's the question. I guess I just need to continue to remember that God is not getting out of the car. Maybe I should ask.

one day at a time

Well... I suppose much has happened since the last time I posted here. I have a job now. Which is bittersweet in many ways. I am teaching a 3/4 class. It has been an interesting experience so far to say the least. Besides the 45 minute commute which is SUPERFUN I also have a very challenging group of 8 and 9 year olds to contend with. I have never met a group dynamic like this one. Much of my day is tied up in discipline issues. They are draining on the mind and spirit. There are days that I walk out feeling defeated and wondering what the next day will bring. Each day is different. The students are unpredictable. And in many cases violent. As I said. An INTERESTING group of 8 and 9 year olds. We are trying everything in the book. And we will keep trying. These problems have exsisted since they started in school though, so I'm not sure how much change can really be expected. The problems are so much bigger than me. So much bigger than my experience. So much bigger than my expertise. And many of the issues stem from the homes.... which is beyond anything that I can even begin to tackle. This job will be a learning experience to be sure, and hopefully something positive will come of it. I hoped and prayed for a job for so long, and now I have a real challenge before me, we'll see where this leads I guess. Taking things one day at a time. And hoping for the best.

There is not much in my life besides work right now. I often think of the future and what will happen next. I still feel like I need to go somewhere and do something. But go where? To do what?? I hope that the path will somehow become clear. I often feel that I need more in my life... but I'm not sure what. I've got to be one of the most indecisive people on earth.

I know I need to get out of this house. I am starting to feel crazy here, and it is not where I want to be. My parents are great but I can't live here much longer. Especially when they are home all the time. Time to get some of that independence back. How this next job hunt goes will probably determine a lot. I REALLY HOPE for good things.

The job hunt for next fall will begin soon. I hope it goes more smoothly than the last almost 12 month job hunt.

I still get to church when I can, which has been every other week or so (mostly because of weather issues). I am still challenged by my faith and what it really means to me. And where I fit in this plan. Big questions I guess. I guess what is important is that I know the God I serve. I know He wants to bless me, I know that there are many promises written for me. And I know that it is not about rules and religion, what I do, or what I've done. What matters is today, and where I go from here. The journey continues.

new

Well, well, well...it is January (if you hadn't noticed). I'm fairly psyched that the weather has been non-January like lately though. The less freezing winter days the better in my opinion... spring is coming!!! (ok so its a long way off... but whatever). What have I been up to... well I guess the Christmas season is over, the last 2 weeks have been good, some family stuff and a lot of hanging out, it'll be good to work a bit again next week... and to continue the job hunt I guess. Nothing really exciting in my life lately... just continue being bored. Camp was fun yesterday... but I'm definitly feeling old around there, which I am fine with... I'm ok with being an adult and living my own life (or trying too... some days).

What I hope for this year is change I think. Change in me. Change with me. Maybe a change of location (even if it is slight), a change of occupation (A JOB!!!! PLEASE!!! NO MORE SUBBING!!!). Just change. Good Change. Positive Change. I don't know how it will all play out yet, but I'm hoping. My life seems to be very much in a 'wait and see' stall pattern that is frustrating beyond frustrating. My next wait and see moment is on January 16th... so I will continue to 'wait and see'... I will survive this right???

I went to church tonight. It was awesome. I think I have a church home. It is so good. I picked up the sermon on cd from last week... what a blessing. I knew that I was at this church for a reason, and this sermon confirmed things in my life, and my whole attitude toward church just fits. So neat, I'm definitly listening to it again. When I first started going I was in such a low place, drowning and gasping for air. I didn't know where to turn, but I knew I would be accepted, and I knew there wouldn't be too much pressure at Tim and Pam's church, I knew I didn't want 'Church' but I knew that I NEEDED GOD... this place is one that I can go to without fear, I can still be angry, and frustrated, and sad, and confused, and its ok... God is in that place... and I can go as I am, and He will meet me there. It is not all comfortable or easy, I still get angy during sermons, or whatever, but I stay. I want to be one of the teachable, just open to what God wants. I think I can even say that with some honesty... which goes to show how far I have come. I can't wait for the day that I can burn the journal that I have been screaming into since summer, I never want to read those pages again... but I'm not there yet... one day I will burn it... one day when I am good again.

The sermon tonight was on what to believe and why. What is truth. Good stuff... I don't like doing things just because its 'right' (such as going to church)... so this sermon was very real, down to earth stuff... quality teaching... I should get this cd too... cause I don't remember all the good stuff...

Anyway. Rambling.

Looking forward... and trying not to look back.

Happy New Year

ups and downs

Kay I'm back. I'm on such a roller coaster... it feels a little out of control and I don't know where it is going. So:

The UPS:

• I became an auntie to a beautiful new neice on November 27th... life is good... baby is good... new family is good. I'm definitly a little envious, but it's so good to have a baby in the family close by, it has been a long time.
• I got to spend time with a lot of people that I hadn't seen in a long time during a wedding, the road trip before and after, and at the B-house 'little' christmas get together. It was good times and I appreciated seeing everyone and being encouraged by them and their friendship.
• I got to spend a weekend at camp as a GUEST which was good, and refreshing, it was fun to be 'away' for a little bit and try to forget about life. The speaker was also really good and challenged me. Good times.

The DOWNS:

• I have had two interviews in the last two weeks and have not been offered a job yet. ARG. I am disappointed and sad. I don't know where this is heading.
• I don't know what to do for the rest of winter, do I keep subbing?? Work somewhere else full time? Work somewhere part time? Go away somewhere and try to figure things out?? I'm confused, and overwhelmed, and I want change - but change to what?????
• My life is not where I want it to be and I don't know how to get it there.

I guess my ups and downs sort of even each other out. But I'm getting a little seasick on this ride. The holidays are coming. Here's to looking at the bright side.

Cheers.

so many things

There is so much running through my head... my head is full... I'm not sure I can handle any more thoughts right now... so much processing. I just came from church, I love Saturday evening service, there are less people, I'm so much more alert in the evening, I feel less like the new kid on the block because there are fewer people, and I just like the set-up. Today the message was about 'Where do I go from here?', the end of a series dealing with relationships. The series has been odd for me because as I have mentioned there are a lack of relationships in my life in general (not married, no kids, no work relationships right now etc.) The service was about healing. In relationships especially. Again. I didn't think I had any that really needed mending, not that my life is perfect, but overall in the relationships with other people department things are ok. The message wasn't totally that though. It delved a bit into healing in general. Basically the 'revelation' that God put on me.... He cares.... Its already done... and I need to accept it.... let go of the guilt, the anger, the frustration, the sadness.... and let God in. Jesus did it all on the cross. I need to know that not only in my head, but in my heart. I'm not sure how this will happen, but somehow I know that it will. I wish it was instant. This time it is not going to be though I don't think.... Perseverance. I feel like I need to re-define or re-figure out how to live for God, how to let Him in... and how to let Him work in and through me. There are some serious walls up, I'm not sure how they will come down. But I need to keep trying. That I know. And there is a drive within me to do that and I hope it lasts, and I hope i don't give up, or get too frustrated. I'm on a strange path. I don't know where it is going, I don't see the light at the end, and I hope beyond hope that I don't end up lost in here (whatever place this is) again, cause finding my way out is taking all of me.

I'm holding on to the past, to guilt, to hurts, frustrations, anger, all this yucky stuff... knowing that the past dosn't matter. My future starts today. My slate is wiped clean with God... because that is the kind of God He is, the past dosn't matter. Jesus died for all of it. Why can't I let Him in???? Why am I holding on??? I don't know. But I'll figure it out. Jesus cares for us.

Totally unrelated note: Looking for a position SUCKS. I just got the paper today... and they re-posted positions... that means waiting 2 more weeks until even the possibility of an interview... I DON'T UNDERSTAND.... but my portfolio is with the right person right now, so I need to keep my hopes up for now I guess, this SUCKS. We'll see what happens. I'm so very tired of this, almost ready to give up, but I know that I can't. ARG. Did I mention that this SUCKS????????? Kay I'm done now. Please hope with me that I get a job???!!!! I need all the hope I can get right now. Peace.

movin along

SO. The weekend has gone fairly well. I have come to not like weekends because I don't have enough to do and I get extra bored then but this one wasn't bad. Friday I did nothing (which was very boring), Saturday I printed a whole bunch of pictures cause I want to make an album of them... which I haven't done yet but I will.... and then I went to church for Sat. Evening service. I have been blessed by going to church. I still have a hard time with church. But overall it has been good. This Saturday was harder than it has been in a while, I'm not sure why, but I often feel so suffocated in church, like I can't breath, I get angry and want to scream or hide or some random thing. I'm not sure why this occurs, part of healing I suppose. It kinda sucks, but I'm going to keep trying. The messages for the past number of weeks have been about the 'Healthy Home' and 'Relationships'... it has been a little off for me as I don't have a lot of relationships in my life, I have no husband or children, I have no steady job, I only just began going to church so beyond my friends and family there is not much to go on there. I try not to focus on what does not apply to me though and try to be open to why God wants me there, because I think He does. That is why I go. God is there. Working through the people there. That is why I go. Not because I want church. But because I want God. I'm not having an easy time of it. But I will keep trying. (how many times can I start a sentence with the word BUT before it gets annoying??). ANYWAY. Today I went to Happy Feet, which was cute, then to a Grey Cup party with a bunch of the camp staff, it was good. There were lots of people there that I hadn't seen in a while. Camp people are fun. Anyways that was my weekend (With a bunch of confusing church-talk thrown into the middle there.... sorry... but when I blog I blog) Have a happy day everyone.
Quote of the movie: "Don't push me because I'm close to the edge"...... lol gotta love it....

These are not the words

Harry Lehotsky died this past week. I haven't seen him since the summer of 2004, when I took MUC and MTT teams from camp to stay in his church, work at Lazarus Housing, and rally the neighborhood kids to come and play with us, this was the last of 4 summers that I had the opportunity to either be a part of or lead these teams. How incredible it was. Each experience unique. Each experience impacting my life. Walking through the community with him, sitting in on a community meeting, joining his congregation for Sunday service. Great memoriesHarry was always very accommodating of us, and when he could he made time to share with us his story. It is a unique one. One that I don't think I'm capable of forgetting, I'll forget the details, but I will not forget the message, and I will not forget the passion, and I will not forget the conviction with which he spoke. He was where God wanted him, he knew that, without a doubt. . I hope we all someday find where we fit like that, and not be afraid to go with God, wherever that may be. So this week my thoughts have revolved around this man, and how he impacted my life, his community, the people of his church, his family. I have often thought of him over the past months, knowing that he was slowly saying goodbye to the world that he knew... but now... rejoicing in heaven. In that we are supposed to be thankful, I know that he suffered, I know he is with God, I didn't know that learning of his passing would affect me in this way. I believe it is positive, because Harry's example was positive. I never have the words. Oh well. I was only at his funeral in spirit, part of me wanted to be there, but a bigger part of me didn't want to go alone... as I worked that day my thoughts were there. Its not about me anyway.

So this entry is for Pastor Harry. In remembrance of him, maybe in someway my 'see ya later' to a man who by following God and allowing God to work through him impacted my life and I was changed. I only hope that I can find where God wants me to 'fit', follow without fear, and 'walk the walk'. Pastor Harry left a mark on this earth, and impacted so many, I know I am only one small person in a sea of many who were somehow, in some way touched by his life. I only saw him a few weeks a summer... and yet I will never be the same because of it.

comments and thoughts

So..... here I am... and here are some of my thoughts for the week...

• After tomorrow I will have worked 3 full days this week (this is a good thing...)
• Today was a long day because I didn't really have to do anything at work (there was a student teacher in the room and she pretty much ran the show)
• Grade 3 is an interesting age...
• If you learn math in French it is apparently hard to start learning in English - I was facinated by this fact.
• I am frustrated and tired of being patient when it comes to finding a job... but I guess I'll keep being patient and doing the best I can because that is all I can do for now.
• # of churches attended last weekend: 2
• Seeking: Freedom, Peace