This is what a week off... too much time... and avoiding doing work at all costs gets ya....

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind.You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

What's" Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have low extroversion. You are quiet and reserved in most social situations.A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you.You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people. Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness.Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.Most things in your life are organized and planned well.But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness.You're generally a friendly and trusting person.But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism.You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium.You are generally broad minded when it come to new things.But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it.You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

The'>http://www.blogthings.com/thefivefactorpersonalitytest/">The Five Factor Personality Test

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone.Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people.Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run.No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle.Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings.A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning.You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofsoulareyouquiz/">What Kind of Soul Are You?

not getting out of the car

Decisions, decisions, decisions, that was the title of the sermon tonight.... and I figured... oh great... my favorite topic. I'm not the greatest decision maker out there, I'm pretty lost in this area and completely not good at it at all... little did I know that this particular sermon would stir up so much inside of me, in some sort of re-realization that YES God is with me, and YES I can go forward from here.

So back to it. The gist of the evening? God DESIRES the best for you/me. Does that mean that I will always get the best??? Absolutely not. But that is God's desire. The thing is that it is very much up to us. God dosn't drive the car. I do. Jesus is there in the passenger seat, just waiting to be asked for help or directions or whatever. HE is not going anywhere. I may make a wrong turn, I may go in circles... that dosn't change the fact that God is still there. And that He still desires the best for me, He knows the path I should take, not that I have to backtrack through all of my mistakes and screwups and bad decisions, not at all, I can get on a new route... the best route... the route to a totally devoted relationship with Him from wherever I am. There was a whole visual to go with this.... and I know this is probably hard to follow but I really wanted to write it down tonite.

My path has not always been straight. My path has been fairly messed up the past few years. I have questioned my faith, and in some ways I think I still do. I don't question that there is a God, or that Jesus is real, or even that I am a Christian, but I definitly question what that really means to me and how it is going to shape my life. I was part of a ministry for some time off and on, for about 10 years or so. The last time I worked there was different in many ways, don't get me wrong I look back with some good memories and I definitely have some great friends as a result. But something that sticks out so strongly for me is how profoundly my walk with God, my faith, what I held on to, was changed so drastically, and dramatically so as to bring me to this day almost 3 years later still 'recovering' still figuring it out. It was a milestone that I can't seem to get past, a bridge that I'm stuck on, (insert more sayings here), whatever. It makes me angry in many ways. Angry that I don't know what to do, angry that it is taking so long. I feel so stuck. Its still a ministry that I'd like to be a part of in some way, but why??? Sometimes I think I need to go back, that it will help if I'm there, that direction might come, but I know so definitely that it has absolutely nothing to do with the physical space of that place. Its just a place. Unmoving. Insignificant without people. Its about me. A stuck me. A me that dosn't know what to do next.

God DESIRES the best for me. I need to seek WISDOM from HIM in the decisions that I make. Look to HIM as the director of my steps. Is there faith in me to listen and obey???

I've been thinking a lot about the future. What I want to do. Where I want to go. Options for where I want my life to go from here. There are many. But I hold back. There have been 2 different opportunities that have made themselves known to me, both still using my teaching, but I don't have direction, and I don't know how to find it. Do I really want to live on the other side of the world?? Can I do the 'living by faith' as far as finances go?? Seeking His wisdom sounds great, but I feel I may be searching in vain (I know its a promise.... ask for wisdom and it WILL be granted....) again. Faith. I look back to when I was in YWAM, I am so different now, I'm disappointed that I am not that person anymore.

I know I push God away. It hurts me that I do. But I do. I am so unworthy of Him.

So I continue to spin my wheels at a crossroads. Funny how when I hit the ditch earlier this week I thought nothing of calling my earthly father to come and get me out and pointed back in the right direction. How is it then that I feel I can't ask my heavenly Father for direction and help as well?

I'm not sure I make sense to myself, so I don't expect to make sense to anyone who may be reading this, but my brain was just full tonight and I needed to unload some of it. Even if it was perhaps a bit too honest to share.

So I'm in the car... pointed in some direction... is it the right one????? Or do I need to make a turn???? I suppose that's the question. I guess I just need to continue to remember that God is not getting out of the car. Maybe I should ask.

one day at a time

Well... I suppose much has happened since the last time I posted here. I have a job now. Which is bittersweet in many ways. I am teaching a 3/4 class. It has been an interesting experience so far to say the least. Besides the 45 minute commute which is SUPERFUN I also have a very challenging group of 8 and 9 year olds to contend with. I have never met a group dynamic like this one. Much of my day is tied up in discipline issues. They are draining on the mind and spirit. There are days that I walk out feeling defeated and wondering what the next day will bring. Each day is different. The students are unpredictable. And in many cases violent. As I said. An INTERESTING group of 8 and 9 year olds. We are trying everything in the book. And we will keep trying. These problems have exsisted since they started in school though, so I'm not sure how much change can really be expected. The problems are so much bigger than me. So much bigger than my experience. So much bigger than my expertise. And many of the issues stem from the homes.... which is beyond anything that I can even begin to tackle. This job will be a learning experience to be sure, and hopefully something positive will come of it. I hoped and prayed for a job for so long, and now I have a real challenge before me, we'll see where this leads I guess. Taking things one day at a time. And hoping for the best.

There is not much in my life besides work right now. I often think of the future and what will happen next. I still feel like I need to go somewhere and do something. But go where? To do what?? I hope that the path will somehow become clear. I often feel that I need more in my life... but I'm not sure what. I've got to be one of the most indecisive people on earth.

I know I need to get out of this house. I am starting to feel crazy here, and it is not where I want to be. My parents are great but I can't live here much longer. Especially when they are home all the time. Time to get some of that independence back. How this next job hunt goes will probably determine a lot. I REALLY HOPE for good things.

The job hunt for next fall will begin soon. I hope it goes more smoothly than the last almost 12 month job hunt.

I still get to church when I can, which has been every other week or so (mostly because of weather issues). I am still challenged by my faith and what it really means to me. And where I fit in this plan. Big questions I guess. I guess what is important is that I know the God I serve. I know He wants to bless me, I know that there are many promises written for me. And I know that it is not about rules and religion, what I do, or what I've done. What matters is today, and where I go from here. The journey continues.

new

Well, well, well...it is January (if you hadn't noticed). I'm fairly psyched that the weather has been non-January like lately though. The less freezing winter days the better in my opinion... spring is coming!!! (ok so its a long way off... but whatever). What have I been up to... well I guess the Christmas season is over, the last 2 weeks have been good, some family stuff and a lot of hanging out, it'll be good to work a bit again next week... and to continue the job hunt I guess. Nothing really exciting in my life lately... just continue being bored. Camp was fun yesterday... but I'm definitly feeling old around there, which I am fine with... I'm ok with being an adult and living my own life (or trying too... some days).

What I hope for this year is change I think. Change in me. Change with me. Maybe a change of location (even if it is slight), a change of occupation (A JOB!!!! PLEASE!!! NO MORE SUBBING!!!). Just change. Good Change. Positive Change. I don't know how it will all play out yet, but I'm hoping. My life seems to be very much in a 'wait and see' stall pattern that is frustrating beyond frustrating. My next wait and see moment is on January 16th... so I will continue to 'wait and see'... I will survive this right???

I went to church tonight. It was awesome. I think I have a church home. It is so good. I picked up the sermon on cd from last week... what a blessing. I knew that I was at this church for a reason, and this sermon confirmed things in my life, and my whole attitude toward church just fits. So neat, I'm definitly listening to it again. When I first started going I was in such a low place, drowning and gasping for air. I didn't know where to turn, but I knew I would be accepted, and I knew there wouldn't be too much pressure at Tim and Pam's church, I knew I didn't want 'Church' but I knew that I NEEDED GOD... this place is one that I can go to without fear, I can still be angry, and frustrated, and sad, and confused, and its ok... God is in that place... and I can go as I am, and He will meet me there. It is not all comfortable or easy, I still get angy during sermons, or whatever, but I stay. I want to be one of the teachable, just open to what God wants. I think I can even say that with some honesty... which goes to show how far I have come. I can't wait for the day that I can burn the journal that I have been screaming into since summer, I never want to read those pages again... but I'm not there yet... one day I will burn it... one day when I am good again.

The sermon tonight was on what to believe and why. What is truth. Good stuff... I don't like doing things just because its 'right' (such as going to church)... so this sermon was very real, down to earth stuff... quality teaching... I should get this cd too... cause I don't remember all the good stuff...

Anyway. Rambling.

Looking forward... and trying not to look back.

Happy New Year

ups and downs

Kay I'm back. I'm on such a roller coaster... it feels a little out of control and I don't know where it is going. So:

The UPS:

• I became an auntie to a beautiful new neice on November 27th... life is good... baby is good... new family is good. I'm definitly a little envious, but it's so good to have a baby in the family close by, it has been a long time.
• I got to spend time with a lot of people that I hadn't seen in a long time during a wedding, the road trip before and after, and at the B-house 'little' christmas get together. It was good times and I appreciated seeing everyone and being encouraged by them and their friendship.
• I got to spend a weekend at camp as a GUEST which was good, and refreshing, it was fun to be 'away' for a little bit and try to forget about life. The speaker was also really good and challenged me. Good times.

The DOWNS:

• I have had two interviews in the last two weeks and have not been offered a job yet. ARG. I am disappointed and sad. I don't know where this is heading.
• I don't know what to do for the rest of winter, do I keep subbing?? Work somewhere else full time? Work somewhere part time? Go away somewhere and try to figure things out?? I'm confused, and overwhelmed, and I want change - but change to what?????
• My life is not where I want it to be and I don't know how to get it there.

I guess my ups and downs sort of even each other out. But I'm getting a little seasick on this ride. The holidays are coming. Here's to looking at the bright side.

Cheers.

so many things

There is so much running through my head... my head is full... I'm not sure I can handle any more thoughts right now... so much processing. I just came from church, I love Saturday evening service, there are less people, I'm so much more alert in the evening, I feel less like the new kid on the block because there are fewer people, and I just like the set-up. Today the message was about 'Where do I go from here?', the end of a series dealing with relationships. The series has been odd for me because as I have mentioned there are a lack of relationships in my life in general (not married, no kids, no work relationships right now etc.) The service was about healing. In relationships especially. Again. I didn't think I had any that really needed mending, not that my life is perfect, but overall in the relationships with other people department things are ok. The message wasn't totally that though. It delved a bit into healing in general. Basically the 'revelation' that God put on me.... He cares.... Its already done... and I need to accept it.... let go of the guilt, the anger, the frustration, the sadness.... and let God in. Jesus did it all on the cross. I need to know that not only in my head, but in my heart. I'm not sure how this will happen, but somehow I know that it will. I wish it was instant. This time it is not going to be though I don't think.... Perseverance. I feel like I need to re-define or re-figure out how to live for God, how to let Him in... and how to let Him work in and through me. There are some serious walls up, I'm not sure how they will come down. But I need to keep trying. That I know. And there is a drive within me to do that and I hope it lasts, and I hope i don't give up, or get too frustrated. I'm on a strange path. I don't know where it is going, I don't see the light at the end, and I hope beyond hope that I don't end up lost in here (whatever place this is) again, cause finding my way out is taking all of me.

I'm holding on to the past, to guilt, to hurts, frustrations, anger, all this yucky stuff... knowing that the past dosn't matter. My future starts today. My slate is wiped clean with God... because that is the kind of God He is, the past dosn't matter. Jesus died for all of it. Why can't I let Him in???? Why am I holding on??? I don't know. But I'll figure it out. Jesus cares for us.

Totally unrelated note: Looking for a position SUCKS. I just got the paper today... and they re-posted positions... that means waiting 2 more weeks until even the possibility of an interview... I DON'T UNDERSTAND.... but my portfolio is with the right person right now, so I need to keep my hopes up for now I guess, this SUCKS. We'll see what happens. I'm so very tired of this, almost ready to give up, but I know that I can't. ARG. Did I mention that this SUCKS????????? Kay I'm done now. Please hope with me that I get a job???!!!! I need all the hope I can get right now. Peace.

movin along

SO. The weekend has gone fairly well. I have come to not like weekends because I don't have enough to do and I get extra bored then but this one wasn't bad. Friday I did nothing (which was very boring), Saturday I printed a whole bunch of pictures cause I want to make an album of them... which I haven't done yet but I will.... and then I went to church for Sat. Evening service. I have been blessed by going to church. I still have a hard time with church. But overall it has been good. This Saturday was harder than it has been in a while, I'm not sure why, but I often feel so suffocated in church, like I can't breath, I get angry and want to scream or hide or some random thing. I'm not sure why this occurs, part of healing I suppose. It kinda sucks, but I'm going to keep trying. The messages for the past number of weeks have been about the 'Healthy Home' and 'Relationships'... it has been a little off for me as I don't have a lot of relationships in my life, I have no husband or children, I have no steady job, I only just began going to church so beyond my friends and family there is not much to go on there. I try not to focus on what does not apply to me though and try to be open to why God wants me there, because I think He does. That is why I go. God is there. Working through the people there. That is why I go. Not because I want church. But because I want God. I'm not having an easy time of it. But I will keep trying. (how many times can I start a sentence with the word BUT before it gets annoying??). ANYWAY. Today I went to Happy Feet, which was cute, then to a Grey Cup party with a bunch of the camp staff, it was good. There were lots of people there that I hadn't seen in a while. Camp people are fun. Anyways that was my weekend (With a bunch of confusing church-talk thrown into the middle there.... sorry... but when I blog I blog) Have a happy day everyone.
Quote of the movie: "Don't push me because I'm close to the edge"...... lol gotta love it....

These are not the words

Harry Lehotsky died this past week. I haven't seen him since the summer of 2004, when I took MUC and MTT teams from camp to stay in his church, work at Lazarus Housing, and rally the neighborhood kids to come and play with us, this was the last of 4 summers that I had the opportunity to either be a part of or lead these teams. How incredible it was. Each experience unique. Each experience impacting my life. Walking through the community with him, sitting in on a community meeting, joining his congregation for Sunday service. Great memoriesHarry was always very accommodating of us, and when he could he made time to share with us his story. It is a unique one. One that I don't think I'm capable of forgetting, I'll forget the details, but I will not forget the message, and I will not forget the passion, and I will not forget the conviction with which he spoke. He was where God wanted him, he knew that, without a doubt. . I hope we all someday find where we fit like that, and not be afraid to go with God, wherever that may be. So this week my thoughts have revolved around this man, and how he impacted my life, his community, the people of his church, his family. I have often thought of him over the past months, knowing that he was slowly saying goodbye to the world that he knew... but now... rejoicing in heaven. In that we are supposed to be thankful, I know that he suffered, I know he is with God, I didn't know that learning of his passing would affect me in this way. I believe it is positive, because Harry's example was positive. I never have the words. Oh well. I was only at his funeral in spirit, part of me wanted to be there, but a bigger part of me didn't want to go alone... as I worked that day my thoughts were there. Its not about me anyway.

So this entry is for Pastor Harry. In remembrance of him, maybe in someway my 'see ya later' to a man who by following God and allowing God to work through him impacted my life and I was changed. I only hope that I can find where God wants me to 'fit', follow without fear, and 'walk the walk'. Pastor Harry left a mark on this earth, and impacted so many, I know I am only one small person in a sea of many who were somehow, in some way touched by his life. I only saw him a few weeks a summer... and yet I will never be the same because of it.

comments and thoughts

So..... here I am... and here are some of my thoughts for the week...

• After tomorrow I will have worked 3 full days this week (this is a good thing...)
• Today was a long day because I didn't really have to do anything at work (there was a student teacher in the room and she pretty much ran the show)
• Grade 3 is an interesting age...
• If you learn math in French it is apparently hard to start learning in English - I was facinated by this fact.
• I am frustrated and tired of being patient when it comes to finding a job... but I guess I'll keep being patient and doing the best I can because that is all I can do for now.
• # of churches attended last weekend: 2
• Seeking: Freedom, Peace

nothing better to do...

SO, I'm bored, which is not that unusual, I also just had a large T.H. coffee and considering that I don't really drink coffee all that often that means I will be fairly alert for some time to come... so here goes a survey... just cause I have nothing better to do for the moment...

Who was the last person you...
1. You hung out with? Talking with Pam tonight... that sort of counts
2. Rode in a car with?Lots by myself recently, but most likely Dave... I'm a bit of a taxi service somedays.
3. Went to the movies with?No Idea, its been a while
4. You went to the mall with? ummm, don't know.... don't spend much time at the mall.
6. You talked on the phone/IMed to? Umm, a principal of a school... asking me to work.
7. Made you laugh? My own stupidity.

W O U L D . Y O U . R A T H E R?
1. Pierce your nose or tongue?nose
2. Be serious or be funny?Vewwy vewwy sewious
3. Drink whole or skim milk?:skim- but I don't really care.
4. Die in a fire or drown?ummm, lets say neither
5. Spend time with your parents or enemies?:Parents, though I think I do enough of that.

A N S W E R. T R U T H F U L L Y.1.
Do you like anyone? well, people in general I suppose.

Y O U . P R E F E R.
1. Sun or moon?:Sun. I like sunshine! But the moon can be fun too
2. Winter or Fall?Fall... mostly cause I hate winter
.3. left or right?Right?
4. 10 acquaintances or two best friends?Two best friends.
5. Sunny or rain? Sun, but rain is nice once in a while
6. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?ummm probably vanilla if I had to choose

.A B O U T . Y O U.
1. What time is it?11:25 (how is that about me?
2. First Name?:Heather
3. What do you want to do? Teach, go on a warm vacation, spend time with fun people
4. Where do you wanna live?:negotiable
5. How many kids do you want?also negotiable
6. Do you want to get married?Yes. Someday
7. what do you like on your pizza? No pineapple
8. Can you cross your eyes?Not skillfully
9. Do you make your bed daily?Nope
.
R A N D O M.
1. Which shoe goes on first? I'm thinking the right one... never really thought about it though
!2. Ever thrown a shoe at someone?'I'm thinking yes
3. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?Twirl
.4. Have you ever eaten Spam? Yes.
3. Favorite ice cream? Peppermint... but you can only find it at Christmas
4. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet?Not sure.
5. Current mood? Ummm, a little discouraged.----

IN . THE. LAST. 48 HOURS. HAVE. YOU.
1. kissed some one? Nope
2. Sang?Yes
3. Been hugged:No
4. Felt stupid:Yes.
5. Missed Someone:Yes
6. Danced Crazy?No
7. Gotten your hair cut?No
8. Cried:Yes

S T U F F .
1. do you have a Dog? There is a decreped dog that lives here but she's not really mine.
2. When's the last time you've been sledding?Probably last winter
3. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone? I pretty much like my bed... but maybe someday
.4. Do you believe in ghosts?Umm no.
5. Do you consider yourself creative? Maybe in some way... not sure I've found it yet


All you ever wanted to know and more... have a great weekend everybody.

today

So, once again I'm back, it actually hasn't been all that long, maybe I'll get more regular with this blogging thing (no promises though). What have I been up to? More substitute teaching... fun fun... the other day I was in a grade 1 class, it was actually pretty good as in grade 1 if you are the teacher you are pretty darn special. Kids are so funny, we were learning about the number 5, and let me tell ya, that was a challenge as many had not quite mastered 1-4... I'm thinking I might go crazy if I taught grade 1 but it was fun for a couple of hours.

Lets see... what else... I went to a wedding in Minnesota, that was pretty fun, lots of craziness and I was very tired after this short 'vacation' but it was worth it, I don't go many places these days so it was good to be 'away' for a few days.

Most profound learning as of late: the past dosn't matter, how I got to where I am dosn't matter, everything behind dosn't matter what matters is where I am at today and where I go from here. What matters is today. Start today. No judgement. Just today.

So here I am. Where I am. Today.

ok

OK, so this blog thing tends to turn into a rant about life in general and nothing too specific. I think this is just how my mind works... my brain moves quickly and I can't seem to say what I want to say in a way that makes sense and how others can percieve it correctly... especially when speaking... at least when I write it out it has half a chance because I can try... and sometimes fail... to say what I want to say.

So. Update. I am officially a not very busy substitute teacher. This is not a lifelong career choice for me that's for sure. Granted it is easy, and relatively stress free... and I like the 'no homework' part of it. But I really miss having my own class, and having a group of students to care about every day. There are some terrible classes (especially in high school... no offence to any high school agers out there... I like you as people... I'm just not so much into teaching high school classes... though it may be different if I were there full time) ANYWAY. At least I know that I don't want to be a high school teacher. Its good to learn such things. Work is work. And I'm waiting for some mat leaves to start so I can apply for some more jobs... time will tell where this year will lead.

So. I went to church last week. Actually it has been two consecutive weeks in a row (It has been probably a couple years since that has happened). Its been good. Its a bit of a drive as I chose to go out of the local communities, but its good. I feel ok there. And I can sneak in and out fairly quietly if I want to. I've had a love/hate relationship with the concept and all the extras and socialness (not a word... so what) of church. I've decided that it is not church that I want. It is God that I want. Simple. I don't necessarily want all the drama and relationships and pressure to fit some mold that dosn't really exist but people expect. I want simple. It has been that way all along. But I'm trying to define what that means to me, and how that looks and what it really involves. Perhaps I'm way off base in all my thinking (call me on it if you want). Its been a strange winding and bumpy road. I feel like it has been an uphill battle for some time, its my own fault... human as I am.... doubting as I am... I'm ok with it, its my journey, and I suppose really the only person that needs to understand it is me. I'm not yet where I should be, but perhaps I might get back on track, I've been a little lost in the woods... I need some Christmas lights on the trail. Healing takes time, but I'm choosing to be proactive in it, and try to make some positive changes that hopefully will lead to good things. I'm a different person than I once was, and I think that's ok too, though some days I struggle with the change and wonder what happened. Sometimes scars are permanent. I'm hoping to come out stronger on the other side. I definitly feel like the only person in the world who struggles with this, though in my head I know I'm not (but how come no one ever talks about the hard stuff of faith???? Why is it always sunshine and rainbows and just look to God and everything will be great???.......AHHHHHHHHHH.) Life happens. God is always good. But life still happens.

Here I am. Spilling all this nonsense online (at least its an optional read right??). Here I am. Ok.

more

It's been a while.... maybe I should catch up.
Let me see, the last few months have been full of good, bad, ugly, happiness, sadness, disappointment, despair and confusion. On some scale all of those have been present. Right now I am somewhere in between, and it changes fairly regularily and sporadically, which keeps me on my toes because I never really know whats coming next.
I finished my school year with my students strong, I enjoyed it greatly and I became more relaxed and had fun with my kids. I find myself unemployed for the fall as of today and greatly frustrated about it. This has not been an easy journey, and I struggle with what I am supposed to be learning from all of this, and I struggle with how I am going to get through it some days. I very much identified myself with my job, and thinking about not doing it again is sad to me (not that I will never teach again... but I'm just not sure how this journey is going to unfold for me) I watch others, friends, getting the jobs and that is hard, but part of the game I suppose.
I don't know where I am going, I don't know where I should go, decisions don't come easy to me at the best of times, and this certainly isnt' the best of times. I often wonder about the person that I have become over the past few years. I'm not sure who I am supposed to be. There have been different versions of me through the years, versions of who I am, what I believe in, and why. The person I was before seems so distant. I don't know what it is to rely on faith, and there is so much doubt in my life. I hate fakeness, and I don't want to do things or feel things, or believe things that change. I don't want to be a certain way because others might expect it, I want to do it for me, I don't want to be closed off from non-christians in judgement as so many are. Where will I find a balance between my worlds? Will I find a balance? Is balance possible? Hard to say. My foundation is cracked... I'm not sure how it happened, but the damage is done and renovations are not going to be easy.
I watch and listen to others who have a faith so strong (or so it appears on the outside) and I see I've grown to be different. Its a strange feeling and I'm not sure I long to be that person, though I'm not sure. Once again. Don't know. Surprise, surprise. I've spent time in reflection this summer, though I'm not sure where it has gotten me. My time at camp was theraputic, it was quiet (if that is possible... somehow it was) and there were minimal demands on my time, and minimal stress. I couldn't have dealt with stress at that point in the summer so it was good. Above all, it was almost painfully quiet, I dread quiet, I live for distraction, so quiet was hard and good all at the same time. Camp is good. I'm thankful that they let me be there. Without question or judgement as I worked through the worst of my struggle this summer.
So my ramble brings me to now... wanting more, but not knowing what more is, more of what???? Space? Time? Direction? Distraction? Peace? Laughter? I just know that I desire much and I can't define it. My journey lies hidden to me, but I know will unfold in time (it has to right?)
So here I am. More than disappointed, more than sad, more than frustrated, more than confused, more than angry. Just more. Here I am. Wanting more....

restless

I'm not sure why this blog is such a journal, things that I wouldn't normally talk about seem to have there place here where the world may read them (though I'm fairly sure the world dosn't cause lets face it I'm not that interesting) Anyway I have officially been living in one spot for more than a year. This hasn't happened in about 8 years. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I'm not sure my life is where I want it to be. I feel like I'm going backwards in many ways though I know that I am on a path - one that most days I may not understand - but a path nonetheless. My indifference continues, but there is an added restlessness, a need for change. A change of what I'm not yet sure - space? location? mindset? scenery? paintcolor? shoes? people? Who knows... time will tell. I am unsatisfied in my indifference. My 'lukewarmness' if you will. I recently read some prose that clearly defined what it is that I am feeling, the gist of it was that - standing on a cliff, and on one side there are people struggling and barely hanging on, on the other side, people free, jumping and soaring, and then there is me in the middle. Not struggling with major issues, but not free, and not soaring, not victorious. I have lost much in this battle of the last year and a half. It has left me in the middle. Lukewarm, with lack of vision, and lack of passion. What a gross place to be. But I don't know where my mind is and therefore do not know the course to changing it.... yet anyways. So I will continue. In restlessness, that will inevitably turn to urgency, to move out of the this place of indifference.
I will look on the bright side... and I will look up.
Peace.

indifference

February is over, thank goodness, each day that passes is one day closer to summer and I can hardly wait for the snow to melt. Not because of any big plans because I actually have none at this point, I just want winter to be over. Winter is cold, and dark, and snowy, and I often feel trapped by these elements (maybe I should move?) probably won't happen. Anyways it is now the 3rd day of March, so things are looking up (except for all the snow that keeps falling down). I'll try not to parrallel anything to driving today however, although my 'adventures' continue, living out here in the sticks, the parrallels will probably get less and less effective, even in my own mind.

So this is my life, I get up, go to work, come home, there is the occasional meeting, and the odd trip to the gym, out for coffee or shopping, but basically, my life is work, and I am indifferent. Things are ok there. Not great, but ok. I am definitly feeling the pressure to find another job for next year, patience, patience. Something permanent would be nice. Anyways, work will happen. It is not just work, it is life that I am indifferent to, and on some level, my own faith, and God. This is a scary position. Not sure what to do about it. I don't think indifference is a good place to be but that is the best word that I have to describe it right now.

I have no incredible stories to tell, no amazing revelations, or inspiring prose. What can I say? It has been winter. A season. I just figured I hadn't posted in a while, so why not, however uninspiring these words may be.

My mind is jumbled with work.... so I will end this ramble.

One step at a time..... hopefully on a path out of indifference. Peace.

once again

"It smells like McDonalds apple pie, I like their pie it is good" -a student... completely random... I think we were doing math at the time... kids are funny. I try to keep laughing.

A new year. I don't really like the idea of resolutions, so I choose not to make them, but I do like to make decisions, in a hope that a decision will be worth more. Time will tell.

So last week I tried to get out of the yard and there was a really big snowdrift that had blown across the lane. I knew immediately that even though I was driving my fun new little SUV this drift was likely to prove to be a little too much. It was tall. And long. But I had to try, it was dark out and there was no one up yet, I would have to get myself stuck and then call for help. That is exactly what I did, I took a run at it... made it about half way and was hung up. 4 Wheel Drive dosn't help much if your wheels are off the ground. Much to my liking my phone decided that there was service out here that morning and I was able to call the house for help (I didn't even have to walk anywhere!) My rescue was a couple minutes, a tractor, and a tug away. It was fairly quick and painless. The point of telling the story? Sometimes you can't do it on your own. I'm not really one to ask for help if I can help it, when it comes to things like getting unstuck I have no problem, but if there is a chance that I can do things on my own I probably will. Or at least I'll try. This is not a good trait when it comes to faith. I'm not supposed to do it all on my own. I'm thinking quite the opposite in fact, sometimes it's ok to be rescued, and sometimes its ok to make mistakes, and sometimes its ok to get some help for along the way.

Sometimes it takes perseverence. Diligence. Endurance. Strength. Discipline. I parallel once again to driving. Monday morning I wake up to 15cm of new snow piled on my lovely Ford. I was not expecting snow so was a little put aback. I turned on the radio just in case I was in luck and school was cancelled. No such luck. I ventured out. The snow was deep, but drivable. (Why do I live here???) Some other brave soul had been the first one down the road and made a track (thank goodness). It took power to get to work that day 4X4 was a real blessing. My point? I hope I have one! Life isn't always easy, but there is a path laid out before you, and although it may take power, patience, perseverence, getting stuck, and it may be hard at times, it may downright suck at times, and though you may loose sight of the road at times and veer off, if you keep your eyes fixed on the destination, eventually you will get there. Never alone. I hope that I take my own off kilter parallels and remind my self of all of these things.

Once Again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside.
Once again I thank You.

.... and someday soon I hope to be able to finish the song with honest sincereity.

Peace.

interesting and not all at once

Just found this... looked like fun and I haven't posted in a while... so figured what the heck. I think it actually rings true for me for the most part. Perhaps it will for you too!

Your Birthdate: June 6

You tend to be a the rock in relationships - people depend on you.Thoughtful and caring, you often put others needs first.You aren't content to help those you know... you want to give to the world.An idealist, you strive for positive change and dream about how much better things could be. Your strength: Your intuition Your weakness: You put yourself last Your power color: Rose Your power symbol: Cloud Your power month: June

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanquiz/">What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

first

First real job.
First real classroom of my own.
First report cards written.
First parent interviews.
First meetings.
First issues to solve (new ones everyday).
First formal evalulation.
First paycheck (in a while anyways).
First vehicle of my own (finally!!)
The past two and a half months have been crazy. It has been up and down and sideways, up one wall across the ceiling and down the other and back again. There are days that are long and hard and there are days that are fun and things go well. There is a balance to be found between work and life - and apparently they are not the same thing. I continue to be challenged at work but it is getting easier. There is just so much to learn still and so much to do everyday. It is an overwhelming job most days. I continue to try to live in the moment with a drive towards seeing the 'big picture' (and if someone would tell me a little more specifically what the heck that means life would be good).
Life is good and I guess I can't complain. I have a lot going for me and things could be far worse. I am truly thankful to be where I am, fumbling through the present and seeking out the future. One step and one 'first' at a time.

new every morning

Ah, the challenges of a new lifestyle, a new job, a new routine. An adjustment. The learning never stops. I stand in front of 23 young young people everyday and try to accomplish something... with them? within them? I suppose the goal would be to make each and every day meaningful in some way, to have minimal time wasted and to be eager to build relationships. There is so much more to teaching than curriculum, but as a new teacher it is hard to see the big picture, to see beyond today, tomorrow, this week. I'm learning to live in the moment. To try to do the best I can with the time and the energy that I have, and to hope that in 'the big picture' it is all worth it.
I will continue to search for the perspective that I need, the vision for this year, for my life, and for my students. No matter what happens each day, whatever it brings, each day is different. Tomorrow there will be a new morning, with new challenges and new triumphs. I will not dwell on what was but on each day as new. New every morning... Great is Thy faithfulness...

borrowed faith

The summer has gone by... so slow and yet so fast all at the same time. My "career" begins in a few days. A surreal feeling. It is good. The stress will begin soon enough.

I think I've grown this summer, and have learnt new things about myself, both who I am, and who it is that I want to be. Though I haven't done anything profoundly interesting or life-changing I am progressing through this transition time in my life and I am learning to accept all the good things that have come my way (feels strange to think that I have to learn to accept good... but that's how I see it). I couldn't ask for it to be different or better, all the doors were swung open for me to jump right though, it's an exciting new journey that I am thrilled (most days) to be on.

I was tremendously encouraged by all of my favorite camp people... Lisa E.... haha... had to mention you cause you said I should. What an awesome privilege to know and work with these people. I am continually inspired. I feel as if I'm borrowing their faith for the time being... as mine seems hard to find... and though you don't know it... I'm riding on all of ya'all's unwaivering faith, for that I thank you. So... while I keep looking for my own... I will be walking with borrowed faith. Till next time. Peace.