one unfinished journey

So its now about mid-January... too late to talk about 'the new year' and I don't really like the idea of resolutions anyway. I've made a decision or two... but nothing serious or worth blogging about. Its freakin cold outside... I don't like winter, I'm going to stop saying stuff like that. I choose to live here. I need to just suck it up and deal with it. I'm thinking this post is going to be a bit of a reflection on my journey with the instition that is called Church. My experiences and frustrations. I'll try to make it a list. So here it goes.
1. My very first experiences with church were as a kid. It was mostly about the Sunday School, it was a small country church and was kinda unique. I liked that I would go to a friend's or my friend would come over after church and we would cook lunch and totally destroy our mother's kitchens. Oh and the Christmas concert gong show was always exciting (I didn't know it was a gong show then.... but looking back.... yes.... gong show hahahah....) good memories for the most part.
2. That church closed, we went to a church in town for a while, then stopped going to church as a family altogether. I never learned how to become a christian or live as a christian at either of these churches. Interesting.
3. Other experiences sparked my interest in God. But no ride to church till I could drive and didn't know where to go. Was invited to a youth group... at a church that would become my 'home church' for a number of years. I remember being freaked out at first in this church... but it became natural. It was exciting and real and I loved it. I was in church 3 times a week, Sundays Wednesdays and Fridays plus special services, it was like a home. I was comfortable there, there was always something going on and I could get involved and have fun. I loved the pastors and youth pastors, I loved my friends there. Looking back. It was so good.
4. This changed when I went away for the second time. While I was out of the country 'serving God' being totally devoted to Him and His work and learning and growing and passionate a friend was killed in a car accident. This somehow changed everything. I came back to changed people. Changed friends. Changed me. and my time at this church slowly fell away. Because I let it I suppose. I moved away for university and my visits became fewer and further between, my summers were at camp... where there was no room for Sundays or Wednesdays as much as I tried to be involved when I was home, it just never worked. So that was that.
5. There was very little church involvement while away at school. Tried a couple. Stuck with one fairly faithfully and even got involved a bit one year. It was good. Met some good people.
6. Another change everything moment somehow occured one summer.... I don't know what it was exactly. But I was done with everything. After that summer I tried to go back to my 'university church' I could hardly sit in a pew. I wanted to run screaming from the building. It was so hard to sit through a service. It was painful. Its hard to describe. I couldn't breathe there. I felt attacked. I wasn't sure what to do with this... so I did very little. I knew it wasn't right. I knew healing needed to happen. I didn't have the energy to work through it. I fought it. and fought it. and fought it. For years.
7. Then I found a safe haven. A place for healing. and I had to force myself there some days. But I went. It was real. It was hard. God met me there. I was learning again. Growing again. Accepting this free 'healing'
8. Somehow this fell away as well. But not in a bad way. That time there was a season. I wouldn't mind if that season returned, but if it dosn't thats ok too. I'm ok with it either way. I'm just so thankful it was there. And I was open to that season.
9. So what now? Searching. Within myself so far more than out in the world. For the type of place I need to be. I should probably just go somewhere in between the wrong place and the right place so at least I am somewhere on the path.... we'll see. Starting somewhere new is weird for me. I don't like being the 'new' person... so I need a big place where I could maybe just blend in for now. It'll happen. I think perhaps I put too much thought into this entire process. Yes. I most definitly do. But whatever. When it comes to stuff like this thats how it seems to be with me.
10. This post is more detailed and in depth that usual. I bigger glimpse at me I suppose. I'm at ten, thank goodness.

Happy Cold January!!! haha....

tis the season....

A pre-Christmas pre-New Year rant in the life of H. Ah, what the heck... lets make it a list!!!
1. On holidays for the next 2 weeks!! Yeah!! I like my job but it is busy and loud and stressful. I often wonder what it would be like to go to work and spend my day doing paperwork in front of a computer screen.... it would be sooooooo different from what I experience everyday right now, where my world revolves around the moods, actions, and learnings, of very unpredictable tweens.... it is a crazy world they live in thats for sure. They never cease to amaze me.
2. Christmas is in a few days, I feel Christmased out from all the 'fun' at work, so its good that I have a few days to get back in the 'spirit'.
3. Living in town is good. Still a little weird. Very quiet and I feel more 'out of the loop' than ever. But it is more convenient and nice to be home in 10 minutes as opposed to 30.
4. I like my space and different sense of independence that I have re-gained in this move.
5. I don't like doing dishes and I think that dishwashers should be standard equipment in every home.... I'm thinking my next house will need one!!!
6. Family happenings are awkward and I don't know what to think.... I don't understand it.
7. I feel change is imminent, though I don't know how or when...
8. I spend too much time by myself now that I live by myself... its weird. Is it possible to have too much 'me time?'
9. I'm running out of things to say so I'm glad I'm on number 9!!
10. The future looms in front of me, with continual uncertainties. I have many hopes for my uncertain future, and wish I could peek ahead to see if any will happen, though I suppose that might spoil the journey.

Thats all for now, I'm sure a 'New Year's' post will come along shortly.

Wishing everyone Peace and Joy this Christmas Season. May your hearts be full.

quick update

After my little rant on the last post I thought I would update that I recently got in touch with a 'long lost' friend. SO FUN. I've tried to find her on a few occasions but alas the internet was no help and the fact that she got married and changed her name may not have helped. BUT. She was doing the same thing and actually found me about a year ago somewhere with my name on a school newsletter or something (weird) and recently on FACEBOOK. As annoying as it may be I'm fairly addicted and wouldn't be in touch with so many friends from all over the place without it....
Yup. I like facebook. It has been super exciting to catch up with this person... and though she lives somewhere in Alaska... we are once again 'in touch' 10 or so years later. LOVE IT.
Kay thats it for now.
I'm ready for Christmas holidays.... like now.
Laterz.

i miss....

I've been thinkin lately, and perhaps dwelling a bit too much on things past... but I miss my friends. Sounds weird. Not the friends I see all the time obviously. I miss the friendships that were made in the past and have fallen away, childhood friends, and probably even stronger YWAM and Camp friends (just to categorize)... these were such incredible times and so much fun...there has never been another time in my life where I have had friends to lean on, learn from, and just have fun with. I think perhaps there is just not enough fun in my life right now. Working and doing 'normal' things is not all its cracked up to be all the time. I think the YWAM saying 'ruined for the ordinary' is very very true. Since then... I have not been the same, have not seen the world the same way, and not viewed my life in the same way, yet I try to conform to what is 'normal'... all the while longing for something more. Things change. I get it. It is normal for friendships to evolve and change... but its a little sad too... too bad I can't go back in time and visit...
What is it to be content?
I'm not sure.
Are we meant to be??
I dunno.
Thats what I miss....

things unsaid

Here I am again. Yes, long time between posts.... and this is gonna be short and sweet. Since July.......
1. Back at work, as if we never left. Its stressful... and not always fun... but sometimes fun.
2. September is over... THANK GOODNESS... not that things slow down at all its just nice when September is over.
3. I've watched a friend in pain, experiencing great loss. There is nothing quite like this.
4. I've seen family in pain and experiencing another type of loss... and I hurt for them and the situation.
5. My neice can say 'Aunty Heather' (sort of) She continues to be a joy and blessing to our family.... Love her to bits... there is nothing better.
6. I have purchased a new bed!! and it has been moved to my apartment, the first piece of furniture there!
7. Thats right folks, it is finally happening.... moving to town. A little crazy and I will miss this place when I am gone even though I know that this is the right path for me right now, I will miss this place and I'm a little sad to leave, though I'm not going far my lifestyle will change a bit, and I'll miss being close to family and seeing them all the time.
8. My new place is little. Especially the bedroom and will take a little planning to get everything in there that I would like to have in there in a nice way... good to have a challenge.
9. Change can be difficult... and mine is nothing compared to what some are going through around me... so I should shut up and be happy and enjoy the ride.
10. Its about time I made another list that went all the way to 10.

Thats the update for now. I'm both happy and sad. Content and discouraged. There is a barrage of feelings... I'm trusting that all will be ok.

Sanctus Real - Whatever You're Doing
Album: We Need Each Other

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out



Chaos but somehow there's peace... or I hope there will be.

get real

I am struck and compelled today to write. I cannot even express the amount of joy, almost exhileration... at finally putting some sort of a picture on what this God Journey is for me... and it all happened in a 5 minute conversation. I'm definitely not talking about a huge awakening moment where I am changed forever. It is more of relief. A huge weight off my shoulders... or at least the weight has become more balanced, it seems easier right now in THIS moment. I thought I was alone in my thinking, in how I felt, in how I am still feeling (I use the word feeling alot... its not that I base everything on feelings, feelings change, I just find its the best suited word right now). In this conversation we discussed grace, openness, and freedom. And I finally saw, or put words to the 'feeling'.... in a place where you would expect great freedom, that freedom is stifled, snuffed out, and covered up by sunshine and roses, false fronts. Nobody talks about what its really like. Nobody struggles. Everybody does good, does the 'right thing' and just keeps going. In a place that should be community and openess, and support for each other, there is only surface talk, surface relationship, most (not all) of it seems pretend.

Apparently there are places that exist, where there is shared passion, shared yearning, there is openess in stuggle, and there is grace. I don't know where to find this place... but I hope that one day I will. I doubt its existence here in this part of the world.

I hate fakeness.

Why can't people just be real with each other? What are we so afraid of??? (coming from someone who fears everything).... seriously. What? Isn't that what this journey is about? Why do we have to do it alone? I KNOW I KNOW.... we're all a body of believers....BLAH....its crap if its all fake. I desire truth. I'm not seeking an easy journey though that would be nice, just honesty.... without judgement.

I'm relieved, I'm not alone, I'm not the only one who sees this, it only took a virtual stranger and 4 years of searching for a way to sort of organize my thoughts and that gives me great joy for the moment. I am also angry and frustrated, because I don't see a way out. If this is how it is... is it worth it?

It's a ramble. There are more posts to come, a little more focussed perhaps, but a journal just wasn't enought right now. I needed to read my thoughts here. My thinking may be full of mistakes, or weird angles, and somewhat mixed up.... but who isn't? All believers are on a journey.... and its not all sunshine and roses.... I just don't know why people glaze over whats really going on.

Random thought I don't want to forget:
It's not about climbing your way out of the hole you are in, clawing, and clamouring to get out, expending all energy, it dosn't have to be a long hard journey back, step outside of it and walk forward.

Lets get real.

fearless

This is what I aim to be. Fear sucks. I mean seriously, makes me angry. It holds me back from things that I want to do. I don't mean shaking in my boots, running and hiding fear... I mean erring too far on the side of caution, fear of what others are thinking, fear that holds me back from life.

I wonder how many people are truly happy with their lives. I know I am no where near where I thought that I might be, my life has made twists and turns along the way to bring me to where I am now. Its not necessarily a bad thing, but dwelling on the matter dosn't bring me great joy thats for sure. I think this is part of where the fear comes from. I fear the unknown, and the twists and turns, if I don't know where they are leading (and obviously nobody does) I am hesitant to move forward, and that sucks. and I hate it. and it makes me stuck. and I need to get unstuck, and thats what I need to work on.

I never used to be like this, and its strange to think of the person that I am now, and perhaps my own perspective is different from that of outsiders, but mine is the only perspective I have so I have to go with it. I didn't fear the unknown to the extent that I do now. I used to get up and go for things, and didn't overthink every little thing like I do now. Whatever. I'm strange. I get it. Whatever.

This is a weird post. .... once again I wonder why I blog.... I don't speak it out loud... so I may as well write it down for the world (or at least a few people - including myself) to see.

the first day

Today was the first day of my '30th year on the planet' (or maybe second if you count my actual birthday yesterday) I have officially started my last year in my 20's. It is completely hard to believe. I don't even want to reflect at the moment on what the past years have brought me to. Perhaps I'll save that reflection for the big 3-0, scary. People tend to ask (well my grandma anyway) 'do you feel older??'... and I think actually this time I do, mostly because there is so much more I want from this life and I don't know how to make it all happen but I need to somehow trust that it will... somehow... I wish I knew. So a new number has not changed my fuzzy outlook on life... maybe with a few more days.... older and wiser... (one can hope).

I will learn from my past, allow wounds to heal, let the scars remind me of where I have come, but not dwell on what is behind me. I will look to the future with expectation and hope.

Here's to a good year in the story of H.

when moving forward feels like moving back

Once again... months have past. I suck at blogging. In the past couple of months I have:
1) Made it through winter
2) The snow has melted
3) Spring break came and went uneventfully
4) I accepted a term position teaching grade 6 for *most* of next year
5) May long came and went uneventfully
6) Tried to make summer plans but have not gotten anywhere
7) Have been frustrated with the direction things seem to be going
8) Been confused about the future.... but content not to linger on the unknown for too long
9) Continued to consider what I really do want and where I truly want to be
10) Continued my compulsion for completing a list all the way to 10

On the job front... I am employed until next April. This is both good and bad. There are a lot of frustrations in this... in the whole job-getting process and all the politics involved in it. I'm tired of it. But I'm stuck in it. I better come up with a good plan for next spring so I have something to look forward too instead of just the continued look for a permanent position.

On the summer front... I'm really glad that it is almost here!!! I don't know what I'll be doing yet but I do plan to take a large chunk of the time off and hopefully get a few small trips in or camping or something.... we'll see.

All for now.

I will sincerely try to write before 3 months comes and goes.... why do I blog??? Weird.

a post on posting

So I try to post about once a month, if nothing else than just to say that I have a very uninteresting blog space for people to pass by quickly. Those who know me may pause a bit longer just to see if I have anything interesting or new to say. I tend to repeat myself a lot as my struggles remain the same and I continue to be stuck in the same rut as always and have done nothing to get out of this rut, and yes I know it is most likely (ok it is) my fault. So what.
On that note. No. Nothing has changed. It is very much winter outside and I`m getting tired of it being winter. I would like the snow to melt and to be able to get out more. Warmer weather and better roads help with that. I also prefer when the kids can go out for recess. This helps my life seem less crazy at work. And some days a little bit quieter :)... a teacher can dream.
I know that spring will come, it always does, but I wouldn`t mind if it started a little early this year. It was actually warm today, it got up to the freezing mark, but tomorrow will be a different story. Winter is not over yet. Unfortunately.
Well, you know for sure that I have nothing to talk about if I can spend an entire paragraph on the weather. I think I need to stop now. I hope somewhere out there someone is having a little extra fun for me tonight.

new year

So, it is another new year, though I very much don't feel that January is the best time to start a new year. For me, the new year begins in September, that is when school starts, thats when there are changes a brewing. Though I suppose change can happen at any time. Still. January is not my start to a new year. The calendar sort of wins on this one however and I guess it is 2008. Whether I like it or not. The holidays were good. Nothing really out of the ordinary or exciting but good. I stayed home, we did all the normal family things and that was that. I should have taken a warm vacation for the second week.... that would have been a good idea... maybe next year. Now it is back to work again. This week was a bit of a shock to the system, it is so busy at work, and with 2 weeks off I had a chance to forget about the stress... I was very quickly reminded however. There are constant challenges in my profession and I'm sure that it does or will get easier with more experience... there is no way to jump through some special hoop that will make me experienced... I just have to pay my dues and keep working at it. There always seems like there is so much to do and so little time. I often wonder what it would be like to have a more 'normal' 9 to 5 job where you can just show up, work, and go home, and not carry planning, marking, and to do lists in your brain all the time. Maybe these jobs don't really exist, but in my mind they definitly do, and some days a job like that would be nice. In the end I still enjoy my work and my chosen profession and can't wait till it gets easier... and somewhat more manageable time wise. 50 hour weeks are long. I know there are people out there who work far more... but for me... 50 hour weeks are long. In general there is not much more in my life besides work, and most days I don't feel like there is time for much more, but then there are days that I long for more. I suppose there is a need to find a balance between the two. I know I could handle more. I know that I would benefit from more.

Yes. I'm still living at home. I will buy a house this spring or summer. I think this is my final and best decision. I have a down payment ready... so now I just bide my time... and hope for the job... without the permanent job I will probably rent. I just have to make it through the winter driving over the next few months... yikes... I hate the driving from the sticks... but I've done it before and I can do it again, I just won't enjoy it too much.

I once again feel like I am churchless. This is a complicated issue in my life that I am tired of dealing with.... I need to suck it up.

So here's to a new year. I'm believing for a good one. My best one.

Looking Forward.
H.

snow and holidays holidays and snow

1. I don't particularly like snow. Its ok to look at but beyond that... not entirely enthused.
2. Very happy to have 2 weeks off of work.
3. Looking forward to seeing family over the holidays, some that I haven't seen in quite some time so it should be a good time.
4. I want to see and spend some time with friends over this holiday.... and am open to suggestions.
5. I need to move. I've been saying that for 2 years... perhaps I should make that happen sooner rather than later.
6. I feel almost christmassed out with all the excitement that 25 10 year olds bring to the classroom everyday.... yikes to be 10.
7. I think I've resolved not to make any resolutions but reserve the right to change my mind.
8. I am appalled by the YWAM Denver shooting and am reminded that life is fragile and unpredictable even in what I may consider a very safe place.
9. I don't like snow.
10. Is winter over yet??

I don't know where this list came from but I felt compelled to write in list form today... and once I started I had to make it all the way to 10.

Life is going ok for me. Work continues to be very busy and I am dreading the job hunt that is only a couple short months away, I try not to think about it but its hard not to. I'm really hoping that things work out smoothly this year. As my list stated I'm happy for the break from work. I am tired. And need a little time to re-energize for the months ahead. It has been a busy and stressful fall and I hope to settle into some sort of routine after the holidays and hope and pray that my class cooperates with this plan.

I'm not super excited for Christmas cause my students have sucked the life out of it for me right now, but I'm sure with the arrival of family things will pick up. It should be fun and I'm hoping that it is. The food will be good. That much I know.

Anyway I'm rambling right now... so I'll stop and try to post again before the new year, perhaps with some more stimulating topics or deep thoughts....... whatever.... lol.

Happy holidays everybody. Peace and Joy.

for now

So. Time flies when you're busy I guess. It has been one month since I started my new job. The past few weeks have gone by quickly. Much has happened, much has changed in my work and my classroom. It has been a fairly good transition and I'm OK with how things are progressing. I can't believe I have to write reports next week, but other than that, things are good. My picture of my ideal classroom is definitly coming into clearer focus as time goes on... I'm already trying to picture what I would do differently next time while I work on what I want to change now. Ah well.

Other than work, my life does not have much else in it right now. Work is taking up a lot of my time these days. One thing on the horizon I hope is moving into town. It is time to leave and I know that. I will miss being here I think, close to my family and being able to see and talk to them almost daily, not that I'm moving around the world, really it is only 20 minutes away... but it will be different. I feel that I really need to be an 'adult' or something and perhaps support myself for a bit? Learn what that is really like? With my own money? All of these foreign concepts that should be old hat for me by now. Somehow I didn't picture myself when I was younger living at home at 28.... funny how things change like that. I think I need to get out in order to really see what I want for my life, to be myself in my own space, to know if this is the place in the world that I truly want to stay. I'm not really sure at this point, so I think I need to find out. So I suppose that is my next step, my next 'big change' or whatever. I look forward to it with some apprehension about change, and some annoyance with the idea of moving to a very 'non-permanent' residence, as renting is an appalling practice that I hope to not do for very long.

Anyway. I suppose that is me. For now.

blur

So. The last few days have been a little crazy. It has definitly been busier than usual, and somewhat more stressful. On Monday (5 days ago) I was interviewed for a job. Later that day I was offered the position. About 2 seconds after that I accepted the position. Crazy. I'm very happy about this as it is about as close to my 'ideal' job as it can possibly be (except that its not a permanent position....). So Monday I got the job. Tuesday I spent being anxious and wondering what it was going to be like. Wednesday I moved stuff into my classroom. Thursday I set up my room. Today I subbed at the school and spent time in my room trying to think of all the things I am forgetting.... and my students moved their things into the room. On Monday it begins. Me and my new class. There are still some things I am uncertain about, but it will all come together I'm sure. I'm happy to be at this school with some of my former colleagues from a past position. I feel very welcome. Today I had 411 students cheer when they said my name.... how many new jobs start like that??? lol. Some of the students know me too so that helps. So begins the change. This is what I do. So I'm happy to have a class to teach for the year. What change will be next??

ummmm.....

I hate making decisions. I suck at it. I over-think things and try to rationalize to try to make the best decisions possible... and it drives me crazy. I should just decide and get on with it. The thing is that I know that I will have to live with my decision, whatever it may lead to. Arg. I hate making decisions.

So, I'm on the sub list in Winkler, I'm not officially back on the list in Morden, I just dread it so I'm procrastinating... I hope I'm not subbing very long... I'm also signed up to take some French at RRC this fall, hopefully that works out to my advantage in the long run.

Ah well. Thats it for now.

disappointment and distraction

The end of the summer is once again coming. Or the end of August I guess and that to me is sort of the end of summer. It has gone quickly. It has been ok. Not great, but ok. I find myself once again still unemployed, this is a source of great disappointment for me. I don't understand what it has to be this way. I don't know where I am supposed to be and I feel as if I am not where I am meant to be in this world at this time. It is very frustrating and I don't know how to change it but to keep going and to try and make the best of a yucky situation.

I have been greatly encouraged and lifted by distraction as of late. I find my home consuming and drowning. It is very difficult for me to be here so I welcome the opportunity to leave for periods of time. I am frustrated by the fact that I can't seem to handle more than a few days of intense activities of other kinds however. My inner 'demons' seem to be winning some days and it is incredibly scary for me to face this reality. I thought this was a thing of the past, apparently it is not, though it is not the same as the past, it is real, it is frustrating, infuriating, and consuming. I have only in the past couple of days truly realized the magnitude of what I am experiencing. But perhaps by accepting it I can begin to overcome. I was free once before, I need desperately to be free again, I don't know how I can do this everyday. I need healing in my life, thank goodness I believe in a God that has already overcome, that has already healed... Facing this God is not easy. I get angry so quickly, I don't truly understand but I do my best to push through it because I know this 'anger' I feel when it is only me and God is not from Him. If anyone actually reads this (and I'm ok with the fact that no one really does... cause its good just to write it)... but if you do... pray. Cause I'm tired of fighting this on my own.

So I continue to look for distraction. My previous distraction was a bit of a healing experience, it was very very good, God is good, I wish that is could have continued but perhaps it is not about the physical 'place'. Tomorrow I leave for a few more days of distraction in a different place, where many people know me, and I in many ways am not looking forward to that part of it, the expectations, and views of who I am. I don't know what will come of it, no expectations helps because I am less disappointed in the end.

So I continue in search of direction for my life. I hope it is not a series of distractions. I need to move on, away from disappointment, and to something bigger than distraction.

Searching for Peace. Please let it come.

travel

It had been over 7 years since I really went somewhere... so I'm glad that I made the decision to go to Alaska this summer. I spent about 8 or 9 nine days on Kodiak Island Alaska, it was a good time of exploring, relaxing, fishing, taking lots of pictures, and hanging out. Kodiak is a beautiful island, and my friend Abby was a great tour guide. It was a great opportunity to get out. The highlight was probably going out fishing for a day, I caught a Halibut that was over 100lbs. It was very fun, and a good, once in a lifetime type of opportunity. I enjoyed the ocean and the mountains thoroughly. We stayed pretty busy during my time there, hiking around, shopping, visiting different beaches, and meeting and spending time with Abby's family, and of course eating more fish and seafood than I normally would in a year. Alaska was good times.
Now I'm back in Manitoba... wondering what I'm going to do next again. Still unemployed, still trying to figure it out, and playing the waiting game in many ways. So I continue to wait... for now anyways... but with anticipation for change in my life, if it dosn't come I will create that change for myself...
Peace.

what to do

This is my neice Rylee, she is pretty stinking cute. She will be 8 months old at the end of July and is already crawling all over the place. Little monkey. She's fun to watch, added entertainment to the family for sure.

So summer is rolling along. I am finding myself bored already. I'm not really sure what to do with my time at this point. I'm not sure if I'm going to get to go away anywhere. It's pretty expensive for someone without a job to just take off, it seems reckless to spend money like that. We'll see. I need to decide soon though because my opportunity will soon be gone.

So I have nothing really interesting to report... just thought I'd blog to end some boredness... we'll see what happens tomorrow!

almost

I can't believe its been 2 months since I last wrote on this blog. I am one of those bloggers where it dosn't really matter if anyone reads it I guess, and I'm fairly certain there are no regular readers anyway.

So the school year is almost over, I thought this time may never get here. I definitly have some mixed emotions about this experience. It has been hard. Definitly the hardest job I have ever had in my life so far. I have been stretched, drained, frustrated, and in between there have been bits that have been ok. I've never had a job where I went home defeated, and exhausted, almost every day. A job where I have cried before work, during work, and after work because many times it was just too much, I felt alone, and I didn't know what to do to to make it work better. This is definitly the most I have ever questioned my decision to teach. I have also learned a lot. Grown a lot as a person and as a professional. In the big picture I know that this has been a good experience for me and has shaped me in some way. Hopefully I will take something good from this experience. And so it is mixed feelings that I have in leaving the school I am at. Even though my future is very uncertain at this point (I may be unemployed very soon) I have a definite peace about my decision not to apply for the second part of this term, and somehow I know that things will work as they should. 5 more days.

Otherwise things are ok. I'm happy that it is summer, I like having no real plans and I hope to fill my days with some fun and relaxing activities see what happens or what I am driven to for the fall. I know for sure that I need to move soon though. I really really need my own space. It'll depend on the job for fall a bit and if I maybe decide to go away for a while next winter or something which is an idea rolling around in my head.

I'll try not to wait 2 months to post, and with summer here I will have more time. The end is in sight. Peace all.

stretched

God is not going to give me more than I can handle. This is the message that hit home for me tonite at VFC. The message was good, a life story, a journey. It definitely helped me to reflect on my own jouney, and realize (again) that I am not alone. I am not the only one who struggles with this journey, this life. Yes I am in a struggle with God, yes I am in a struggle with my own faith and where I stand, yes I am in a struggle seeking the next step, the missing piece to the puzzle, the step towards where ever it is that I am headed.

My job right now makes me a little crazy. I am stressed. I leave defeated some days (though thankfully not all days). There are challenges and new situations to be faced every single day. It is exhausting. I care about what I am doing and the people that I am affecting and I think that makes it even more stressful. I want the best. I am learning about myself. I am changing. I'm not sure if its a good change or a negative one, and its possible that it is a little of both. It is very difficult to try to meet everyone's needs when there are so very many. This job has 'pushed' me closer to God, because I CAN NOT do this on my own. There is no way. Without God as the one who takes my cares and my troubles, who hears my pleas... I would be lost.

I don't know what is next. The feeling is not comfortable. All I know is that there is MORE. I don't know how to get it, or where I will find it, I don't know the path that I will take to get there. In the testimony shared tonite it was 2 years of prayer and the same answer before anything came to fruition, until things came together. I suppose there is something to be said for persistence. I'm not sure I'm in a place where I can pray that prayer where my life is surrendered, all of me surrendered. I'm not sure it would be honest. Its a scary prayer. Even with the assurance that God will not give me more than I can handle... I may be stretched, but I won't snap.

I need to hold on to that for the next 2 months... to get me through... fur survival purposes. To not just exist but to do what I need to do with conviction and strength.

Stretched. And near (in my opinion anyway) my limit.