disappointment and distraction

The end of the summer is once again coming. Or the end of August I guess and that to me is sort of the end of summer. It has gone quickly. It has been ok. Not great, but ok. I find myself once again still unemployed, this is a source of great disappointment for me. I don't understand what it has to be this way. I don't know where I am supposed to be and I feel as if I am not where I am meant to be in this world at this time. It is very frustrating and I don't know how to change it but to keep going and to try and make the best of a yucky situation.

I have been greatly encouraged and lifted by distraction as of late. I find my home consuming and drowning. It is very difficult for me to be here so I welcome the opportunity to leave for periods of time. I am frustrated by the fact that I can't seem to handle more than a few days of intense activities of other kinds however. My inner 'demons' seem to be winning some days and it is incredibly scary for me to face this reality. I thought this was a thing of the past, apparently it is not, though it is not the same as the past, it is real, it is frustrating, infuriating, and consuming. I have only in the past couple of days truly realized the magnitude of what I am experiencing. But perhaps by accepting it I can begin to overcome. I was free once before, I need desperately to be free again, I don't know how I can do this everyday. I need healing in my life, thank goodness I believe in a God that has already overcome, that has already healed... Facing this God is not easy. I get angry so quickly, I don't truly understand but I do my best to push through it because I know this 'anger' I feel when it is only me and God is not from Him. If anyone actually reads this (and I'm ok with the fact that no one really does... cause its good just to write it)... but if you do... pray. Cause I'm tired of fighting this on my own.

So I continue to look for distraction. My previous distraction was a bit of a healing experience, it was very very good, God is good, I wish that is could have continued but perhaps it is not about the physical 'place'. Tomorrow I leave for a few more days of distraction in a different place, where many people know me, and I in many ways am not looking forward to that part of it, the expectations, and views of who I am. I don't know what will come of it, no expectations helps because I am less disappointed in the end.

So I continue in search of direction for my life. I hope it is not a series of distractions. I need to move on, away from disappointment, and to something bigger than distraction.

Searching for Peace. Please let it come.

travel

It had been over 7 years since I really went somewhere... so I'm glad that I made the decision to go to Alaska this summer. I spent about 8 or 9 nine days on Kodiak Island Alaska, it was a good time of exploring, relaxing, fishing, taking lots of pictures, and hanging out. Kodiak is a beautiful island, and my friend Abby was a great tour guide. It was a great opportunity to get out. The highlight was probably going out fishing for a day, I caught a Halibut that was over 100lbs. It was very fun, and a good, once in a lifetime type of opportunity. I enjoyed the ocean and the mountains thoroughly. We stayed pretty busy during my time there, hiking around, shopping, visiting different beaches, and meeting and spending time with Abby's family, and of course eating more fish and seafood than I normally would in a year. Alaska was good times.
Now I'm back in Manitoba... wondering what I'm going to do next again. Still unemployed, still trying to figure it out, and playing the waiting game in many ways. So I continue to wait... for now anyways... but with anticipation for change in my life, if it dosn't come I will create that change for myself...
Peace.

what to do

This is my neice Rylee, she is pretty stinking cute. She will be 8 months old at the end of July and is already crawling all over the place. Little monkey. She's fun to watch, added entertainment to the family for sure.

So summer is rolling along. I am finding myself bored already. I'm not really sure what to do with my time at this point. I'm not sure if I'm going to get to go away anywhere. It's pretty expensive for someone without a job to just take off, it seems reckless to spend money like that. We'll see. I need to decide soon though because my opportunity will soon be gone.

So I have nothing really interesting to report... just thought I'd blog to end some boredness... we'll see what happens tomorrow!

almost

I can't believe its been 2 months since I last wrote on this blog. I am one of those bloggers where it dosn't really matter if anyone reads it I guess, and I'm fairly certain there are no regular readers anyway.

So the school year is almost over, I thought this time may never get here. I definitly have some mixed emotions about this experience. It has been hard. Definitly the hardest job I have ever had in my life so far. I have been stretched, drained, frustrated, and in between there have been bits that have been ok. I've never had a job where I went home defeated, and exhausted, almost every day. A job where I have cried before work, during work, and after work because many times it was just too much, I felt alone, and I didn't know what to do to to make it work better. This is definitly the most I have ever questioned my decision to teach. I have also learned a lot. Grown a lot as a person and as a professional. In the big picture I know that this has been a good experience for me and has shaped me in some way. Hopefully I will take something good from this experience. And so it is mixed feelings that I have in leaving the school I am at. Even though my future is very uncertain at this point (I may be unemployed very soon) I have a definite peace about my decision not to apply for the second part of this term, and somehow I know that things will work as they should. 5 more days.

Otherwise things are ok. I'm happy that it is summer, I like having no real plans and I hope to fill my days with some fun and relaxing activities see what happens or what I am driven to for the fall. I know for sure that I need to move soon though. I really really need my own space. It'll depend on the job for fall a bit and if I maybe decide to go away for a while next winter or something which is an idea rolling around in my head.

I'll try not to wait 2 months to post, and with summer here I will have more time. The end is in sight. Peace all.

stretched

God is not going to give me more than I can handle. This is the message that hit home for me tonite at VFC. The message was good, a life story, a journey. It definitely helped me to reflect on my own jouney, and realize (again) that I am not alone. I am not the only one who struggles with this journey, this life. Yes I am in a struggle with God, yes I am in a struggle with my own faith and where I stand, yes I am in a struggle seeking the next step, the missing piece to the puzzle, the step towards where ever it is that I am headed.

My job right now makes me a little crazy. I am stressed. I leave defeated some days (though thankfully not all days). There are challenges and new situations to be faced every single day. It is exhausting. I care about what I am doing and the people that I am affecting and I think that makes it even more stressful. I want the best. I am learning about myself. I am changing. I'm not sure if its a good change or a negative one, and its possible that it is a little of both. It is very difficult to try to meet everyone's needs when there are so very many. This job has 'pushed' me closer to God, because I CAN NOT do this on my own. There is no way. Without God as the one who takes my cares and my troubles, who hears my pleas... I would be lost.

I don't know what is next. The feeling is not comfortable. All I know is that there is MORE. I don't know how to get it, or where I will find it, I don't know the path that I will take to get there. In the testimony shared tonite it was 2 years of prayer and the same answer before anything came to fruition, until things came together. I suppose there is something to be said for persistence. I'm not sure I'm in a place where I can pray that prayer where my life is surrendered, all of me surrendered. I'm not sure it would be honest. Its a scary prayer. Even with the assurance that God will not give me more than I can handle... I may be stretched, but I won't snap.

I need to hold on to that for the next 2 months... to get me through... fur survival purposes. To not just exist but to do what I need to do with conviction and strength.

Stretched. And near (in my opinion anyway) my limit.

This is what a week off... too much time... and avoiding doing work at all costs gets ya....

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind.You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

What's" Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have low extroversion. You are quiet and reserved in most social situations.A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you.You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people. Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness.Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.Most things in your life are organized and planned well.But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness.You're generally a friendly and trusting person.But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism.You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium.You are generally broad minded when it come to new things.But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it.You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

The'>http://www.blogthings.com/thefivefactorpersonalitytest/">The Five Factor Personality Test

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone.Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people.Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run.No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle.Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings.A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning.You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofsoulareyouquiz/">What Kind of Soul Are You?

not getting out of the car

Decisions, decisions, decisions, that was the title of the sermon tonight.... and I figured... oh great... my favorite topic. I'm not the greatest decision maker out there, I'm pretty lost in this area and completely not good at it at all... little did I know that this particular sermon would stir up so much inside of me, in some sort of re-realization that YES God is with me, and YES I can go forward from here.

So back to it. The gist of the evening? God DESIRES the best for you/me. Does that mean that I will always get the best??? Absolutely not. But that is God's desire. The thing is that it is very much up to us. God dosn't drive the car. I do. Jesus is there in the passenger seat, just waiting to be asked for help or directions or whatever. HE is not going anywhere. I may make a wrong turn, I may go in circles... that dosn't change the fact that God is still there. And that He still desires the best for me, He knows the path I should take, not that I have to backtrack through all of my mistakes and screwups and bad decisions, not at all, I can get on a new route... the best route... the route to a totally devoted relationship with Him from wherever I am. There was a whole visual to go with this.... and I know this is probably hard to follow but I really wanted to write it down tonite.

My path has not always been straight. My path has been fairly messed up the past few years. I have questioned my faith, and in some ways I think I still do. I don't question that there is a God, or that Jesus is real, or even that I am a Christian, but I definitly question what that really means to me and how it is going to shape my life. I was part of a ministry for some time off and on, for about 10 years or so. The last time I worked there was different in many ways, don't get me wrong I look back with some good memories and I definitely have some great friends as a result. But something that sticks out so strongly for me is how profoundly my walk with God, my faith, what I held on to, was changed so drastically, and dramatically so as to bring me to this day almost 3 years later still 'recovering' still figuring it out. It was a milestone that I can't seem to get past, a bridge that I'm stuck on, (insert more sayings here), whatever. It makes me angry in many ways. Angry that I don't know what to do, angry that it is taking so long. I feel so stuck. Its still a ministry that I'd like to be a part of in some way, but why??? Sometimes I think I need to go back, that it will help if I'm there, that direction might come, but I know so definitely that it has absolutely nothing to do with the physical space of that place. Its just a place. Unmoving. Insignificant without people. Its about me. A stuck me. A me that dosn't know what to do next.

God DESIRES the best for me. I need to seek WISDOM from HIM in the decisions that I make. Look to HIM as the director of my steps. Is there faith in me to listen and obey???

I've been thinking a lot about the future. What I want to do. Where I want to go. Options for where I want my life to go from here. There are many. But I hold back. There have been 2 different opportunities that have made themselves known to me, both still using my teaching, but I don't have direction, and I don't know how to find it. Do I really want to live on the other side of the world?? Can I do the 'living by faith' as far as finances go?? Seeking His wisdom sounds great, but I feel I may be searching in vain (I know its a promise.... ask for wisdom and it WILL be granted....) again. Faith. I look back to when I was in YWAM, I am so different now, I'm disappointed that I am not that person anymore.

I know I push God away. It hurts me that I do. But I do. I am so unworthy of Him.

So I continue to spin my wheels at a crossroads. Funny how when I hit the ditch earlier this week I thought nothing of calling my earthly father to come and get me out and pointed back in the right direction. How is it then that I feel I can't ask my heavenly Father for direction and help as well?

I'm not sure I make sense to myself, so I don't expect to make sense to anyone who may be reading this, but my brain was just full tonight and I needed to unload some of it. Even if it was perhaps a bit too honest to share.

So I'm in the car... pointed in some direction... is it the right one????? Or do I need to make a turn???? I suppose that's the question. I guess I just need to continue to remember that God is not getting out of the car. Maybe I should ask.

one day at a time

Well... I suppose much has happened since the last time I posted here. I have a job now. Which is bittersweet in many ways. I am teaching a 3/4 class. It has been an interesting experience so far to say the least. Besides the 45 minute commute which is SUPERFUN I also have a very challenging group of 8 and 9 year olds to contend with. I have never met a group dynamic like this one. Much of my day is tied up in discipline issues. They are draining on the mind and spirit. There are days that I walk out feeling defeated and wondering what the next day will bring. Each day is different. The students are unpredictable. And in many cases violent. As I said. An INTERESTING group of 8 and 9 year olds. We are trying everything in the book. And we will keep trying. These problems have exsisted since they started in school though, so I'm not sure how much change can really be expected. The problems are so much bigger than me. So much bigger than my experience. So much bigger than my expertise. And many of the issues stem from the homes.... which is beyond anything that I can even begin to tackle. This job will be a learning experience to be sure, and hopefully something positive will come of it. I hoped and prayed for a job for so long, and now I have a real challenge before me, we'll see where this leads I guess. Taking things one day at a time. And hoping for the best.

There is not much in my life besides work right now. I often think of the future and what will happen next. I still feel like I need to go somewhere and do something. But go where? To do what?? I hope that the path will somehow become clear. I often feel that I need more in my life... but I'm not sure what. I've got to be one of the most indecisive people on earth.

I know I need to get out of this house. I am starting to feel crazy here, and it is not where I want to be. My parents are great but I can't live here much longer. Especially when they are home all the time. Time to get some of that independence back. How this next job hunt goes will probably determine a lot. I REALLY HOPE for good things.

The job hunt for next fall will begin soon. I hope it goes more smoothly than the last almost 12 month job hunt.

I still get to church when I can, which has been every other week or so (mostly because of weather issues). I am still challenged by my faith and what it really means to me. And where I fit in this plan. Big questions I guess. I guess what is important is that I know the God I serve. I know He wants to bless me, I know that there are many promises written for me. And I know that it is not about rules and religion, what I do, or what I've done. What matters is today, and where I go from here. The journey continues.

new

Well, well, well...it is January (if you hadn't noticed). I'm fairly psyched that the weather has been non-January like lately though. The less freezing winter days the better in my opinion... spring is coming!!! (ok so its a long way off... but whatever). What have I been up to... well I guess the Christmas season is over, the last 2 weeks have been good, some family stuff and a lot of hanging out, it'll be good to work a bit again next week... and to continue the job hunt I guess. Nothing really exciting in my life lately... just continue being bored. Camp was fun yesterday... but I'm definitly feeling old around there, which I am fine with... I'm ok with being an adult and living my own life (or trying too... some days).

What I hope for this year is change I think. Change in me. Change with me. Maybe a change of location (even if it is slight), a change of occupation (A JOB!!!! PLEASE!!! NO MORE SUBBING!!!). Just change. Good Change. Positive Change. I don't know how it will all play out yet, but I'm hoping. My life seems to be very much in a 'wait and see' stall pattern that is frustrating beyond frustrating. My next wait and see moment is on January 16th... so I will continue to 'wait and see'... I will survive this right???

I went to church tonight. It was awesome. I think I have a church home. It is so good. I picked up the sermon on cd from last week... what a blessing. I knew that I was at this church for a reason, and this sermon confirmed things in my life, and my whole attitude toward church just fits. So neat, I'm definitly listening to it again. When I first started going I was in such a low place, drowning and gasping for air. I didn't know where to turn, but I knew I would be accepted, and I knew there wouldn't be too much pressure at Tim and Pam's church, I knew I didn't want 'Church' but I knew that I NEEDED GOD... this place is one that I can go to without fear, I can still be angry, and frustrated, and sad, and confused, and its ok... God is in that place... and I can go as I am, and He will meet me there. It is not all comfortable or easy, I still get angy during sermons, or whatever, but I stay. I want to be one of the teachable, just open to what God wants. I think I can even say that with some honesty... which goes to show how far I have come. I can't wait for the day that I can burn the journal that I have been screaming into since summer, I never want to read those pages again... but I'm not there yet... one day I will burn it... one day when I am good again.

The sermon tonight was on what to believe and why. What is truth. Good stuff... I don't like doing things just because its 'right' (such as going to church)... so this sermon was very real, down to earth stuff... quality teaching... I should get this cd too... cause I don't remember all the good stuff...

Anyway. Rambling.

Looking forward... and trying not to look back.

Happy New Year

ups and downs

Kay I'm back. I'm on such a roller coaster... it feels a little out of control and I don't know where it is going. So:

The UPS:

• I became an auntie to a beautiful new neice on November 27th... life is good... baby is good... new family is good. I'm definitly a little envious, but it's so good to have a baby in the family close by, it has been a long time.
• I got to spend time with a lot of people that I hadn't seen in a long time during a wedding, the road trip before and after, and at the B-house 'little' christmas get together. It was good times and I appreciated seeing everyone and being encouraged by them and their friendship.
• I got to spend a weekend at camp as a GUEST which was good, and refreshing, it was fun to be 'away' for a little bit and try to forget about life. The speaker was also really good and challenged me. Good times.

The DOWNS:

• I have had two interviews in the last two weeks and have not been offered a job yet. ARG. I am disappointed and sad. I don't know where this is heading.
• I don't know what to do for the rest of winter, do I keep subbing?? Work somewhere else full time? Work somewhere part time? Go away somewhere and try to figure things out?? I'm confused, and overwhelmed, and I want change - but change to what?????
• My life is not where I want it to be and I don't know how to get it there.

I guess my ups and downs sort of even each other out. But I'm getting a little seasick on this ride. The holidays are coming. Here's to looking at the bright side.

Cheers.

so many things

There is so much running through my head... my head is full... I'm not sure I can handle any more thoughts right now... so much processing. I just came from church, I love Saturday evening service, there are less people, I'm so much more alert in the evening, I feel less like the new kid on the block because there are fewer people, and I just like the set-up. Today the message was about 'Where do I go from here?', the end of a series dealing with relationships. The series has been odd for me because as I have mentioned there are a lack of relationships in my life in general (not married, no kids, no work relationships right now etc.) The service was about healing. In relationships especially. Again. I didn't think I had any that really needed mending, not that my life is perfect, but overall in the relationships with other people department things are ok. The message wasn't totally that though. It delved a bit into healing in general. Basically the 'revelation' that God put on me.... He cares.... Its already done... and I need to accept it.... let go of the guilt, the anger, the frustration, the sadness.... and let God in. Jesus did it all on the cross. I need to know that not only in my head, but in my heart. I'm not sure how this will happen, but somehow I know that it will. I wish it was instant. This time it is not going to be though I don't think.... Perseverance. I feel like I need to re-define or re-figure out how to live for God, how to let Him in... and how to let Him work in and through me. There are some serious walls up, I'm not sure how they will come down. But I need to keep trying. That I know. And there is a drive within me to do that and I hope it lasts, and I hope i don't give up, or get too frustrated. I'm on a strange path. I don't know where it is going, I don't see the light at the end, and I hope beyond hope that I don't end up lost in here (whatever place this is) again, cause finding my way out is taking all of me.

I'm holding on to the past, to guilt, to hurts, frustrations, anger, all this yucky stuff... knowing that the past dosn't matter. My future starts today. My slate is wiped clean with God... because that is the kind of God He is, the past dosn't matter. Jesus died for all of it. Why can't I let Him in???? Why am I holding on??? I don't know. But I'll figure it out. Jesus cares for us.

Totally unrelated note: Looking for a position SUCKS. I just got the paper today... and they re-posted positions... that means waiting 2 more weeks until even the possibility of an interview... I DON'T UNDERSTAND.... but my portfolio is with the right person right now, so I need to keep my hopes up for now I guess, this SUCKS. We'll see what happens. I'm so very tired of this, almost ready to give up, but I know that I can't. ARG. Did I mention that this SUCKS????????? Kay I'm done now. Please hope with me that I get a job???!!!! I need all the hope I can get right now. Peace.

movin along

SO. The weekend has gone fairly well. I have come to not like weekends because I don't have enough to do and I get extra bored then but this one wasn't bad. Friday I did nothing (which was very boring), Saturday I printed a whole bunch of pictures cause I want to make an album of them... which I haven't done yet but I will.... and then I went to church for Sat. Evening service. I have been blessed by going to church. I still have a hard time with church. But overall it has been good. This Saturday was harder than it has been in a while, I'm not sure why, but I often feel so suffocated in church, like I can't breath, I get angry and want to scream or hide or some random thing. I'm not sure why this occurs, part of healing I suppose. It kinda sucks, but I'm going to keep trying. The messages for the past number of weeks have been about the 'Healthy Home' and 'Relationships'... it has been a little off for me as I don't have a lot of relationships in my life, I have no husband or children, I have no steady job, I only just began going to church so beyond my friends and family there is not much to go on there. I try not to focus on what does not apply to me though and try to be open to why God wants me there, because I think He does. That is why I go. God is there. Working through the people there. That is why I go. Not because I want church. But because I want God. I'm not having an easy time of it. But I will keep trying. (how many times can I start a sentence with the word BUT before it gets annoying??). ANYWAY. Today I went to Happy Feet, which was cute, then to a Grey Cup party with a bunch of the camp staff, it was good. There were lots of people there that I hadn't seen in a while. Camp people are fun. Anyways that was my weekend (With a bunch of confusing church-talk thrown into the middle there.... sorry... but when I blog I blog) Have a happy day everyone.
Quote of the movie: "Don't push me because I'm close to the edge"...... lol gotta love it....

These are not the words

Harry Lehotsky died this past week. I haven't seen him since the summer of 2004, when I took MUC and MTT teams from camp to stay in his church, work at Lazarus Housing, and rally the neighborhood kids to come and play with us, this was the last of 4 summers that I had the opportunity to either be a part of or lead these teams. How incredible it was. Each experience unique. Each experience impacting my life. Walking through the community with him, sitting in on a community meeting, joining his congregation for Sunday service. Great memoriesHarry was always very accommodating of us, and when he could he made time to share with us his story. It is a unique one. One that I don't think I'm capable of forgetting, I'll forget the details, but I will not forget the message, and I will not forget the passion, and I will not forget the conviction with which he spoke. He was where God wanted him, he knew that, without a doubt. . I hope we all someday find where we fit like that, and not be afraid to go with God, wherever that may be. So this week my thoughts have revolved around this man, and how he impacted my life, his community, the people of his church, his family. I have often thought of him over the past months, knowing that he was slowly saying goodbye to the world that he knew... but now... rejoicing in heaven. In that we are supposed to be thankful, I know that he suffered, I know he is with God, I didn't know that learning of his passing would affect me in this way. I believe it is positive, because Harry's example was positive. I never have the words. Oh well. I was only at his funeral in spirit, part of me wanted to be there, but a bigger part of me didn't want to go alone... as I worked that day my thoughts were there. Its not about me anyway.

So this entry is for Pastor Harry. In remembrance of him, maybe in someway my 'see ya later' to a man who by following God and allowing God to work through him impacted my life and I was changed. I only hope that I can find where God wants me to 'fit', follow without fear, and 'walk the walk'. Pastor Harry left a mark on this earth, and impacted so many, I know I am only one small person in a sea of many who were somehow, in some way touched by his life. I only saw him a few weeks a summer... and yet I will never be the same because of it.

comments and thoughts

So..... here I am... and here are some of my thoughts for the week...

• After tomorrow I will have worked 3 full days this week (this is a good thing...)
• Today was a long day because I didn't really have to do anything at work (there was a student teacher in the room and she pretty much ran the show)
• Grade 3 is an interesting age...
• If you learn math in French it is apparently hard to start learning in English - I was facinated by this fact.
• I am frustrated and tired of being patient when it comes to finding a job... but I guess I'll keep being patient and doing the best I can because that is all I can do for now.
• # of churches attended last weekend: 2
• Seeking: Freedom, Peace

nothing better to do...

SO, I'm bored, which is not that unusual, I also just had a large T.H. coffee and considering that I don't really drink coffee all that often that means I will be fairly alert for some time to come... so here goes a survey... just cause I have nothing better to do for the moment...

Who was the last person you...
1. You hung out with? Talking with Pam tonight... that sort of counts
2. Rode in a car with?Lots by myself recently, but most likely Dave... I'm a bit of a taxi service somedays.
3. Went to the movies with?No Idea, its been a while
4. You went to the mall with? ummm, don't know.... don't spend much time at the mall.
6. You talked on the phone/IMed to? Umm, a principal of a school... asking me to work.
7. Made you laugh? My own stupidity.

W O U L D . Y O U . R A T H E R?
1. Pierce your nose or tongue?nose
2. Be serious or be funny?Vewwy vewwy sewious
3. Drink whole or skim milk?:skim- but I don't really care.
4. Die in a fire or drown?ummm, lets say neither
5. Spend time with your parents or enemies?:Parents, though I think I do enough of that.

A N S W E R. T R U T H F U L L Y.1.
Do you like anyone? well, people in general I suppose.

Y O U . P R E F E R.
1. Sun or moon?:Sun. I like sunshine! But the moon can be fun too
2. Winter or Fall?Fall... mostly cause I hate winter
.3. left or right?Right?
4. 10 acquaintances or two best friends?Two best friends.
5. Sunny or rain? Sun, but rain is nice once in a while
6. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?ummm probably vanilla if I had to choose

.A B O U T . Y O U.
1. What time is it?11:25 (how is that about me?
2. First Name?:Heather
3. What do you want to do? Teach, go on a warm vacation, spend time with fun people
4. Where do you wanna live?:negotiable
5. How many kids do you want?also negotiable
6. Do you want to get married?Yes. Someday
7. what do you like on your pizza? No pineapple
8. Can you cross your eyes?Not skillfully
9. Do you make your bed daily?Nope
.
R A N D O M.
1. Which shoe goes on first? I'm thinking the right one... never really thought about it though
!2. Ever thrown a shoe at someone?'I'm thinking yes
3. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?Twirl
.4. Have you ever eaten Spam? Yes.
3. Favorite ice cream? Peppermint... but you can only find it at Christmas
4. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet?Not sure.
5. Current mood? Ummm, a little discouraged.----

IN . THE. LAST. 48 HOURS. HAVE. YOU.
1. kissed some one? Nope
2. Sang?Yes
3. Been hugged:No
4. Felt stupid:Yes.
5. Missed Someone:Yes
6. Danced Crazy?No
7. Gotten your hair cut?No
8. Cried:Yes

S T U F F .
1. do you have a Dog? There is a decreped dog that lives here but she's not really mine.
2. When's the last time you've been sledding?Probably last winter
3. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone? I pretty much like my bed... but maybe someday
.4. Do you believe in ghosts?Umm no.
5. Do you consider yourself creative? Maybe in some way... not sure I've found it yet


All you ever wanted to know and more... have a great weekend everybody.

today

So, once again I'm back, it actually hasn't been all that long, maybe I'll get more regular with this blogging thing (no promises though). What have I been up to? More substitute teaching... fun fun... the other day I was in a grade 1 class, it was actually pretty good as in grade 1 if you are the teacher you are pretty darn special. Kids are so funny, we were learning about the number 5, and let me tell ya, that was a challenge as many had not quite mastered 1-4... I'm thinking I might go crazy if I taught grade 1 but it was fun for a couple of hours.

Lets see... what else... I went to a wedding in Minnesota, that was pretty fun, lots of craziness and I was very tired after this short 'vacation' but it was worth it, I don't go many places these days so it was good to be 'away' for a few days.

Most profound learning as of late: the past dosn't matter, how I got to where I am dosn't matter, everything behind dosn't matter what matters is where I am at today and where I go from here. What matters is today. Start today. No judgement. Just today.

So here I am. Where I am. Today.

ok

OK, so this blog thing tends to turn into a rant about life in general and nothing too specific. I think this is just how my mind works... my brain moves quickly and I can't seem to say what I want to say in a way that makes sense and how others can percieve it correctly... especially when speaking... at least when I write it out it has half a chance because I can try... and sometimes fail... to say what I want to say.

So. Update. I am officially a not very busy substitute teacher. This is not a lifelong career choice for me that's for sure. Granted it is easy, and relatively stress free... and I like the 'no homework' part of it. But I really miss having my own class, and having a group of students to care about every day. There are some terrible classes (especially in high school... no offence to any high school agers out there... I like you as people... I'm just not so much into teaching high school classes... though it may be different if I were there full time) ANYWAY. At least I know that I don't want to be a high school teacher. Its good to learn such things. Work is work. And I'm waiting for some mat leaves to start so I can apply for some more jobs... time will tell where this year will lead.

So. I went to church last week. Actually it has been two consecutive weeks in a row (It has been probably a couple years since that has happened). Its been good. Its a bit of a drive as I chose to go out of the local communities, but its good. I feel ok there. And I can sneak in and out fairly quietly if I want to. I've had a love/hate relationship with the concept and all the extras and socialness (not a word... so what) of church. I've decided that it is not church that I want. It is God that I want. Simple. I don't necessarily want all the drama and relationships and pressure to fit some mold that dosn't really exist but people expect. I want simple. It has been that way all along. But I'm trying to define what that means to me, and how that looks and what it really involves. Perhaps I'm way off base in all my thinking (call me on it if you want). Its been a strange winding and bumpy road. I feel like it has been an uphill battle for some time, its my own fault... human as I am.... doubting as I am... I'm ok with it, its my journey, and I suppose really the only person that needs to understand it is me. I'm not yet where I should be, but perhaps I might get back on track, I've been a little lost in the woods... I need some Christmas lights on the trail. Healing takes time, but I'm choosing to be proactive in it, and try to make some positive changes that hopefully will lead to good things. I'm a different person than I once was, and I think that's ok too, though some days I struggle with the change and wonder what happened. Sometimes scars are permanent. I'm hoping to come out stronger on the other side. I definitly feel like the only person in the world who struggles with this, though in my head I know I'm not (but how come no one ever talks about the hard stuff of faith???? Why is it always sunshine and rainbows and just look to God and everything will be great???.......AHHHHHHHHHH.) Life happens. God is always good. But life still happens.

Here I am. Spilling all this nonsense online (at least its an optional read right??). Here I am. Ok.

more

It's been a while.... maybe I should catch up.
Let me see, the last few months have been full of good, bad, ugly, happiness, sadness, disappointment, despair and confusion. On some scale all of those have been present. Right now I am somewhere in between, and it changes fairly regularily and sporadically, which keeps me on my toes because I never really know whats coming next.
I finished my school year with my students strong, I enjoyed it greatly and I became more relaxed and had fun with my kids. I find myself unemployed for the fall as of today and greatly frustrated about it. This has not been an easy journey, and I struggle with what I am supposed to be learning from all of this, and I struggle with how I am going to get through it some days. I very much identified myself with my job, and thinking about not doing it again is sad to me (not that I will never teach again... but I'm just not sure how this journey is going to unfold for me) I watch others, friends, getting the jobs and that is hard, but part of the game I suppose.
I don't know where I am going, I don't know where I should go, decisions don't come easy to me at the best of times, and this certainly isnt' the best of times. I often wonder about the person that I have become over the past few years. I'm not sure who I am supposed to be. There have been different versions of me through the years, versions of who I am, what I believe in, and why. The person I was before seems so distant. I don't know what it is to rely on faith, and there is so much doubt in my life. I hate fakeness, and I don't want to do things or feel things, or believe things that change. I don't want to be a certain way because others might expect it, I want to do it for me, I don't want to be closed off from non-christians in judgement as so many are. Where will I find a balance between my worlds? Will I find a balance? Is balance possible? Hard to say. My foundation is cracked... I'm not sure how it happened, but the damage is done and renovations are not going to be easy.
I watch and listen to others who have a faith so strong (or so it appears on the outside) and I see I've grown to be different. Its a strange feeling and I'm not sure I long to be that person, though I'm not sure. Once again. Don't know. Surprise, surprise. I've spent time in reflection this summer, though I'm not sure where it has gotten me. My time at camp was theraputic, it was quiet (if that is possible... somehow it was) and there were minimal demands on my time, and minimal stress. I couldn't have dealt with stress at that point in the summer so it was good. Above all, it was almost painfully quiet, I dread quiet, I live for distraction, so quiet was hard and good all at the same time. Camp is good. I'm thankful that they let me be there. Without question or judgement as I worked through the worst of my struggle this summer.
So my ramble brings me to now... wanting more, but not knowing what more is, more of what???? Space? Time? Direction? Distraction? Peace? Laughter? I just know that I desire much and I can't define it. My journey lies hidden to me, but I know will unfold in time (it has to right?)
So here I am. More than disappointed, more than sad, more than frustrated, more than confused, more than angry. Just more. Here I am. Wanting more....

restless

I'm not sure why this blog is such a journal, things that I wouldn't normally talk about seem to have there place here where the world may read them (though I'm fairly sure the world dosn't cause lets face it I'm not that interesting) Anyway I have officially been living in one spot for more than a year. This hasn't happened in about 8 years. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I'm not sure my life is where I want it to be. I feel like I'm going backwards in many ways though I know that I am on a path - one that most days I may not understand - but a path nonetheless. My indifference continues, but there is an added restlessness, a need for change. A change of what I'm not yet sure - space? location? mindset? scenery? paintcolor? shoes? people? Who knows... time will tell. I am unsatisfied in my indifference. My 'lukewarmness' if you will. I recently read some prose that clearly defined what it is that I am feeling, the gist of it was that - standing on a cliff, and on one side there are people struggling and barely hanging on, on the other side, people free, jumping and soaring, and then there is me in the middle. Not struggling with major issues, but not free, and not soaring, not victorious. I have lost much in this battle of the last year and a half. It has left me in the middle. Lukewarm, with lack of vision, and lack of passion. What a gross place to be. But I don't know where my mind is and therefore do not know the course to changing it.... yet anyways. So I will continue. In restlessness, that will inevitably turn to urgency, to move out of the this place of indifference.
I will look on the bright side... and I will look up.
Peace.

indifference

February is over, thank goodness, each day that passes is one day closer to summer and I can hardly wait for the snow to melt. Not because of any big plans because I actually have none at this point, I just want winter to be over. Winter is cold, and dark, and snowy, and I often feel trapped by these elements (maybe I should move?) probably won't happen. Anyways it is now the 3rd day of March, so things are looking up (except for all the snow that keeps falling down). I'll try not to parrallel anything to driving today however, although my 'adventures' continue, living out here in the sticks, the parrallels will probably get less and less effective, even in my own mind.

So this is my life, I get up, go to work, come home, there is the occasional meeting, and the odd trip to the gym, out for coffee or shopping, but basically, my life is work, and I am indifferent. Things are ok there. Not great, but ok. I am definitly feeling the pressure to find another job for next year, patience, patience. Something permanent would be nice. Anyways, work will happen. It is not just work, it is life that I am indifferent to, and on some level, my own faith, and God. This is a scary position. Not sure what to do about it. I don't think indifference is a good place to be but that is the best word that I have to describe it right now.

I have no incredible stories to tell, no amazing revelations, or inspiring prose. What can I say? It has been winter. A season. I just figured I hadn't posted in a while, so why not, however uninspiring these words may be.

My mind is jumbled with work.... so I will end this ramble.

One step at a time..... hopefully on a path out of indifference. Peace.